Surely, you kid? I mean the divorce happened because of dysfunction to begin with - so the kids were in a toxic environment before the divorce. Maybe the divorce made it better for them, but the sense of peace and security and love was never there. They are as well-adjusted and happy as any person who has undergone trauma, with or without the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:"This won't be a popular answer, but as a school administrator I can easily guess if a kids parents are divorced before they tell me. It messes them up more than you know.

I agree.

I come from a family of teachers and coaches and they all say similar things.

What do you observe? Curious."

You don't really expect deep, nuanced thinking from people with average intelligence, do you? If they had anything useful to contribute, they would have gone into a different field.

Ugh. IME, school staff are still deeply sexist and largely not knowledgeable about psychological health. We experienced a lot of judgment from school staff who only knew we were divorced and not the circumstances/causes of divorce.

I always hated the stigma surrounding divorce we experienced at the ES level. It gets better in HS.

Anonymous wrote:"This won't be a popular answer, but as a school administrator I can easily guess if a kids parents are divorced before they tell me. It messes them up more than you know.

I agree.

I come from a family of teachers and coaches and they all say similar things.

What do you observe? Curious."

You don't really expect deep, nuanced thinking from people with average intelligence, do you? If they had anything useful to contribute, they would have gone into a different field.

Wtf is wrong with you?

"You don't really expect deep, nuanced thinking from people with average intelligence, do you? If they had anything useful to contribute, they would have gone into a different field."

Well aren't you a lovely person! Did pp's comment hit a little too close to home?

Anonymous wrote:The problem is you cannot always KNOW that they are "well adjusted". They might tell you they are, but really they are not. In some cases they won't even know themselves how damaged they are until they are in their 20s and understand things better with the help of a therapist.

In my case, if you had asked me as a kid, I would have said "yes I was happy" but in retrospect, no I was not happy. My parents divorce inflicted deep, life-long damage on me.

+1...I'm 30 and I think I need to consider therapy because of my parents divorce. It has impacted my ability to have a healthy relationship with both of my parents. I didn't realize this until my twenties.

"This won't be a popular answer, but as a school administrator I can easily guess if a kids parents are divorced before they tell me. It messes them up more than you know.

I agree.

I come from a family of teachers and coaches and they all say similar things.

What do you observe? Curious."

You don't really expect deep, nuanced thinking from people with average intelligence, do you? If they had anything useful to contribute, they would have gone into a different field.

Read this. Outcome is no always terrible. and some positives too.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/405852_6

I am divorced. I fought very hard, for a long time, to try to stay married. I wouldn't do it unless there is abuse or infidelity. If you are good co parents, I would stay together.

To answer your question, both my kids have emotional problems but, I don't know that that is directly related to the divorce. They seem to have inherited anxiety issues from several ancestors.

I will say the younger child (one at the time of the divorce) adjusted better than the older child (5 and a half at the time).

Anonymous wrote:Me. My mom was in an arranged marriage that dictated her entire life/was an abusive alcoholic. She divorced him when I was 5 and I am thankful every day for it. I'm kind of fucked up, bc my mom was a stereotypical Asian tiger mom and forced me into violin lessons and hit me with bamboo sticks and shamed me a lot (and we were poor) but that pales in comparison to the crap I would have gone thru had she not divorced my abusive father.

I just had to give you a hug. (((((((electronic hug)))))))

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This won't be a popular answer, but as a school administrator I can easily guess if a kids parents are divorced before they tell me. It messes them up more than you know.

I agree.

I come from a family of teachers and coaches and they all say similar things.

What do you observe? Curious.

I think most that seem to view it as positive for them came from homes where there were serious problems that necessitated a divorce like abuse or incessant fighting.

OP, it sounds instead like you just are not happy even though nothing is really "broken". In that case it is really selfish to divorce and impose that on your kids. "For better or worse" does not mean "until I don't feel into it anymore". You owe it to your kids to stick it out. )9 to counseling or make deeper friendships or something. Find a way to work on yourself to be satisfied.

My parents had their highs and lows in their relationship, but never divorced. My mom has mental health issues and I suffered because of that and wanted them to divorce and live with my dad. He never did, he is a weak person, my mom's doormat and he never stood up for me or my brother.
I am screwed up and spent years in therapy; despite that, I am in an unhappy marriage and though I have tried therapy (husband would t go) I think divorce is in the cards for me.
My husband is not super involved though not a deadbeat either, so I don't know how my only child will adjust.

My parents are divorced, and I'm a little messed up, but I don't think it's so much because of the divorce. I think it's more from the way my parents parented me (and my sibs), and that would have been present whether they were together or apart.

Anonymous wrote:So the consensus on dcum is stay together even if it makes you miserable and you fight all the time? Ridiculous!!!

I don't think anyone is saying that. I think divorce is sometimes the best option. I just think OP is intentionally setting herself up to only hear the stories she wants to hear (that support the decision she already wants to make). I don't think you can be confident divorce is the best option if you decide to do it based in part on the idea that it won't negative impact the kids.

Me. My mom was in an arranged marriage that dictated her entire life/was an abusive alcoholic. She divorced him when I was 5 and I am thankful every day for it. I'm kind of fucked up, bc my mom was a stereotypical Asian tiger mom and forced me into violin lessons and hit me with bamboo sticks and shamed me a lot (and we were poor) but that pales in comparison to the crap I would have gone thru had she not divorced my abusive father.