Anonymous wrote:

No, a high libido person does "let it go". There's a reason why celibacy is actually used by many religious orders- it often IMPROVES quality of life, thinking skills, etc. All humans have the capacity to access this, or just to get themselves off. Your desire to have sex does not take priority over someone else's libido. No one "deserves" to be banging every other night. And if you cling to the idea that you are- man, you are in for some real disappointment.

It's called growing up and being mature. Try it sometime.

Signed,

Another higher libido spouse

Three things in this response that are common enough in these threads to have become annoying:

1. Straw man assertion about the frequency of sex. In this case, out of nowhere so far as I can tell, the demand for sex is "every other night." This is often phrased as "every night" or "on demand." Some very high frequency is usually cited in order to be more easily dismissive about the higher libido spouse's desire to have sex in the marriage with some reasonable frequency (usually not every night, every other night, or on demand.) It ignores that very often the complaints in these threads are concerning a marriage where sex is potentially happening once every two weeks, once a month, or even less.

2. The notion that wanting to have sex in a relationship is somehow immature -- that somehow the desire for sex is silly and juvenile.

3. The notion that sex is just about having an orgasm and not recognizing that sex with your spouse is different in some important ways from masturbation. A sexual relationship with your spouse is emotionally different than your nonsexual relationships.

To answer the OP, sex in a long term relationship is a fair expectation unless explicitly stated otherwise. If you are in an LTR and your partner has cut off intimacy and is not doing anything to address it, you are indeed being treated unfairly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

So we have a genuine celibate martyr in our midst. Because guess what: you DO deserve a robust sex life, as do all of us. Forgive my skepticism, but come back and update us in a year or 2, let us see how you are feeling about all those "positives in your marriage."

Maybe you are actually low libido? Because a normal or high libido person would not just "let it go" and focus on other things. A normal/high libido person would either decide the marriage is now open, or would divorce and find a compatible partner.

Time will tell.

PP you are quoting. I an no celibate martyr. I had an affair. I've had therapy. I almost left my DH. At some point, I had to make a choice; break up my family for a robust sex life, or keep my family intact. I have lived like this for years now. It is not easy, but the best path that I felt I could have chosen, with all of the facts laid out on the table. I have been through the ringer, I have come out on the other side. Do we all deserve the best in life? SURE? Do we all get it? NOPE. That was my point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

So we have a genuine celibate martyr in our midst. Because guess what: you DO deserve a robust sex life, as do all of us. Forgive my skepticism, but come back and update us in a year or 2, let us see how you are feeling about all those "positives in your marriage."

Maybe you are actually low libido? Because a normal or high libido person would not just "let it go" and focus on other things. A normal/high libido person would either decide the marriage is now open, or would divorce and find a compatible partner.

Time will tell.

No, a high libido person does "let it go". There's a reason why celibacy is actually used by many religious orders- it often IMPROVES quality of life, thinking skills, etc. All humans have the capacity to access this, or just to get themselves off. Your desire to have sex does not take priority over someone else's libido. No one "deserves" to be banging every other night. And if you cling to the idea that you are- man, you are in for some real disappointment.

It's called growing up and being mature. Try it sometime.

Signed,

Another higher libido spouse

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

So we have a genuine celibate martyr in our midst. Because guess what: you DO deserve a robust sex life, as do all of us. Forgive my skepticism, but come back and update us in a year or 2, let us see how you are feeling about all those "positives in your marriage."

Maybe you are actually low libido? Because a normal or high libido person would not just "let it go" and focus on other things. A normal/high libido person would either decide the marriage is now open, or would divorce and find a compatible partner.

Time will tell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say no, not when it becomes a kind of demand. Crucial to understanding consent is understanding that people's sexual urges may be different from yours- and if they don't want to have sex, you cannot try to coerce them into it.

I would say if you are in a relationship for the sole purpose of sex, or with that being a large part of it, then perhaps you need to rethink things.

Ok so if you are in a long-term relationship and your partner decides they don't want to have sex do you just accept that or do you try to solve the underlying cause.

Would you consider asking them to go to therapy coercion?

Is saying, "This isn't working for me; I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if sexual intimacy is not a part of it" considered coercion?

If you mean it, no. I would sooooooooo much much much rather see more posts on DCUM about people leaving someone because their sexual needs are that intense rather than trying to pressure (usually women) into having unwilling sex with them. It's so fucking regressive and sick. At least the other (lower libido) spouse has a chance of moving on to a healthy and understanding partner instead of being constantly pressured and having this messed up, traumatic sex life where they are essentially forced into sleeping with someone

My husband much prefers me to not pressure him to have sex. If he's not in the mood, I drop it and take care of myself. Much better this way. Took me years to accept though.

And this is what a reasonable and emotionally healthy person does. DCUM sex whiners, learn from this person ^^^^^

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I see, you think you are cute.

The point is you can have any expectation that you want about how somebody feels about you, but you may very likely be disappointed. I am a higher libido spouse, I thought I "deserved" a robust sex life, I realized that I cannot make my spouse want me/want sex (believe me I tried). After a lot f therapy and decision making about whether I "deserve" the sex I expect vs the reality vs keeping my family in tact, I realized that I had to let go of the expectation of sex and focus on the positives in my marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great sex and a great relationship go hand in hand.

I wish a great relationship necessarily triggered great sex. My wife and I get along very well, but the sex is almost non-existent (once every five or six weeks).

My wife became about that interested as well. Never really figured out a solution .

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Same with monogamy. One might want that in his/her marriage, but you may not get it.
See what I mean?

I would assume that sex is a part of marriage just like loyalty + love is.

of course sex is a big part of any relationship! you both need to be on the same page or this will lead to problem.
good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Great sex and a great relationship go hand in hand. If your relationship is lousy, sex just becomes a physical act. That's OK but over time interest will wane. I've been married a very long time and we have a great relationship and a great sex life.....last night included!

+1

In a perfect world, sure. In the real world, you cannot control what another person feels or wants. High libido people turn into low libido, vice versa. Or one person (or both) becomes less attracted to their partner. It is impossible to know how you yourself will feel many, many years into a marriage, let alone your spouse. So while you may want regular sex throughout a 40 year marriage/LTR, you may not get it.

Nothing in life is certain, definitely not in the beginning of a relationship. Once you accept another person into your life, you have to let go of that illusion of control.

Anonymous wrote:Great sex and a great relationship go hand in hand.

I wish a great relationship necessarily triggered great sex. My wife and I get along very well, but the sex is almost non-existent (once every five or six weeks).

The problem is you are asking the other person not to have sex with anyone else for the rest if their life. It is amoral to do this knowingly.