Was he a virgin too? Are you two open about sex and communicating what you like? Would he be cool bringing in toys like a bullet? Will he give more oral? A lot of women find it works to receive oral then finish with PIV and everyone is happy.

I think your husband's choice of words were not the best, but try to understand....He just may be super-frustrated at not having sex for such a long time.

Men usually require sex a lot more than their Female counterparts.

I think you should seek the professional services of a sex therapist in order to figure out your aversion to being intimate w/your husband.

It may not be something that you can figure out on your own unfortunately.

Best of luck to both you & your husband.

Can you get away together? Drink some wine, bring some lube and try to get it going again? Maybe try having sex everyday for a week? Give him BJ's? Sometimes you need to up the frequency to get your libido on track.

Do people not take seriously their marriage vow "to have and to hold" (and to be had and be held)? That sounds to me like a solemn promise not to withhold sex.

OP, did you have a sex drive before you met and married your DH? Never having a sex drive is different than having one and losing it during marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I am utterly amazed at the people who just say dump him, move on, get with someone new. We have two great kids who are growing up successfully in a loving, nurturing environment. We have so many of the things I dreamed of having as a family. Ditch all that? Over sex? Not me. Maybe it's the religious part of me, but I can't believe how many people treat marriage as this disposable thing.

I understand a lot of you think sex should be better than it is. And I will work with my DH again on this. It is clear that he is not happy with the situation, and we need to work on it. Someone asked if I have ever had an orgasm. Yes, but never from actual intercourse. From oral. I don't know, but I have never come close to coming during actual sex. Like I said, I could take it or leave it. Somehow we need to find a solution, I get that. Just not sure what it is.

So have more oral for you. And more intercourse for him.

Simple.

Op do you have a vibrator?

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I am utterly amazed at the people who just say dump him, move on, get with someone new. We have two great kids who are growing up successfully in a loving, nurturing environment. We have so many of the things I dreamed of having as a family. Ditch all that? Over sex? Not me. Maybe it's the religious part of me, but I can't believe how many people treat marriage as this disposable thing.

I understand a lot of you think sex should be better than it is. And I will work with my DH again on this. It is clear that he is not happy with the situation, and we need to work on it. Someone asked if I have ever had an orgasm. Yes, but never from actual intercourse. From oral. I don't know, but I have never come close to coming during actual sex. Like I said, I could take it or leave it. Somehow we need to find a solution, I get that. Just not sure what it is.

There is no need for you to be so judgmental of other people when you are asking for advice.

Sex is more important to some people than others. They have higher sex drives and it's very difficult for them to go with out. Many women also don't being emotionally blackmailed into sex, which is what your husband is doing. It's not nice. You may be perfectly happy with less sex and an emotionally coercive husband but not everybody is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you guys very religious?

OP here. I would say yes, religious, moderately so at least. That was the reason I married as a virgin, which despite all the virgin shamers out there, I do not regret at all.

I see that maybe he meant better than he said. I was taken aback by the wording. I do sometimes wish I liked sex more but really don't know how to change that. Counseling? Sex therapy? Books? Then sometimes I just don't really care. We did have enough sex to have two kids who I adore. But if we never had sex again, I would be fine with that.

You do realize that means you have a low drive, right? I am not shaming you but I am pointing it out so you realize that there are people who have no interest in living without sex for a week, much less for the rest of our lives. It's a lot easier to say you were a virgin for religious reasons, even if true, than to say you are also low drive.

Or it could mean she's never had good sex.

OP, sex is fun and intimate and can be a great adventure to go on together. Work with your husband and make it a mission together to have the best sex ever ... not just for him but for both of you. Try everything you feel comfortable with and a few things that are a little daring for you. Find the joy in sex. And maybe get the book.

FWIW, while I definitely had more experience in that department than you before I met my ex, I never really connected sex with desire and fun. I said the same thing you did about my ex that " I could do without sex." Fact was that I wasn't that attracted to him and our sex life was all about him and what he wanted and how he wanted it -- even if it was disguised as him thinking about me. I didn't orgasm the right way. I didn't enjoy certain acts that he wanted to do for me. Now I'm with someone that I find crazy attractive and our sex life is perfect for us and keeps getting better. It's one of the important ways that we bond together.

Good luck OP!

I agree that she needs to dump him and find someone who's good in bed.

Only if she is good in bed.

Anonymous wrote:My advice isn't to OP. It's to her husband. His statement is a turn-off, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because he sounds needy. Women don't like needy, especially with small kids around.

