Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:49     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
People do in fact make agreements about their lives together before they marry and have children.
And then they either stick to those plans or agree to change them.
He's not the ' parent' making decisions and she's not a powerless child expected to accept those decisions and 'grow up'. They should be having the life they agreed to.

OP didn't indicate any of this was done against DIL's will. Now that it's done, there is no point in whining. Maybe she made a mistake when she agreed to this change, but at this point she should grow up and stick it out. Giving up now doesn't make any sense.


It was done against her will. It was a decision made between son and parents, not husband and wife.

This marriage may not survive, cultural norms against divorce or not.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:47     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:Wait - he has to pay 100 percent of the tuition up front? And wait years for reimbursement? This sounds like a huge waste of time and money. I'd quit now if I were him.


and not even a guarantee of any sort of raise from employer -- NOT EVEN REIMBURSEMENT.

I'd at least get the reimbursement thing in writing.

Otherwise he's vacating himself from his family for ... nothing.

PT Barnum had a word for guys like that.

(Or could be OP's son just wants to avoid his family. Gotta take that into account. Also DIL may well be exercising her version of having power and that is having babies.)
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:42     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Wait - he has to pay 100 percent of the tuition up front? And wait years for reimbursement? This sounds like a huge waste of time and money. I'd quit now if I were him.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:34     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:1. She is correct
2. She didn't unilaterally decide to have the second child, your son had something to do with that too.
3. Acknowledge her feelings and the tough position she's in, apologize for exerting so much influence over him and just let her vent. Don't try to convince her that you were right.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:34     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why y'all are blaming MIL for the situation. Yes, this is what she wanted. But she had no way of making her son do what she wanted. She didn't have a way of making DIL agreeing to it. The reason given for not having more kids a year and a half later is beyond ridiculous and only portrays the DIL as a stupid bitch. Oh well, the son knew who he was making babies with, so if he ends up divorced with child support to pay, it's his own damn fault.

OP, just leave them be. If their marriage is worth saving, they'll be fine. If not, well, most couples divorce, yet the life goes on. Sucks for the kids, but again, presumably your son knew who he was marrying.


Tou are so wrong but especially on the bolded part.

Deciding to have children that are not spaced 7-8 years apart while waiting for husband to finish this degree is a very sound decision and shows she understands the importance of family and sibling relationships. It also shows she understands fertility.

Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:33     Subject: Re:Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:op here! to clarify he will very reinburst by his employer as long as he passes the bar so the financial strain is only temporary. I love the frozen meal idea, DIL is very complementary of my cooking so I think this is a good avenue. I also like the grocery giftcard idea, I can just leave that on the kitchen counter and not say anything. It's my culture (and DIL) to play a very involved role and divorce would never be an option for anyone. This is why I want to make things comfortable and release some tension.


but you said in your first post that there was nothing in writing from the employer so how is it that you know that he will be reimbursed? I am surprised that anyone today thought that law school was going to be a good investment right now. I can understand wanting him to continue his education but I would think an MBA would have been a wiser choice right now.

Anyway, the best thing you can do is help them out with no strings attached and no undercurrent of "suck it up buttercup"
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:30     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A 29 yo married man with kids is letting his parents make career decisions for him. Wow.


Yeah, awful. Men font mature until later though - when he wishes up you'll find that he stops taking your calls.


I have a 26 year old married son. He and my DIL have a baby.

1. He would never allow me to push into the relationship between he and his wife.
2. He would never allow us to push him into a career that wasn't interested in.
3. Most importantly, we have never and would never try to do either.

We are always available to listen and talk through decisions with our adult chikdren if they ask for our help. We will even offer our opinions, again if they ask for our help. We would never tell our adult kids what we think they should do. We do not offer unsolicited advice. We do not get involved in any issue between spouses.

The "men don't mature till later argument" is ridiculous. The only men who aren't mature by their late 20s are boys whose mommies have never let go. If he isn't mature enough to make his own decisions and protect his family from meddling in-laws, then he isn't mature enough to be married.

