Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to help while OP recovers. MIL is not being helpful so it is understandable why the OP is annoyed. It's not like OP asking MIL to do anything unusual- making meals, taking out the trash, etc are all fairly standard. If MIL didn't want to help or couldn't, then she shouldn't have agreed to help. The kids go to daycare. So what does MIL do all day besides talk to OP?

With that being said, I wouldn't say anything and just try to wait out the two weeks. Take this visit as a lesson for the future.

Anonymous wrote:We brought my MIL in town to help us out with two small kids (a 3 year old and a new walker) after a major surgery I needed to have that has me on crutches for 6-8 weeks and unable to drive. She is helping us for 2 weeks. My mother was here for 2 weeks and was extraordinarily helpful and very responsive.

Aside from getting the kids to and from day care (a very short trip), my MIL really hasn't been very helpful. DH says that's just the way she is and we should be grateful for her help driving, but I feel like I'm going crazy watching her all day (I'm able to work remotely) do nothing when there are a million things we have suggested she can help with.

I've asked her if she can start prepping up dinner ahead of picking up the kids (we have made a menu and have groceries) and every single day, she says she prefers to cook after the kids get home from day care, which is really hard because I'm unable to be very helpful with the littler one, who needs more attention, due to my crutches. She also most nights just suggested we get take out (and it has often ended up on our dollar which we could have easily done without her here and with one less person to feed).Since she's so averse to cooking, I know she would never help to prep up some freezer meals for us to have after she leaves. And at dinner time, every single night, I have to say, oh, hey, would you mind bringing some plates over to the table and grab some milk for the kids? Clearly I can't carry things. She just stands there and talks.

Last night, she was home for an hour and a half after the younger one went to bed (DH and I had to run an errand with our older child) and when we got back, the garbage can was full in the middle of the kitchen, like she pulled it out so we knew it needed to be changed, but she didn't change it. So I hobbled over to do it on my crutches and then I tried to finish the dishes and put the soap in to start the washer and she heard me banging around and came over and said "what are you doing over here? you shouldn't be doing that."

I'm working remotely on a limited schedule due to doc appts. and PT and trying to log as many hours as I can so I can bring in some money and every single day she sits there and yaps and yaps. I have tried to tell her I could be more attentive to a conversation if we can take a lunch break together or whatever but she just disregards what I say. She's the kind of person who can talk nonstop about herself. Then I don't log the work hours I have said I'm going to do. We have a small house so aside from sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, which is what I'm doing now, I can't escape because if I sit at the table, she thinks I'm on break.

I feel like I am asking pointedly about what I need help with and DH won't step in. Do I just bite my lip until she leaves or should he say something?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

Good question- my MIL is 15 yrs younger and much more active and well than my own mom. Certainly could be her being out of her element but from the perspective of a parent myself, part of this is about wanting to contribute. If my child needed this type of support and I didn't work (she does not and has not for 30 years) and I had full ability to help, I would certainly ask how I could be helpful and certainly try to offer the help that was asked.

And its wonderful that you were able to help your daughter for an extended period and that you did so graciously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

Good question- my MIL is 15 yrs younger and much more active and well than my own mom. Certainly could be her being out of her element but from the perspective of a parent myself, part of this is about wanting to contribute. If my child needed this type of support and I didn't work (she does not and has not for 30 years) and I had full ability to help, I would certainly ask how I could be helpful and certainly try to offer the help that was asked.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

Jesus your reading comprehension is SUCK.

Good for you handling your business. A lot of people have dealt with shitty situations on their own. YOU'RE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT. Op never said she expected her MIL to be her slave, and is pissed that she won't agree to be her slave. Op is annoyed because MIL AGREED TO HELP WITH CHORES/DINNERS/KIDS around the house. Now she is LIVING in their home for the next 2 weeks and is a drain on their finances as well as distracting for OP during her work hours. MIL LIED about what she is willing to do to help OP. THAT is the problem. If op came on here saying "I asked my MIL to move in for two weeks to run my household and clean everything and she said no, what a bitch!" we who are showing OP support would be singing a different tune. MIL is an adult and has every right to decline staying with someone for 2 weeks to help with house duties, chores, cooking, etc. What she shouldn't do, and is frankly a totally disgusting move, is PROMISE to help out, and then BARELY help out, waste OP's time, distract her and spend their money on takeout food. NOT helpful and I would remove that person from my home immediately if I found myself in that situation.

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.