Anonymous wrote:Mine's just not very good in bed. Like most men, he's too insecure to hear what I need because he interprets it as an insult to his manhood. The one time I said I didn't like something and asked for something else he lost his erection and then sulked. So now the tacit understanding is that it's better for him to have self esteem than for me to have pleasure, and they are mutually exclusive unless I find a way to like whatever he does.

I masturbate a lot and think about other people when I do it. When I'm with my husband I fake it weakly. Sometimes I don't fake it and then reassure him it's fine unpersuasively. I'm doing 90% of the work in bed and at home and equal work in the workplace so I feel my approach is generous enough.

At this point I'm not interested in having an affair but I could see myself doing so if someone caught my eye.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....I'm not really talking about communication or lack thereof. I have no problem expressing what I want. My problem is DH just flat out says "that's not what I want to do". Other than this, he isn't selfish in any way at all.

I don't think he has bad intentions. I think it's a combination of lack of knowledge how women work, embarrassment that he can't get it right, and he has this idea that women think it's sexy to be bossed around in bed (which may be true, but not in the way he does it).

Careful. If he doesn't want to do something sexually, that's his right. Refusing to perform acts that you want him to perform does not make him selfish. Pressuring him to do things in bed that he doesn't want to do and complaining that he does not do them is poor form, imo.

Sure - we should just lie back and fake it, I think you'd like that.

Exactly, PP.

I'm the PP who asked for an open marriage. OP's husband sounds similar to mine in bed. I'm going to try to spell it out for those of you who are not getting it (although this would be way easier to explain on the explicit forum).

1) Refusing to perform acts you want him to perform does not necessarily make him selfish. BUT, how is it anything other than selfishness if he expects you to perform those same acts on him but won't reciprocate? In my DH's case, he will sometimes perform the act when I explicitly ask for it, but makes it clear he's doing it out of obligation and wants to get it over with to get to the "fun" part. So of course it takes a while for me because there's nothing hot about duty sex, and he "gets tired" and stops without finishing. Also, while I obviously can't speak for the OP, I'm not asking for anything remotely kinky.

2) Theoretically, communication should help if he's performing an act but not doing it very well. I don't expect him to read my mind. But if I say "not so hard" or "a little to the left," he doesn't listen because he thinks his technique is awesome and he knows what I like better than I do. Or he passive aggressively (or it could be pure ineptness rather than passive aggressiveness, I suppose) stops applying any pressure at all or moves so far to the left he's completely out of the ballpark, then says "I told you so" when I say it's not working.

He also doesn't really get how women work, but thinks he does. He thinks I should get off from PIV the way a man does and if I don't, it's my responsibility to "fix" it somehow or take care of myself. If I explain that most women don't get off that way, he counters that everyone he's been with has except me. Many of the men in this thread seem to think the same way, so I guess it's not an uncommon attitude. But it is a selfish one. A good lover gets genuine pleasure from pleasing their partner. The vicarious pleasure I get from his pleasure has meant I've almost always accommodated his desires over the years. But lately the resentment at never getting mine has started to overcome that.

I still want to have sex with him because of the emotional intimacy factor, but I no longer go out of my way to make it good for him (frankly, he seems just as happy when I lie back and think of England) and I no longer bother trying to get my needs met from our sex life. Since the brief foray into open marriage ended, I'm experimenting with toys a lot. I don't want to go the affair route, but if an opportunity arose I can't say for sure I wouldn't act on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....I'm not really talking about communication or lack thereof. I have no problem expressing what I want. My problem is DH just flat out says "that's not what I want to do". Other than this, he isn't selfish in any way at all.

I don't think he has bad intentions. I think it's a combination of lack of knowledge how women work, embarrassment that he can't get it right, and he has this idea that women think it's sexy to be bossed around in bed (which may be true, but not in the way he does it).

Careful. If he doesn't want to do something sexually, that's his right. Refusing to perform acts that you want him to perform does not make him selfish. Pressuring him to do things in bed that he doesn't want to do and complaining that he does not do them is poor form, imo.

Sure - we should just lie back and fake it, I think you'd like that.