He needs to read the thread about doing a 180, about stop caring about the marriage. It worked for me, my marriage. I checked out, my wife checked back in. I don't know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it signals you aren't needy or you have options.

Positive reinforcement works. Punishment doesn't.

When you stop making demands on people, they can give you what they want to give. When that is met with appreciation and happiness and positive reinforcement, they feel like giving more because it made you happy and that made them happy.

It's really hard to engage with a spouse when you feel like you are being constantly criticized and nothing you do will ever be good enough.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I am utterly amazed at the people who just say dump him, move on, get with someone new. We have two great kids who are growing up successfully in a loving, nurturing environment. We have so many of the things I dreamed of having as a family. Ditch all that? Over sex? Not me. Maybe it's the religious part of me, but I can't believe how many people treat marriage as this disposable thing.

I understand a lot of you think sex should be better than it is. And I will work with my DH again on this. It is clear that he is not happy with the situation, and we need to work on it. Someone asked if I have ever had an orgasm. Yes, but never from actual intercourse. From oral. I don't know, but I have never come close to coming during actual sex. Like I said, I could take it or leave it. Somehow we need to find a solution, I get that. Just not sure what it is.

So have more oral for you. And more intercourse for him.

Simple.

Anonymous wrote:

This, incidentally, is why I think couples should not marry before having sex. How will you know what your sex drive is if you have never tried it out?

Except after you marry and DW says she was only high drive because she wanted to be liked and have a relationship, and to admit she is low drive after turning the marriage sexless

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you guys very religious?

OP here. I would say yes, religious, moderately so at least. That was the reason I married as a virgin, which despite all the virgin shamers out there, I do not regret at all.

I see that maybe he meant better than he said. I was taken aback by the wording. I do sometimes wish I liked sex more but really don't know how to change that. Counseling? Sex therapy? Books? Then sometimes I just don't really care. We did have enough sex to have two kids who I adore. But if we never had sex again, I would be fine with that.

Well, here's where I lose sympathy. Most of the religious that demand virginity do it as part of the concept that you are giving yourself to your spouse. So, in a religious framework, that's likely where his statement came from. If you're going to buy into the virginity/purity until marriage thing, then I don't get why you're taken aback at the "you give your body to your spouse" thing. Seems to me that all goes together.

While some are disgusted by your husband's comments, I get equally repulsed by the religious concept that a woman should remain a virgin until she gets married. But that's your choice.

While you may not regret it at all, I'm sure your husband does because likely this low libido thing would have come up before getting married if you hadn't waited. And then he could have gone into the marriage eyes wide open (meaning, if he had known you had low interest in sex before getting married, he'd be making the choice to proceed anyhow and accept that kind of marriage).

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this. And maybe I have no sympathy for your husband either if he put a lot of stock in "marrying a virgin."

I'm not a "virgin shamer." I'm fine with someone making that choice. But you reap the consequences of that. If you want to make a big deal about not having sex before marriage, then don't expect sympathy when you find out you're sexually mismatched after you get married.

And yes, I'm sure it works out for some people. They are virgins when they get married, and it all works out because, luckily, they are sexually compatible. But it's a gamble you take.

I also understand that having sex and knowing sexual compatibility before marriage doesn't ensure that it will stay that way. But it helps if at least at the start of the marriage, you know you are both sort of equally matched in libido, et cetera.

My advice isn't to OP. It's to her husband. His statement is a turn-off, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because he sounds needy. Women don't like needy, especially with small kids around.

He needs to read the thread about doing a 180, about stop caring about the marriage. It worked for me, my marriage. I checked out, my wife checked back in. I don't know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it signals you aren't needy or you have options.

If you aren't having sex you aren't really having a marriage. You can call it what you want, but you are roommates with kids.

I'm assuming the other thread is a spinoff to this one.

No, OP, you don't lose control of your body when you get married. Your husband was wrong to say that.

That said, I do think that sex is part of a healthy marriage. This is exactly why I think it's a bad idea to wait until you get married to have sex because you never really establish if you are well matched in that regard.

It's possible that you aren't really attracted to your husband, but you assume you don't like sex because you've never experienced it with another man.

It's also possible that you aren't interested in sex. And that's fine, too.

But the bottom line is that it is implied when you get married that sex will be part of the relationship, and that's why you pledge fidelity.

If you are uninterested in sex, that is totally fine, but you shouldn't expect your husband to live a life of celibacy. Perhaps you can agree to an open marriage. Or perhaps divorce is an option, especially if you don't have children yet.