Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The holidays are about family. Family is about caring for and supporting the people you love. If my daughter was abused, had a miscarriage, or was gay, I would absolutely want her to tell me during the holidays and not worry about ruining a dumb holiday.

Helping family when they need it the most is a gazillion times more important than having a picture perfect dinner that nobody will remember in five years.

I'm sure your 7 year old nice will also be helpful and supportive after she learns auntie was raped.

You know, I'd rather have auntie blurt it out at the Thanksgiving table than molest her 12 y/o nephew or go into a spiral of drugs and depression.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving and family holidays is not the time to do this.

Whenever the victim feels ready to do this, it's time. Abusers don't get a say, and protecting "happy family time" when one member of the family is suffering deeply is monstrous. It is deeply evil to value the lie of a happy family over protecting and comforting a victim of sexual abuse.

You don't get to ruin thanksgiving dinner because you were abused.

If you can't handle that stay home.

And this is why the cycle continues. Everybody sweep it under the rug so we can play happy family for Thanksgiving.

Nobody has to play. But unpleasant life-changing announcement are not typically made at family gatherings. It's not like abuse happened minutes before, so no, the deep suffering, while valid, is not an acceptable excuse to make everybody else suffer deeply.

So ... when is a valid time to make unpleasant life-changing announcements? How would you recommend an abuse victim tell the truth to other relatives?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving and family holidays is not the time to do this.

Whenever the victim feels ready to do this, it's time. Abusers don't get a say, and protecting "happy family time" when one member of the family is suffering deeply is monstrous. It is deeply evil to value the lie of a happy family over protecting and comforting a victim of sexual abuse.

You don't get to ruin thanksgiving dinner because you were abused.

If you can't handle that stay home.

And this is why the cycle continues. Everybody sweep it under the rug so we can play happy family for Thanksgiving.

^^^This is critical and the point that everyone misses. I was abused for years as a small child and my aggressor ended up abusing his own child. He abused his own daughter after I told everyone that he abused me. The response was mostly that my uncle loved me and that I must be confused. It wasn't until his own wife figured it out and filed for divorce that everything changed. As mentioned earlier, everyone wants to believe they have a happy normal family. It really affects their ability to see things objectively.

When I got older, I voiced my displeasure with everyone and walked away from the family. I'm a better person for it. It's healthier for me and my kids not to be around those people.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly denial is a powerful factor. I was told how "upset" my father was at my "accusations," that my father was so loving he could never have possibly done what I was "accusing" him of, and that memory is strange and unreliable.

Yes, your memory is strange and unreliable. His is apparently just fine. (Sarcasm) Sigh. I'm sorry, OP. I agree with the PP above who had the great explanation. For someone to acknowledge your abuse means they have to act and make a choice. They have to decide to outcast a family member or they have to decide to belittle and gaslight your experiences. So sticking their heads in the sand and pretending you're the liar is easier. It's really messed up and damaging.

OP here. Clearly denial is a powerful factor. I was told how "upset" my father was at my "accusations," that my father was so loving he could never have possibly done what I was "accusing" him of, and that memory is strange and unreliable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The holidays are about family. Family is about caring for and supporting the people you love. If my daughter was abused, had a miscarriage, or was gay, I would absolutely want her to tell me during the holidays and not worry about ruining a dumb holiday.

Helping family when they need it the most is a gazillion times more important than having a picture perfect dinner that nobody will remember in five years.

I'm sure your 7 year old nice will also be helpful and supportive after she learns auntie was raped.

So the only way people can talk about abuse during the holidays is by jumping on the table during the middle of dinner and screaming it out to everyone?

There are ways to talk about things without involving children.

If your children are at the same table as someone who was sexually abused by a family member who could also be at that table, wouldn't you want to know?

I don't have personal experience, but I know a preteen girl who was accused by her mom of being a "predator." Aperently stepdad accused his preeten SD of making innapropraite advances. It was then brought to light that girl is a "pervert" at school too. Child was then accused by mother and abandoned by mother. Like in court, no joke. My FIL is good friends with Grandma of this girl, and Grandma also believes child is at fault. She and her sister(who soon after was also labeled a preteen pervert) now live with their father and occasionally paternal Grandparents. Only my SIL and I raised the question of where would this girl learn such behavior and if she is in fact molested and there is some coping behavior/lashing out that is now manifesting. So, no, I don't think people believe it, in fact from this is seems that they will go to great lengths not to believe it.

The OP did not raise this issue at Thanksgiving and was not asking about doing so!


This post is spot-on in response to the OP:

Anonymous wrote:I have no experience with sexual abuse. But in my experience (not direct), abuse (emotional/physical) is not believed by relatives/family.

It's not even that they think the victim is a liar or untrustworthy. It's that they don't want to deal with it. Even family/relatives who WITNESS the abuse act like it didn't happen because they don't want to deal with it. They want everyone to be able to come together at holidays and weddings and pretend to be happy.

For family or relatives to accept that abuse happened would mean that they'd have to reevaluate their relationships and actually face the dilemma of whether to make the abuser an outcast or accept what he/she did and be okay with it.

No one wants to do that. This is why victims often don't come forward. It's a larger problem then just abuse within families. It makes people uncomfortable. It's easier for people to tell themselves the victim is either a liar or "disturbed" and "imagined it."

Again, this is not from direct experience.

This has been my experience. My therapist explained it in similar terms. They want to believe that it didn't happen, or that I exaggerated, so they don't have to accept the horror of it. it's denial to protect their vision of a happy normal family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The holidays are about family. Family is about caring for and supporting the people you love. If my daughter was abused, had a miscarriage, or was gay, I would absolutely want her to tell me during the holidays and not worry about ruining a dumb holiday.

Helping family when they need it the most is a gazillion times more important than having a picture perfect dinner that nobody will remember in five years.

I'm sure your 7 year old nice will also be helpful and supportive after she learns auntie was raped.

So the only way people can talk about abuse during the holidays is by jumping on the table during the middle of dinner and screaming it out to everyone?

There are ways to talk about things without involving children.

Anonymous wrote:The holidays are about family. Family is about caring for and supporting the people you love. If my daughter was abused, had a miscarriage, or was gay, I would absolutely want her to tell me during the holidays and not worry about ruining a dumb holiday.

Helping family when they need it the most is a gazillion times more important than having a picture perfect dinner that nobody will remember in five years.

I'm sure your 7 year old nice will also be helpful and supportive after she learns auntie was raped.

^^^ than, not then. sorry.