Exactly, PP.

I'm the PP who asked for an open marriage. OP's husband sounds similar to mine in bed. I'm going to try to spell it out for those of you who are not getting it (although this would be way easier to explain on the explicit forum).

1) Refusing to perform acts you want him to perform does not necessarily make him selfish. BUT, how is it anything other than selfishness if he expects you to perform those same acts on him but won't reciprocate? In my DH's case, he will sometimes perform the act when I explicitly ask for it, but makes it clear he's doing it out of obligation and wants to get it over with to get to the "fun" part. So of course it takes a while for me because there's nothing hot about duty sex, and he "gets tired" and stops without finishing. Also, while I obviously can't speak for the OP, I'm not asking for anything remotely kinky.

2) Theoretically, communication should help if he's performing an act but not doing it very well. I don't expect him to read my mind. But if I say "not so hard" or "a little to the left," he doesn't listen because he thinks his technique is awesome and he knows what I like better than I do. Or he passive aggressively (or it could be pure ineptness rather than passive aggressiveness, I suppose) stops applying any pressure at all or moves so far to the left he's completely out of the ballpark, then says "I told you so" when I say it's not working.

He also doesn't really get how women work, but thinks he does. He thinks I should get off from PIV the way a man does and if I don't, it's my responsibility to "fix" it somehow or take care of myself. If I explain that most women don't get off that way, he counters that everyone he's been with has except me. Many of the men in this thread seem to think the same way, so I guess it's not an uncommon attitude. But it is a selfish one. A good lover gets genuine pleasure from pleasing their partner. The vicarious pleasure I get from his pleasure has meant I've almost always accommodated his desires over the years. But lately the resentment at never getting mine has started to overcome that.

I still want to have sex with him because of the emotional intimacy factor, but I no longer go out of my way to make it good for him (frankly, he seems just as happy when I lie back and think of England) and I no longer bother trying to get my needs met from our sex life. Since the brief foray into open marriage ended, I'm experimenting with toys a lot. I don't want to go the affair route, but if an opportunity arose I can't say for sure I wouldn't act on it.

I dated someone like this. Was awful in bed and when I -- who had had a previous lover who went out of his way to make the act pleasurable to me -- tried to tell him what I liked, I was slut shamed. I don't understand why some men are like this. If I used teeth on very sensitive parts of their body and they didn't like it, I would stop. If they don't like things in the rear and I insist I am going to shove something up there anyway because they SHOULD like it, how would they feel?

Anyway, I left that relationship and married someone who is more attentive lover.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....I'm not really talking about communication or lack thereof. I have no problem expressing what I want. My problem is DH just flat out says "that's not what I want to do". Other than this, he isn't selfish in any way at all.

I don't think he has bad intentions. I think it's a combination of lack of knowledge how women work, embarrassment that he can't get it right, and he has this idea that women think it's sexy to be bossed around in bed (which may be true, but not in the way he does it).

Careful. If he doesn't want to do something sexually, that's his right. Refusing to perform acts that you want him to perform does not make him selfish. Pressuring him to do things in bed that he doesn't want to do and complaining that he does not do them is poor form, imo.

Sure - we should just lie back and fake it, I think you'd like that.

Exactly, PP.

I'm the PP who asked for an open marriage. OP's husband sounds similar to mine in bed. I'm going to try to spell it out for those of you who are not getting it (although this would be way easier to explain on the explicit forum).

1) Refusing to perform acts you want him to perform does not necessarily make him selfish. BUT, how is it anything other than selfishness if he expects you to perform those same acts on him but won't reciprocate? In my DH's case, he will sometimes perform the act when I explicitly ask for it, but makes it clear he's doing it out of obligation and wants to get it over with to get to the "fun" part. So of course it takes a while for me because there's nothing hot about duty sex, and he "gets tired" and stops without finishing. Also, while I obviously can't speak for the OP, I'm not asking for anything remotely kinky.

