OP- so this tall, built, good-looking guy is spending time texting your wife rainbows, unicorns and inside jokes?

No grown man does this unless he's interested in something more than a lunch buddy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do anything. You can't fix your wife. This has nothing to do with your marriage.

People have affairs because they validate themselves by what others think of them... extrinsic validation.

Just say to her, "your relationship with Mr. X bothers me".

If she says, you can't tell me who I am friends with... it's over, therapy.
If she says, you are silly.... gaslighting... it's over, therapy.
If she says, Oh gosh I am so sorry, what would make you feel more comfortable... you are okay.

I'm the PP in the previous post. I agree with this except therapy. Give the ultimatum it's not appropriate or she's gotta go. Her going out with her friend Every once in a while is fine. Getting texts and calling is too. But if it's constant there's an issue.

Therapy won't fix that.

to clarify... she needs therapy, she needs to know why she uses external forces to validate herself.

If she's boned the guy already fine...she can have all the therapy she wants - on her own medical plan after I drop her ass.

You have a chance to save the marriage still OP by interj citing your self as not going to out up with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do anything. You can't fix your wife. This has nothing to do with your marriage.

People have affairs because they validate themselves by what others think of them... extrinsic validation.

Just say to her, "your relationship with Mr. X bothers me".

If she says, you can't tell me who I am friends with... it's over, therapy.
If she says, you are silly.... gaslighting... it's over, therapy.
If she says, Oh gosh I am so sorry, what would make you feel more comfortable... you are okay.

I'm the PP in the previous post. I agree with this except therapy. Give the ultimatum it's not appropriate or she's gotta go. Her going out with her friend Every once in a while is fine. Getting texts and calling is too. But if it's constant there's an issue.

Therapy won't fix that.

to clarify... she needs therapy, she needs to know why she uses external forces to validate herself.

Anonymous wrote:You can't do anything. You can't fix your wife. This has nothing to do with your marriage.

People have affairs because they validate themselves by what others think of them... extrinsic validation.

Just say to her, "your relationship with Mr. X bothers me".

If she says, you can't tell me who I am friends with... it's over, therapy.
If she says, you are silly.... gaslighting... it's over, therapy.
If she says, Oh gosh I am so sorry, what would make you feel more comfortable... you are okay.

I'm the PP in the previous post. I agree with this except therapy. Give the ultimatum it's not appropriate or she's gotta go. Her going out with her friend Every once in a while is fine. Getting texts and calling is too. But if it's constant there's an issue.

Therapy won't fix that.

You can't do anything. You can't fix your wife. This has nothing to do with your marriage.

People have affairs because they validate themselves by what others think of them... extrinsic validation.

Just say to her, "your relationship with Mr. X bothers me".

If she says, you can't tell me who I am friends with... it's over, therapy.
If she says, you are silly.... gaslighting... it's over, therapy.
If she says, Oh gosh I am so sorry, what would make you feel more comfortable... you are okay.

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I was headed in this direction though not as far down the road and what helped what more attention and proactive energy from DH. I would say it's probably already an EA and danger of physical affair is high if he's attractive. Has DW improved her appearance or grooming? I definitely did that.

Here you have it OP, women suffer from shiny object syndrome. As soon as they're bir d with you their ready to cheat, bite the rationalization they will put forward
"Made me feel like a woman again"
"Noticed stuff DH didn't"


The hamster wheel is already spinning the moment the EA is occurring. She's attempting to rationalize her behavior and bad decisions and not take responsibility for her actions. It was DHs fault..he needed to lay me more attention..blah blah. Because working in what's lacking in the marriage is too hard.

Like I posted earlier OP, if she's going to cheat to can't stop it. She'll make up a bullshit reason and you'll be left wondering what went wrong. Tell her now that the relationship is not appropriate and you don't like her talking about him and messaging him all the time when you're with her. But the hammer down now or realize it's only a matter of weeks if not days before they're both naked and she's being pleasures by him in ways that should be reserved for you. Don't be the guy who is posting back here hurt and broken because she cheated. If she did or does - the only option is to leave in my opinion. There is no way you stay with someone that shows you the ultimate disrespect and betrayal

Hey, OP, wondering how it is going. I realize it has only been like 3 days, but just curious about your efforts.

