These girls aren't being "mean girls", they don't want to hang out with someone they aren't friends with, don't have activities in common with, and are now being forced to like. The teacher's response was perfect, it's not OP's problem and her kid isn't doing anything wrong.

She said that it is fairly common and that there are many children to play with during recess. [/b]She said that if Mary was having a problem she could only discuss that with her parents [b](basically she kindly told me to mind my own business)

Anonymous wrote:OP UPDATE*** Ok, so I went to do Thursday folders this morning and spoke to the teacher while the kids were not in the classroom. She reiterated what she said before, that DD was a very kind child and that she worked well with everyone in the classroom, including Mary. When I told her about the club she seemed unfazed. She said that it is fairly common and that there are many children to play with during recess. [/b]She said that if Mary was having a problem she could only discuss that with her parents [b](basically she kindly told me to mind my own business). So this is as far as I go. I'll keep teaching my daughter to be kind and if the mother approaches me again I'll tell her to speak with the teacher. Thank you for all the responses.

Anonymous wrote:OP UPDATE*** Ok, so I went to do Thursday folders this morning and spoke to the teacher while the kids were not in the classroom. She reiterated what she said before, that DD was a very kind child and that she worked well with everyone in the classroom, including Mary. When I told her about the club she seemed unfazed. She said that it is fairly common and that there are many children to play with during recess. She said that if Mary was having a problem she could only discuss that with her parents (basically she kindly told me to mind my own business). So this is as far as I go. I'll keep teaching my daughter to be kind and if the mother approaches me again I'll tell her to speak with the teacher. Thank you for all the responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so the club voting thing is not great, but I don't think OP's kid is a mean girl. I think she just doesn't connect with this particular kid. Presumably there are dozens of other kids that the other kid could play with, but she wants to be your daughter's friend for some reason. She's like those kids hanging around the fringes of the popular group in high school, trying to fit in, while ignoring the 200 other kids who might want to hang out.

Honestly, I don't want to hang out with just anyone. I have preferences when it comes to my friends. If I don't connect with you, I don't see the point in forcing it.

Now if every girl in the class (or soccer team or girl scout troop) was hanging and excluding her, there's a problem. But I don't see why we should force kids to be friends when they don't want to.

I agree. And all this also makes me think about how the "be nice to everyone/be friends with everyone" affects girls later when they start getting unwanted attention from boys. We all have liked people who haven't reciprocated our feelings of friendship or romance, and vice versa. It hurts. But it's important for kids to learn how to deal with it maturely and kindly from both sides.

Anonymous wrote:Parents at my e school started having after school ice skating parties and that kind of thing and inviting only a select group. They also formed exclusive scout troops limited by amount of space in pickup cars. The kids very quickly got the message about who they were supposed to be friends with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.

It is ironic that your thread title says "do you force your kids to play with certain kids" but if you look at the bolded part, you can see that you very much do this already. YOU (and many other moms) force groupings/cliques/clubs by running your kids lives based on parent decisions. So when there is that very little time of unstructured play without parents (recess) - kids have a hard time being welcoming and learning how to socially make friends, be friends, and choose their own likes and dislikes.

The club part makes my stomach turn. I am not sure whose idea it was in the group but it is not nice and the girls know that. You need to nip this in the bud and get the school counselor involved.

Anonymous wrote:Mary's mom is also not too socially skillful. Who says things like that to other moms? Work on your child's social skills. Buy her a cool toy maybe! Talk to the teacher, after all! But not the other mom who suddenly is obliged to make your daughter popular. Ugh.

PP, It is obvious you don't have a daughter with Aspergers or is socially shy. I never did ask any parents for help but, they could see that it was stressful for both my DD and me and they rarely went out of their way to be inclusive. Would it kill anyone to be nice and inclusive and not vote you out of the club because you are quiet?