2) Theoretically, communication should help if he's performing an act but not doing it very well. I don't expect him to read my mind. But if I say "not so hard" or "a little to the left," he doesn't listen because he thinks his technique is awesome and he knows what I like better than I do. Or he passive aggressively (or it could be pure ineptness rather than passive aggressiveness, I suppose) stops applying any pressure at all or moves so far to the left he's completely out of the ballpark, then says "I told you so" when I say it's not working.

He also doesn't really get how women work, but thinks he does. He thinks I should get off from PIV the way a man does and if I don't, it's my responsibility to "fix" it somehow or take care of myself. If I explain that most women don't get off that way, he counters that everyone he's been with has except me. Many of the men in this thread seem to think the same way, so I guess it's not an uncommon attitude. But it is a selfish one. A good lover gets genuine pleasure from pleasing their partner. The vicarious pleasure I get from his pleasure has meant I've almost always accommodated his desires over the years. But lately the resentment at never getting mine has started to overcome that.

I still want to have sex with him because of the emotional intimacy factor, but I no longer go out of my way to make it good for him (frankly, he seems just as happy when I lie back and think of England) and I no longer bother trying to get my needs met from our sex life. Since the brief foray into open marriage ended, I'm experimenting with toys a lot. I don't want to go the affair route, but if an opportunity arose I can't say for sure I wouldn't act on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....I'm not really talking about communication or lack thereof. I have no problem expressing what I want. My problem is DH just flat out says "that's not what I want to do". Other than this, he isn't selfish in any way at all.

I don't think he has bad intentions. I think it's a combination of lack of knowledge how women work, embarrassment that he can't get it right, and he has this idea that women think it's sexy to be bossed around in bed (which may be true, but not in the way he does it).

Careful. If he doesn't want to do something sexually, that's his right. Refusing to perform acts that you want him to perform does not make him selfish. Pressuring him to do things in bed that he doesn't want to do and complaining that he does not do them is poor form, imo.

Sure - we should just lie back and fake it, I think you'd like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dh is awful in bed. He was my first and it took me years to realize that this is not what sex should feel like. Interestingly, he is just as selfish with everything else as he is in bed. Waiting for our youngest to start school and then I will kick him to the curb.

Good for you! I'm glad you realized sex can be better.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh is awful in bed. He was my first and it took me years to realize that this is not what sex should feel like. Interestingly, he is just as selfish with everything else as he is in bed. Waiting for our youngest to start school and then I will kick him to the curb.

Anonymous wrote:After a long and varied pre-marriage sex life, I've come to a sad conclusion that bad lovers aren't trainable. I mean, you can probably teach them a few tricks and with luck, they will become a little better, but they will never be as good as a naturally good lover. Some men just are very much into exploring and pleasing women, and some are not. It's like a fine palate or taste for music. If you don't have one naturally, you can become a little better, but never as good as someone who is naturally inclined that way. We all gravitate to things we love, when we do it often, we become better, and it's a self-feeding virtuous circle. This is why good lovers are naturally good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....I'm not really talking about communication or lack thereof. I have no problem expressing what I want. My problem is DH just flat out says "that's not what I want to do". Other than this, he isn't selfish in any way at all.

I don't think he has bad intentions. I think it's a combination of lack of knowledge how women work, embarrassment that he can't get it right, and he has this idea that women think it's sexy to be bossed around in bed (which may be true, but not in the way he does it).

Careful. If he doesn't want to do something sexually, that's his right. Refusing to perform acts that you want him to perform does not make him selfish. Pressuring him to do things in bed that he doesn't want to do and complaining that he does not do them is poor form, imo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here....I'm not really talking about communication or lack thereof. I have no problem expressing what I want. My problem is DH just flat out says "that's not what I want to do". Other than this, he isn't selfish in any way at all.

I don't think he has bad intentions. I think it's a combination of lack of knowledge how women work, embarrassment that he can't get it right, and he has this idea that women think it's sexy to be bossed around in bed (which may be true, but not in the way he does it).

Careful. If he doesn't want to do something sexually, that's his right. Refusing to perform acts that you want him to perform does not make him selfish. Pressuring him to do things in bed that he doesn't want to do and complaining that he does not do them is poor form, imo.