Is take street smarts over book smarts any day.
I swear if my pedigreed, over educated spouse loses his keys, forgets the kids or avoids any more decisions/ conversations I'll really lose it!

I thought my husband was in the same ballpark, but his brain has deteriorated in the past 20 years so he's now noticeably slower than I am. It's all the drinking and being in the same job, I'd imagine.

I married my intellectual equal who was not my equal in other ways. Low energy and processing speed, little ambition, lower IQ, poor organizational skills. It may have worked if he had been able to say, "you're better than me at this," and let me do the things that I could do far better. But instead it was a constant struggle with his ego wanting to be better at things, which ended with my having no respect for him and with his resentment of my being more successful and more able.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can learn foreign languages quite easily (I speak 7 and can read/write in 2 'dead' languages) and scored in the 99% percentile.

I am extremely jealous. I've been working on a second language for years and years now, and it's so hard for me. That is such an awesome skill to have!

If you have little ones, help them with their language school homework....you will be surprised how quickly you will be able to learn another language and it will be SUPER fun!

Me: went to so so state school for my undergrad (solid business degree), great state school for my MBA, speak three languages, really good at one difficult sport requiring lots of skill and practice, turn heads with men, moderate type-A, easy going, make ~100K.

SO: went to great private school (useless save the world degree), Ivy for his MBA, speaks another language with difficulty, older than me by 10 years, can't play a sport worth of s***, extreme type-A, serious all the time unless he is around me, makes 250K.

Is he my intellectual equal?....AbsoF*****lutely....the man is an awe of me--being 10 years younger does help --and we have an awesome healthy relationship based on respect and trust. He makes me laugh all the time and makes me want to be a better person. I think somewhat similar educational backgrounds and similar values are more important in a relationship vs. Ivy League education.

Anonymous wrote:I can learn foreign languages quite easily (I speak 7 and can read/write in 2 'dead' languages) and scored in the 99% percentile.

I am extremely jealous. I've been working on a second language for years and years now, and it's so hard for me. That is such an awesome skill to have!

Anonymous wrote:I did marry an intellectual equal. He's intelligent, social and successful. I went to Harvard and was considered very attractive back in the day. I had tons of suitors. From a third party perspective, we probably have an ideal life. Behind closed doors, our marriage is dead. I sometimes daydream about running away with a hot firefighter who makes me laugh. DH never makes me laugh. He doesn't even make me smile.

That is so sad. I wish I was a firefighter! Good luck as I'm sure you are trying to figure out what path to take.

Before I met my wife I dated a bunch of very attractive women who, while well educated, were not intellectually curious. You could tell they weren't keeping up with world events or had much of an interest in much beyond their own small worlds. They were very nice and fun to be with but something was missing. Then along came my wife who had everything they had plus major league intellectual horsepower. I find real smarts to be very sexy and she had real smarts. She is more than my equal in this area (she married down!) and after 38 years of marriage I still find her smarts to be sexy...along with the rest of her.

But that doesn't mean that people need to be intellectually equal to have a good relationship. There is so much more to a relationship than intellectual compatibility. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Intelligence is a "part of the package" and if you really like the package than why worry?

I typically date guys who are very smart and intellectual. But I do have a real appreciation for guys with street smarts, who can fix or build things. When I meet or date those guys, I don't mind that our interests aren't 100% aligned. I see the value in what they are bringing to the table.

There is value in a person who is cerebral and thinks about deep stuff, but there is also value in a person who is competent and able to get sh*t done. And sometimes if you're lucky, you can get both in the same person.

I married up. She's smarter, went to better schools, etc. I'm not so bright. It was a rare chance for me to have smarter kids, and I jumped on it. So far, after two kids, it's working out OK overall.

I did marry an intellectual equal. He's intelligent, social and successful. I went to Harvard and was considered very attractive back in the day. I had tons of suitors. From a third party perspective, we probably have an ideal life. Behind closed doors, our marriage is dead. I sometimes daydream about running away with a hot firefighter who makes me laugh. DH never makes me laugh. He doesn't even make me smile.