OP - The only way to salvage this relationship is to back off. Your DIL has every right to feel resentful. If you continue to insert yourself into their lives, they will eventually cut you out completely. I don't think an apology will make any difference. I think your actions will determine whether or not this is fixable.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:21     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
People do in fact make agreements about their lives together before they marry and have children.
And then they either stick to those plans or agree to change them.
He's not the ' parent' making decisions and she's not a powerless child expected to accept those decisions and 'grow up'. They should be having the life they agreed to.

OP didn't indicate any of this was done against DIL's will. Now that it's done, there is no point in whining. Maybe she made a mistake when she agreed to this change, but at this point she should grow up and stick it out. Giving up now doesn't make any sense.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:17     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1. She is correct
2. She didn't unilaterally decide to have the second child, your son had something to do with that too.
3. Acknowledge her feelings and the tough position she's in, apologize for exerting so much influence over him and just let her vent. Don't try to convince her that you were right.


You guys are terrible. She wanted a husband at home playing with his kids and having a relationship with her - she's a smart woman.
You only value money and whatever comes with that - awful. It's a choice someone can have but she didn't choose a man who is line that - you goaded him into it.

You should be offering her a personable live in babysitter/house helper that she likes is what you should be offering her.
I'd say that you should babysit more but she probably can't stand the sight of you so that's out.

Not smart enough to know we can't always get what we want

She needs to grow the f up and stop whining.


People do in fact make agreements about their lives together before they marry and have children.
And then they either stick to those plans or agree to change them.
He's not the ' parent' making decisions and she's not a powerless child expected to accept those decisions and 'grow up'. They should be having the life they agreed to.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:14     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Keep in mind. DIL told you these things. It's probably how your own son feels too.

Couples you know. They talk. They share stuff. He may not have the courage to tell you but she let it out. It's not just her feeling. It's his too.

I know bc I'm the dil that gets blamed for feeling stuff when little do my ILs know that their son agrees 100%.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:10     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1. She is correct
2. She didn't unilaterally decide to have the second child, your son had something to do with that too.
3. Acknowledge her feelings and the tough position she's in, apologize for exerting so much influence over him and just let her vent. Don't try to convince her that you were right.


You guys are terrible. She wanted a husband at home playing with his kids and having a relationship with her - she's a smart woman.
You only value money and whatever comes with that - awful. It's a choice someone can have but she didn't choose a man who is line that - you goaded him into it.

You should be offering her a personable live in babysitter/house helper that she likes is what you should be offering her.
I'd say that you should babysit more but she probably can't stand the sight of you so that's out.

Not smart enough to know we can't always get what we want

She needs to grow the f up and stop whining.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:06     Subject: Re:Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
op here! to clarify he will very reinburst by his employer as long as he passes the bar so the financial strain is only temporary. I love the frozen meal idea, DIL is very complementary of my cooking so I think this is a good avenue. I also like the grocery giftcard idea, I can just leave that on the kitchen counter and not say anything. It's my culture (and DIL) to play a very involved role and divorce would never be an option for anyone. This is why I want to make things comfortable and release some tension.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:03     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A 29 yo married man with kids is letting his parents make career decisions for him. Wow.


Yeah, awful. Men don't mature until later though - when he wishes up you'll find that he stops taking your calls.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:02     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:A 29 yo married man with kids is letting his parents make career decisions for him. Wow.


Yeah, awful. Men font mature until later though - when he wishes up you'll find that he stops taking your calls.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:01     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:1. She is correct
2. She didn't unilaterally decide to have the second child, your son had something to do with that too.
3. Acknowledge her feelings and the tough position she's in, apologize for exerting so much influence over him and just let her vent. Don't try to convince her that you were right.


You guys are terrible. She wanted a husband at home playing with his kids and having a relationship with her - she's a smart woman.
You only value money and whatever comes with that - awful. It's a choice someone can have but she didn't choose a man who is line that - you goaded him into it.

You should be offering her a personable live in babysitter/house helper that she likes is what you should be offering her.
I'd say that you should babysit more but she probably can't stand the sight of you so that's out.