39 is 4 years past advanced maternal age

I would because like other posters mentioned I always wanted to be a mother even if I wasn't lucky in love. I could also see if I had been burned by my first marriage by someone that seem to change overnight, I might actually want to have a baby and hold off getting married to see how things went with the stress of a young child. I would caveat that I would rethink having a baby with the guy if I thought there were any red flags for addiction, abuse, mental illness, crazy in-laws because it would be better to leave the relationship and have no ties to him.

In regards to the engagement ring and fancy vacation, I don't see the point. If neither is planning on a big second wedding, money is tight, and they are planning to have that very expensive bundle of joy known as a child right away, why spend several thousands on an engagement ring and then even more to go to Bora Bora? I could see a some sort of vacation pre-kids. But I would be looking for that bargain travel that you CAN do before kids - slightly off season deals. DH and I went to Ireland in October when we had been dating maybe a year and a half. We still have inside jokes from some of our travel misadventures. I would also say after the trip I knew for sure I wanted to marry him. I would say though if they do anything that is traditionally associated with a wedding without being engaged, it should be premarital counseling. Making sure they are on the same page for the big things and know how to communicate with each other - worth more than that trip to Bora Bora.

Anonymous wrote:My friend is turning 39 in 3 months. She is divorced with no kids and is dating a man who is also divorced with no kids. They are very much in love and want the same things. They met online earlier this year and have been together for about 9 months. He wants to have a baby with her. I think he is hesitant to go through an expensive wedding again. The divorce wiped out his savings. My friend wants at least an engagement ring and some semblance of a honeymoon (Bora Bora, Maldives, Hawaii, Fiji type place) even if they aren't married yet before being pregnant. My friend said she doesn't want or need a wedding since her first marriage was only 3 years ago.

If you were 39, would you go for a baby even if you weren't married?

I got married at 38. Speeded up the wedding because my doc said, you are old! Come back in 6 months if you aren't pregnant. So we went to the courthouse. This costs about $25 or so for a license. Marriage doesn't have to cost much. Got pregnant in 2 weeks and the baby at 39.

Unless she plans on being a truly single mother, she shouldn't just get pregnant now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you're saying he's willing to get married but doesn't want to spend 5-6 figures on something that's over in 1-3 days. I completely understand. If that's the case, just tell her to let the fancy vacation go. She just got married and divorced 3 years ago according to you.

My friend wants a nice ring plus fancy vacation. She does not want/need/expect a wedding. She would be fine going to the courthouse.

Guy had not mentioned marriage but wants a baby. Friend and I both think that he would of course marry her if she got pregnant.

I'm not sure why you both think that especially given that that's not what he has said.

I'd absolutely do it. Kids were always part of my plan, even if I wasn't lucky in love.

It sounds like your friend and this man need to have an actual conversation. He talks about a baby and seems like he would marry her if she got pregnant? What? They sound like they are in highschool. I by no means think you have to be married to have kids, but I think it should be a conscious decision. I know several couples, including my next door neighbors, who are in happy, committed relationships with several kids and are not married. But your friend wants an expensive vacation and a ring? If she really wants kids and is willing to risk it with this guy she barely knows, then fine. I might have done the same thing if I hadn't met my husband. But she needs to talk to him about it.

Having kids together is a life time commitment, and if only one of them is ready for that, then they need to wait.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sperm donor. No added custody worries. If he cannot afford a vacation or a ring, he likely cannot afford a child (they're expensive - even if the costs are spread out over the year and not upfront like a vacation or ring). Don't do it!

My guess is he earns a decent living but not a huge income. He works in my industry. Job title puts him in 120-150k.

His first wife and he went to the Maldives for their honeymoon. My friend's first husband did not make a lot although his family had money.

Why do you keep mentioning money? Sounds like either you or your friend is a gold digger. Choosing a husband/father has nothing to do with money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sperm donor. No added custody worries. If he cannot afford a vacation or a ring, he likely cannot afford a child (they're expensive - even if the costs are spread out over the year and not upfront like a vacation or ring). Don't do it!

My guess is he earns a decent living but not a huge income. He works in my industry. Job title puts him in 120-150k.

His first wife and he went to the Maldives for their honeymoon. My friend's first husband did not make a lot although his family had money.

This is all irrelevant to the issue. People with lower incomes have children all the time. Where he and his first wife went on their honeymoon is REALLY irrelevant.

Anonymous wrote:Sperm donor. No added custody worries. If he cannot afford a vacation or a ring, he likely cannot afford a child (they're expensive - even if the costs are spread out over the year and not upfront like a vacation or ring). Don't do it!

My guess is he earns a decent living but not a huge income. He works in my industry. Job title puts him in 120-150k.

His first wife and he went to the Maldives for their honeymoon. My friend's first husband did not make a lot although his family had money.

Sperm donor. No added custody worries. If he cannot afford a vacation or a ring, he likely cannot afford a child (they're expensive - even if the costs are spread out over the year and not upfront like a vacation or ring). Don't do it!

Troll?

Not a chance in hell.

Anonymous wrote:I would have a baby by myself if I was 39 and single. I can afford a baby and my family is very involved.

But 39 and dating a guy who doesn't want to get married sounds rocky. Weddings don't have to be expensive, go to a JOP. I would rather have a sperm donor than a boyfriend who might not be there in the future and would want custody.

I actually am 39! (But I'm married and have kids). I could have written this. Sperm donor!

She's divorced, 39, wants kids, and yet lists an engagement ring and $10,000 vacation as must-haves?

Yeah, something is not right here.

Why not go ring shopping TOGETHER, select rings TOGETHER, pay for them TOGETHER?

Anonymous wrote:no. I'm a divorced mom with a part time involved ex husband. It's so hard. It gets harder as they get older.

There's a part off me that hopes my kids never have kids. I hope they spend their lives enjoying their lives to the fullest.

+1

And I would rather have a baby myself than deal with custody issues.