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I was headed in this direction though not as far down the road and what helped what more attention and proactive energy from DH. I would say it's probably already an EA and danger of physical affair is high if he's attractive. Has DW improved her appearance or grooming? I definitely did that.

PP here. The constant talking about the guy is a huge giveaway that your wife at least has a serious crush. I could not stop talking about the other guy. Yet my best friend at work, who sits on the same hallway, had no idea of the entanglement. But it passed so all hope is not lost.

DW here. I was headed in this direction though not as far down the road and what helped what more attention and proactive energy from DH. I would say it's probably already an EA and danger of physical affair is high if he's attractive. Has DW improved her appearance or grooming? I definitely did that.

DW here. I also talk about a married co-worker at times with DH. And we text after work-hours. DH knows we went to lunch. DH sees maybe 1 text a week, but really it's daily. DH jokes about my co-worker. Sex with DH is 2-3 times a week and is great in terms of physical sensations but not emotional.

My co-worker has been my AP for months. DH is clueless.

Why do I need an AP? Because he makes me feel like a woman again. He gives me an ego boost. He notices little details about me that DH never noticed. I will never leave DH.

OP, take serious note of the above contribution to this discussion.

To the DW in quotes: So is DH clueless because he is dumb or is it because your scam is working? Do you think your marriage is "safer" the way you are carrying on?

He will find out one day because life sucks and you will eventually trip over yourself and spill the beans accidentally. Do you envisage the butthurt/heartache you will cause when he realizes that he was conned for years by your gimmick of hiding your AP in the open? How will you explain to him that you didn't tell anyone else in your social circle? That nobody at work knew or noticed? Or did you? Some of your girl friends must know, they probably told some of their partners too.

What gives your ego more of a boost? The affair or the getting away with it in broad daylight? I would guess the second.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?

OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.

We have a good marriage if not always exciting.

She gone

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?

OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.

We have a good marriage if not always exciting.

Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.

Yes, tell her you are a little uncomfortable. But under no circumstances should you accuse her of anything.

--Start working on your emotional connection with her.
--DON'T start in the bedroom. Don't ignore it, but don't start there.
--Start on more weekly/bi-weekly dates (YOU organize the sitter! YOU do the legwork!).
--Make sure you talk with her about something other than children and work every day.
--Look her in the eyes with love and lust
--Plan a weekend getaway (again, YOU do the work! It doesn't have to be a surprise, but don't put the work on her. Get her input, you call the venue).
--Have you read the 5-love languages? Read it with her, or take the quiz online and send her the results and ask her to take the quiz, too. Do what it is she needs (NEEDS) to feel loved and special.
--Send her a flirty text. Give her a gift.

Yes all of this.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else notice how the answers are always different is it's a DH vs a DW? Just look at the thread where a DH got drunk on a business trip, went to another woman's room where she got naked, and now he's continuing to talk to her and that's totally cool, DW is overreacting, DH had good intentions, men are just clueless, and their poor egos need the boost. When it's a DW texting a guy, she's insane and delusional and a cheater.

Maybe this DW has good intentions. Maybe she also likes the ego boost. Maybe she's also clueless about the guy's intentions and thinks they are just friends.

We can't help it. We are ALL sexist.

Anonymous wrote:Ramp up the emotional connection. Share little things from your day that made you laugh. Ask how her day was and listen, without judging or fixing. Suggesting doing something together that you both enjoy. Marriages get routine, and the fact that this is a potential EA tells you she wants/needs more emotional connection in her life.

THIS..

Ramp up the emotional connection. Share little things from your day that made you laugh. Ask how her day was and listen, without judging or fixing. Suggesting doing something together that you both enjoy. Marriages get routine, and the fact that this is a potential EA tells you she wants/needs more emotional connection in her life.