My daughter goes to Holton. We are true middle class, on some FA and she has friends that live in mansions all the way to small apartments with a single mom. None of them seem to care. She has been going there since 6th and is in upper school now.

And a few of her "rich" friends love coming to our house. Why? Because we have a house that is touchable, a basement with games, some pets, a normal neighborhood, and we are hands on parents who enjoy kids around. A few of her friends live on estates in no mans land raised by nannies. Parents travel often for work or pleasure. They get lonely. Rich doesn't always equal happiness and it has been a huge eye opener for my teen.

Halloween? We have at least 8 girls every year sleeping over. Their neighborhoods are ghost towns and we have big block party celebrations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn $250K combined but live well below our means. Our kids feel pretty socially isolated.

That's because you are choosing to live below your means. That's fine, but I wouldn't blame your kids isolation on others but on your choice to live like paupers when you don't have to. *shrug*

This is such a bizarre perspective to me. We have a hhi of about 180 and purposely live in an affordable house. This is for security, to keep our options open on paying tuition, and because we don't really need a large house. Maybe we'll trade up some day; or maybe we'll just invest the extra. In any case, right now we're leaving margin because its a sound situation to have.

It's a bit irksome to hear that we're supposed to spend up to our means JUST to win social respectability. I won't dispute that it could be true, but it's a bit wacky that it might be.

My inclination is not to worry about it. But if this is the 'social message' picked up in an environment where a lot of wealth is taken for granted, this certainly is an unpleasant side-effect.

In private elementary school, my kids were among the last to go to Europe--they were in 5th and 3rd grades when we finally got over there. My eldest pointed this out to us, not in a mean way, but sort of wistfully.

hen they transferred to public magnets where a minority of kids had been abroad. I'm guessing most magnet kids had been overseas by high school graduation, but by then my kids had left the country 2-3 times each.

It's hard to convince your kids that you're even upper middle class, as we are, when you're in private school. Not saying private school doesn't have some advantages, but this particular fact of life is hard to avoid.

I am one of those wealthy parents that nudges my kids towards certain families. It doesn't matter one bit to me if you are on financial aid. I want my kids to be friends with nice well behaved children with decent parents. In my experience, rich people, especially white folks (sorry to call you out) are the cheapest jerks. My kids have been on play dates at their homes and not once was a snack or a juice offered to my child over a period of 4 hours, yet when they come to my house, I order pizza and give snacks. My son's most favorite play date was at a home where the parents built a zip line in their townhouse backyard and gave him Popsicles then the mom did temp tattoos on their hands. The worst was at a huge ass home in Mclean where the mom made/served dinner in front of him without offering him a plate or a seat at the table. So moral of the story, the size of your wallet doesn't matter, it's the size of your heart. Kids can figure that out and will stay away from the jerks that beget jerks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn $250K combined but live well below our means. Our kids feel pretty socially isolated.

That's because you are choosing to live below your means. That's fine, but I wouldn't blame your kids isolation on others but on your choice to live like paupers when you don't have to. *shrug*

That's fine...judge away. I know I won't have to sell my house if either my husband or I lose our jobs and we will be able to pay for our children's college in cash.

So what makes your kids feel isolated if not by your own choices?

I think some of you are missing her point. Kids can easily feel on the social margins with that kind of income. Someone said earlier it varies class to class and year to year, even in the same school. Sometimes the income and what goes with it matters more. Sometimes not. There's not a universal experience, but there's a real possibility of being swept to the side. As long as your kid(s) have other options in their year group, it can still work out fine. See how it goes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn $250K combined but live well below our means. Our kids feel pretty socially isolated.

That's because you are choosing to live below your means. That's fine, but I wouldn't blame your kids isolation on others but on your choice to live like paupers when you don't have to. *shrug*

That's fine...judge away. I know I won't have to sell my house if either my husband or I lose our jobs and we will be able to pay for our children's college in cash.

So what makes your kids feel isolated if not by your own choices?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn $250K combined but live well below our means. Our kids feel pretty socially isolated.

That's because you are choosing to live below your means. That's fine, but I wouldn't blame your kids isolation on others but on your choice to live like paupers when you don't have to. *shrug*

That's fine...judge away. I know I won't have to sell my house if either my husband or I lose our jobs and we will be able to pay for our children's college in cash.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn $250K combined but live well below our means. Our kids feel pretty socially isolated.

That's because you are choosing to live below your means. That's fine, but I wouldn't blame your kids isolation on others but on your choice to live like paupers when you don't have to. *shrug*

My husband and I earn $250K combined but live well below our means. Our kids feel pretty socially isolated.

+1. Similar experience.

