Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have a coworker that wears revealing dresses every day (she's a knockout, although implants help her profile). She says she dresses for herself, but I don't believe anyone does. It's how your clothes make you feel in the eyes of everyone else. When I called her on it, she admitted she uses her appearance as "leverage". On one occasion, with lots of cleavage exposed, she said she was going appliance shopping after work and hoped to get a better deal out of the cavemen working at the big box store.

The "dresses for herself" is such bullshit -- assuming she doesn't dress like that when she's alone and not expecting to see anyone.

Exactly!!

Anonymous wrote:The sexual politics around this question are disturbing. The underlying premise is that there is something wrong with women being overtly sexual.

The response might be that you can be sexual without dressing to advertise that fact. Which is true. But if there wasn't anything wrong with female sexuality, this discussion wouldn't happen. (Or is it because she's getting older? Same basic thing, except now the premise is that there is something negative about older women being sexual.)

It's not that there's something wrong with it, but how we dress sends a message. Otherwise, why does a corporate attorney, whether male or female, typically dress in a suit? Why does Miley Cyrus spread her legs and stick her tongue out while showing lots of skin? It's all a message.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sexual politics around this question are disturbing. The underlying premise is that there is something wrong with women being overtly sexual.

The response might be that you can be sexual without dressing to advertise that fact. Which is true. But if there wasn't anything wrong with female sexuality, this discussion wouldn't happen. (Or is it because she's getting older? Same basic thing, except now the premise is that there is something negative about older women being sexual.)

It's not sexual politics to realize that we have a choice as to how we want to dress and the message we choose to give others. Do you really think that Rihanna, Britney, Beyonce, and Mariah aren't aware of the outfits they wear as opposed to Michelle O., Laura B., Nancy P., and HRC?

Please state explicitly what message each is making. If you can do that with judgment free language (e.g. no "lady" or "slut" type language with implicit value judgments), we can better evaluate whether there are sexual politics involved with how we evaluate the clothing choices.

There's an old expression that a picture's worth a thousand words. Google any picture of any of the above women, and you should be able to figure it out.

Phone number?

Anonymous wrote:
I have a coworker that wears revealing dresses every day (she's a knockout, although implants help her profile). She says she dresses for herself, but I don't believe anyone does. It's how your clothes make you feel in the eyes of everyone else. When I called her on it, she admitted she uses her appearance as "leverage". On one occasion, with lots of cleavage exposed, she said she was going appliance shopping after work and hoped to get a better deal out of the cavemen working at the big box store.

The "dresses for herself" is such bullshit -- assuming she doesn't dress like that when she's alone and not expecting to see anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sexual politics around this question are disturbing. The underlying premise is that there is something wrong with women being overtly sexual.

The response might be that you can be sexual without dressing to advertise that fact. Which is true. But if there wasn't anything wrong with female sexuality, this discussion wouldn't happen. (Or is it because she's getting older? Same basic thing, except now the premise is that there is something negative about older women being sexual.)

It's not sexual politics to realize that we have a choice as to how we want to dress and the message we choose to give others. Do you really think that Rihanna, Britney, Beyonce, and Mariah aren't aware of the outfits they wear as opposed to Michelle O., Laura B., Nancy P., and HRC?

Please state explicitly what message each is making. If you can do that with judgment free language (e.g. no "lady" or "slut" type language with implicit value judgments), we can better evaluate whether there are sexual politics involved with how we evaluate the clothing choices.

I have a coworker that wears revealing dresses every day (she's a knockout, although implants help her profile). She says she dresses for herself, but I don't believe anyone does. It's how your clothes make you feel in the eyes of everyone else. When I called her on it, she admitted she uses her appearance as "leverage". On one occasion, with lots of cleavage exposed, she said she was going appliance shopping after work and hoped to get a better deal out of the cavemen working at the big box store.

It's really not your place to tell your friend what to wear. It it makes you so uncomfortable, limit public outings. But you should assess what's more important, her value to you as a friend or your embarrassment over her sartorial choices. I suppose you could go shopping with her and suggest more conservative clothes, but it doesn't sound like that would work if she favors more revealing styles.

