Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 16:42     Subject: Re:When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:in 40s kids were teenagers and DW's stopped having sex. most divorces clustered around this


Women initiate 70% of divorces, therfore take the lead in walking away from marriage. You think women leave their husbands because the women stop having sex? I think women might stop having sex because they are unhappy in their marriages.
From my experience. menopause doesn't help matter either.


It is hard to tease that out since many have children that have just left the nest (or nearly there) around the same time - it may be a combination.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 16:29     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My friend who is 38 had five bridesmaids. Two are having affairs, one is thinking about it, and one is unhappy. No divorces though.


Who does this at that age?!? One MOH and that's it if you're past the age of, say, 32. Jeez.
In my unscientific opinion, there's an inverse relationship between # of bridesmaids and the healthiness of the marriage. Especially later in life.


That's a really limited time frame since most people with good careers and an education (especially in DC) get married later in life. You're basically saying only people from age 28-32 can have more than one bridesmaid in DC.

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/getting-married-later-is-great-for-college-educated-women/274040/
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 16:21     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:My friend who is 38 had five bridesmaids. Two are having affairs, one is thinking about it, and one is unhappy. No divorces though.


Who does this at that age?!? One MOH and that's it if you're past the age of, say, 32. Jeez.
In my unscientific opinion, there's an inverse relationship between # of bridesmaids and the healthiness of the marriage. Especially later in life.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 14:14     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends are mid 40s, highly educated, good careers most all got married mid 30s. None divorced, but the number of affairs? Staggering. I always wonder...how do they find the time??[/quote]

This ×100


Seriously! I don't get it, either.

FWIW, I divorced at around 30 with a toddler, and the folks in my circle who likewise split were around the same age with kids around the same age. Some of us just married badly, and one had a partner who went off the rails with a mental illness. FWIW, over a decade later two of us have since remarried stronger, smarter, and better with clearer eyes.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 11:04     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends are mid 40s, highly educated, good careers most all got married mid 30s. None divorced, but the number of affairs? Staggering. I always wonder...how do they find the time??


This ×100
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 09:37     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.


This was pretty much what I was going to mention - starter marriages, marriages just out of the infant/toddler years, and marriages when the kids hit college.

The starter marriage divorces are just slightly more complicated break ups between boyfriends and girlfriends.

My theory on the ones just out of the infant/toddler years is that the divorce happens sometime around when the kids hit school age. Before that, everyone is just holding on for dear life. When the kids' needs become somewhat less relentless, one or both of the partners finally has time to look around and notice that their marriage has shattered and he or she is deeply unhappy.


Oh, please. Don't minimize. My "starter divorce" was the most grief I have ever experienced (married 7 years, together for 10). In my circle, the first wave of divorces was probably pretty predictable, since we married early (21-25). We are on second marriages now.


you may be an outlier. I knew at least five friends in starter marriages back in the 90s. All of them moved on very very quickly and happily. Seems like the millineals arent doing the marriage at age 25 anymore so maybe fewer starter marriages these days?
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2016 03:00     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Most of my friends are mid 40s, highly educated, good careers most all got married mid 30s. None divorced, but the number of affairs? Staggering. I always wonder...how do they find the time??
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 20:59     Subject: Re:When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dw here. I'll be divorcing if he doesn't start having sex at least once a week. Or if I catch him cheating and lying again.


So he wants sex, but just not from you?


I think so.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 20:57     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
My friend who is 38 had five bridesmaids. Two are having affairs, one is thinking about it, and one is unhappy. No divorces though.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 20:35     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:

d) 25+ years (50+ crowd). Parents were relatively happy, or worked through unhappy moments while raising kids, and while their kids were in their 20s. They didn't divorce once the kids went to college, but further down the line toward retirement. Example: husband retires, but still doesn't want to spend time with his wife. Each person has completely separate interests, activities, and views on how to spend money and retirement funds. Wife ends up filing for divorce so that she can receive part of the retirement funds, or husband files for divorce, because he wants more time to pursue activities without having his wife around.

This is when my in-laws divorced. Age 66 - right after retirement. In their peer group three other close friends have also divorced. Money differences plus "I'm tired of putting up with your shit" attitude.


Tipper and Al Gore.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 19:53     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.


This was pretty much what I was going to mention - starter marriages, marriages just out of the infant/toddler years, and marriages when the kids hit college.

The starter marriage divorces are just slightly more complicated break ups between boyfriends and girlfriends.

My theory on the ones just out of the infant/toddler years is that the divorce happens sometime around when the kids hit school age. Before that, everyone is just holding on for dear life. When the kids' needs become somewhat less relentless, one or both of the partners finally has time to look around and notice that their marriage has shattered and he or she is deeply unhappy.


Oh, please. Don't minimize. My "starter divorce" was the most grief I have ever experienced (married 7 years, together for 10). In my circle, the first wave of divorces was probably pretty predictable, since we married early (21-25). We are on second marriages now.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 19:44     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.


I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.


My parents went through a bitter divorce and my sister and I Are both happily married. Many of my friends with married parents Are divorced. I think seeing my parents divorce Made my sister and I much more cautious about marriage. We learned from our parents' mistakes.


+1. I saw my parents' mistakes, and I also know that, contrary to what they choose to believe, divorce is bad for children and not much of a solution for adults either. I take better care of my marriage than they ever did.


I think the current research is more that a large number of children of divorce separate into two camps: those who repeat the mistakes and those who learn.

Congratulations to both of you on your choice of the later.

Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 19:42     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
My parents were married 49 years until my dad passed away. The should have divorced when I was a kid.

I'm going through a divorce now- early 40's, high school aged kids, married 18 years (together 20). Marriage became the lowest priority after work, kids activities, pets, household chores. It died a slow and painful death. Still very close friends with the soon to be ex.

Friends who have divorced, all early to mid-40's, together 15-20 years. One instance was infidelity by the husband, one was the wife being fed up with the husbands lack of involvement with the family, one the husband was certifiably crazy, one the husband spent too much time playing video games (not kidding).
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 19:27     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.


I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.


My parents went through a bitter divorce and my sister and I Are both happily married. Many of my friends with married parents Are divorced. I think seeing my parents divorce Made my sister and I much more cautious about marriage. We learned from our parents' mistakes.


+1. I saw my parents' mistakes, and I also know that, contrary to what they choose to believe, divorce is bad for children and not much of a solution for adults either. I take better care of my marriage than they ever did.
Anonymous
Post 10/12/2016 17:17     Subject: When did divorces start happening in your circle?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.


I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.


My parents went through a bitter divorce and my sister and I Are both happily married. Many of my friends with married parents Are divorced. I think seeing my parents divorce Made my sister and I much more cautious about marriage. We learned from our parents' mistakes.