I'd love getting coffee with you Ms. Brit lit, philosophy and foreign film chick. To each their own interest. You don't sound elitist at all.

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Anonymous wrote:It's considerably more subtle than that. You need to learn to value non-academic skills.

My husband has a stratospheric IQ but is not interested in anything except a few topics and never reads anything outside those. He leaves the parenting to me. Culture and deportment mean nothing to him.

I'm the social one, with a measly 130 IQ, am very well-read and well-traveled, a good listener, plus I happen to think I'm a wonderful parent... yet my husband can casually troubleshoot whatever problem I happen to have, even in subjects he's usually not interested in. It's maddening! I brainstorm and talk to experts and do all this stuff, and he comes home and strolls over and immediately has the solution. Puncture.

Now if only he could troubleshoot his own foibles as a husband and father...

I could have written this. But I'll also add that I am more "successful" in my career than my spouse, despite his extremely high IQ (mine is also a measly 130 . Compared to my spouse, I have much better people skills, negotiating skills, listening skills, and frankly more common sense when it comes to navigating workplace politics. The inability to do those things well will always hold my husband back in his career, even though he may be the smartest person in his workplace!

I am similar to the above. Have a grad degree in liberal arts and a J.D. Spouse has a STEM degree and is mechanical. I think he is probably more intelligent than I am, but we have completely different interests. We do not read the same types of books, listen to the same kind of music, and are not interested in the same type of movies. ItHe watches sports, and I don't. It was a concern I had before we got married and continues to be an issue. Not sure he cares much, though, or that he ever did. We are so busy now with kids that we don't have time to do anything much, anyway. However, I think compatibility is a big issue. I may be the odd one, though, honestly, bc I don't really have friends with similar interests, either.

What are your interests? Name your favorite book, music, movie, other interest(s).

Think of modernism/British lit, philosophy, foreign films. Kind of sounds elitist typing it, but I can't help my interests...

No. It just sounds really boring. Maybe you are really boring and it's not that people can't talk to your level, they just don't want to carry on a conversation on with you because it's painfully droll.

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm..... This is a tough one ... It depends on what assets you value going in to the relationship..... My DH in hindsight admitted to me that he married me for my looks alone (not my personality) which on one hand is insulting but indicative of his superficial need for a "trophy wife"..... I went to an Ivy League school and grad school but my DH is threatened by my academic/career success and I have played that down around him/don't emphasize my work at home.... He would rather me seem his intellectual inferior (I have a faster processing speed and IQ).

It is hard to admit but it is kind of like the adult version of when I had to "play dumb" in elementary school ....

Our relationship works although here as a DW I can attest that many men feel threatened by a "successful" or "serious" woman and i tone this down in all contexts...

I'm not proud of this as I have a Daughter and hope she can be hot and smart some day without having to play dumb....

So long story short I think many men marry hot /dumb because they are not threatened by such women - and if you happen to be smart many men would rather have you play the hot/dumb role.....

This made me feel sad for you, pp. Why are you putting up with this?

My brothers were sure I'd never get married because men don't want women who are smarter than them. I went to a state university but majored in a highly intellectual subject. I can learn foreign languages quite easily (I speak 7 and can read/write in 2 'dead' languages) and scored in the 99% percentile. I'm also extremely good in high pressure situations, quick on my feet and adaptable. I was never 'trophy wife' material - definitely not attractive enough. Not ugly, just not ever turning heads.

My DH went to low regarded state college and it took him 6 years to graduate. He bounced from job to job, never really liking it. He is nowhere near my intellectual equal and his processing speed is pretty low. He usually lets me do the talking in any kind of business /school environment. Yet, he's not dumb. It may take him a while but he gets things and makes some connections that I don't. When he's interested in something (and his interests can jump), he can quickly become expert in it. He isn't in the least intimidated by me. He LIKES that I'm smart. He knows he's got some excellent qualities that are deserving of respect and appreciation. He's comfortable with who he is. We've got 3 kids and have been married 20 years. We've had some rough spots but never because of differing intellect. We've got a lot of other things in common.