I became best friends with two wealthy families who legit treated me like their adopted daughter. They knew I wasn't rich, so they'd invite me places and were upfront about paying for everything. To high net worth people, an extra $500 on a kid's place ticket, extra plate at a restaurant, a ski lift ticket isn't a blip on their radar.

I wasn't incredibly savvy or anything, just a strong student, honest, no drama, didn't really drink or do any drugs, always said thank you. I assume parents liked that they could trust me and I was a good influence. Still really close with those families.

Anonymous wrote:My kids struggled most with the "extras" that made them feel bad... not being able to go to the sleep away soccer clinic at princeton with their friends, relying on getting invited to swim at the pool because we aren't members, not getting to go to nantucket even if invited because we can't afford the plane ticket even though staying there would be free, going to scout camp instead of the fancy ones in maine... then the not having a tutor even though they struggled a bit, not being able to get an evaluation to get extra time (the rich kids do this and a lot of the time its BS to get an advantage, testing is 5k), taking a group SAT prep class and using youtube rather than having the tutor, not having the separate college counselor counselor who makes the application perfect and edits the essays...

Those are real things -- not easy to deal with in adolescence, particularly when the kids who have access to all the extras don't always seem to realize their good fortune. For what it's worth, I remember similar feelings as a child of a family with modest financial means attending public school in a relatively affluent community. But I got a wonderful education and have warm memories of teachers and classmates long after the wish I too could come back from winter break with a cool ski slope tan has faded (as did the tans). Hopefully the same is true for your kids, and they enjoyed the small class sizes and attention of faculty members who had the teaching load to be able to give plenty of attention to a given kid? Or got to play on varsity sports teams that they might not have been able to make at a really big high school? Or participated in some great theatrical productions?

Anonymous wrote:Every time this question comes up I wonder why does it really matter? In life you will form true bonds of friendship with the people you are meant to be friends with. If that means you don't have friends from other socioeconomic backgrounds so be it. I just don't see why people who aren't wealthy are so concerned with being accepted or befriended by people who are wealthy. To be clear, I get that for kids it can be an issue feeling excluded but I get the impression that most of the time it's about the parents (grown adults) feeling excluded.

The question interests me. But it is not because I have any special desire for my child to make friends with the wealthy circle of children. It is, simply, that with so many wealthy children in prep school, I worry that subtle exclusion from this circle (intentional or just because that is how it shakes down) would mean feeling that one is non the periphery of the school community. It is one thing to envy a weekend trip to Paris; it is another to feel one is an outsider.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By high school parental status really doesn't matter. Our FA kid is best friend with a kid who is from a very wealthy family. They invite him to concerts
And weekends at country houses etc. we invite their son for BBQ in our yard. My
Younger kid
Is extremely social and kids and parents tell me he is considered one of the most popular in the school. He has dozens of friends of every economic status and can't go to all the parties and events he is invited to because he is so busy socially. I really think money only becomes an issue of the patents choose to make it one.

Your son is groomed and has high social IQ. Most financial aid proletariat have no idea how to condition their dull kids for an elite circle.

Your son sounds very charismatic and would probably be a leader in any circle.

Thank you. I do think it is important to tell your kids to choose friends based on their character and not because of money, and ofcourse to live by those values yourself as adults. We have firends from all different economic strata. Also to tell them that kids at their school may have more money, but that doesn't mean they are happier. Some rich kids can be lonely, lack self confidence etc., just like some poor kids. This may sound trite, but we try to teach our kids to be kind to everyone.

Anonymous wrote:My kids struggled most with the "extras" that made them feel bad... not being able to go to the sleep away soccer clinic at princeton with their friends, relying on getting invited to swim at the pool because we aren't members, not getting to go to nantucket even if invited because we can't afford the plane ticket even though staying there would be free, going to scout camp instead of the fancy ones in maine... then the not having a tutor even though they struggled a bit, not being able to get an evaluation to get extra time (the rich kids do this and a lot of the time its BS to get an advantage, testing is 5k), taking a group SAT prep class and using youtube rather than having the tutor, not having the separate college counselor counselor who makes the application perfect and edits the essays...

I'm kind of sad to read this. I hope your kids did not feel bad for lacking the extras. It's just part of life that some will have more. The same exact thing can be found in public schools too.

I grew up as the "wealthy" kid in a middle class public high school, and I greatly enjoyed high school.

My DH grew up as the "poor" kid (e.g. middle class) in a wealthy public high school, and he had a negative high school experience. I think he was always so sensitive about what others had. His sister still recalls not being able to afford "Esprit" clothing (in the 1980's). My DH and his sister are both successful and happy now, and it turned out for the best that they went to that high school because of the opportunities it game them and the chance to learn from their peers about applying to the best colleges etc. I think that they would have enjoyed it perhaps a little more if they had just disregarded all the extras that they lacked (because they were otherwise successful at school and after-school activities and were well-liked).