As for the word slut, I think it is pretty much always used as an insult, so I think it's not great that you would use that word in connection with your friend. I had a former colleague who I really liked who wore very revealing clothes and I pondered whether to tell her it made others take her less seriously (I heard the gossip), but I didn't think of her as dressing "slutty" but instead just wearing revealing clothing. Something about using that term to refer to your friend is very off-putting.

Anonymous wrote:The sexual politics around this question are disturbing. The underlying premise is that there is something wrong with women being overtly sexual.

The response might be that you can be sexual without dressing to advertise that fact. Which is true. But if there wasn't anything wrong with female sexuality, this discussion wouldn't happen. (Or is it because she's getting older? Same basic thing, except now the premise is that there is something negative about older women being sexual.)

It's not sexual politics to realize that we have a choice as to how we want to dress and the message we choose to give others. Do you really think that Rihanna, Britney, Beyonce, and Mariah aren't aware of the outfits they wear as opposed to Michelle O., Laura B., Nancy P., and HRC?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She cannot go anywhere without wearing something skintight - breasts out to there and skirts cut very short. All the time. She tends to bend over and squat alot.

She is nearing 50. She can still put this off but it's just that I would like to go somewhere with her without having her half undressed.

I've never said anything but others do.

I am not jealous - just want her to put something on. Advice?

Drop slut from your misogynistic vocabulary.

If a person doesn't want to come across as a "slut," "prostitute," or however you want to describe that type of look, then dress appropriately for the message you want to give others. The description OP gave of her friend's clothes is not the appearance of someone who wants to be viewed as a "lady."

The sexual politics around this question are disturbing. The underlying premise is that there is something wrong with women being overtly sexual.

The response might be that you can be sexual without dressing to advertise that fact. Which is true. But if there wasn't anything wrong with female sexuality, this discussion wouldn't happen. (Or is it because she's getting older? Same basic thing, except now the premise is that there is something negative about older women being sexual.)

Just keep wearing your burqa and everyone will know that you are a good woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blah blah blah, women can dress how they want. How you dress is an expression of how you want the world to see you and how you see yourself.

That said, if you dress like a porn star all the time or most of the time, you send a message that you view yourself primarily as a sex object and have a pathological need for attention, even if it is negative. Dressing in a revealing fashion doesn't make you confident or feminist. You are, in fact, completely caving to a backward, anti-female idea of what is sexy.

Why can't she just wear what she enjoys without it being a damning diagnosis of a character flaw?

Women can be really hard on each other.

Women are hard on each other, but we're not talking about one woman telling another capri pants are frumpy. Dressing in revealing clothing all the time does say something about a person and it aint good.

It's not just women that are hard on each other. Men make the same judgement about a woman. I think the friend is just caring about how her friend dresses because she knows guys AND girls are seeing her friend as a slut. I like to dress sexy and cute and put up sexy pictures of me in a short skirt on a date site and also put up that i'm waiting for marriage. Guys were absolutely cruel to me and even reported my sexy but not revealing pictures and they were taken down. They said I contradicted myself and shouldn't dress or put up sexy pictures (pictures of me in a miniskirt!). I was even going to put up a skin pic but whatever. I am not even american white (western women have that reputation of being party, drunken, sluts by American media and society) but I was still judged the same!

I wouldn't do or say a thing OP.

You accept her how she is and be her friend. Period.

If you cannot do this, then find new friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blah blah blah, women can dress how they want. How you dress is an expression of how you want the world to see you and how you see yourself.

That said, if you dress like a porn star all the time or most of the time, you send a message that you view yourself primarily as a sex object and have a pathological need for attention, even if it is negative. Dressing in a revealing fashion doesn't make you confident or feminist. You are, in fact, completely caving to a backward, anti-female idea of what is sexy.

Why can't she just wear what she enjoys without it being a damning diagnosis of a character flaw?

Women can be really hard on each other.

Women are hard on each other, but we're not talking about one woman telling another capri pants are frumpy. Dressing in revealing clothing all the time does say something about a person and it aint good.