Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Riiigh, crazy aging parents just love going to therapists. It wouldn't solve the financial problems (also a product of divorce) nor the medical problems. Not would it change the fact that my dad's AP is psycho. Sorry hon but this sucks for me and no therapist could fix it. Divorce is dumping your problems on your children. Have a great vacation! I'll be here, caring for my mom because it's the right thing to do. In sickness or in health, right?

In any community, regardless of your economic situation, there are support groups and options for your DM to vent without you bearing that burden. Financially, not all divorces are between parties with earning potential, sad reality. It's good that you have taken on the burden of your DM, but it is sad that you do not want to provide DM with some outlet outside of yourself to repair her emotions and give her a new friend group. You could make this happen for DM if you really wanted to, the question is do you really want it for DM?

Actually I have asked and she declined. But the real problem is that she doesn't like her bipolar meds so she sometimes doesn't take them. It's super fun to be dealing with her while my dad is enjoying life with his AP.

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Riiigh, crazy aging parents just love going to therapists. It wouldn't solve the financial problems (also a product of divorce) nor the medical problems. Not would it change the fact that my dad's AP is psycho. Sorry hon but this sucks for me and no therapist could fix it. Divorce is dumping your problems on your children. Have a great vacation! I'll be here, caring for my mom because it's the right thing to do. In sickness or in health, right?

In any community, regardless of your economic situation, there are support groups and options for your DM to vent without you bearing that burden. Financially, not all divorces are between parties with earning potential, sad reality. It's good that you have taken on the burden of your DM, but it is sad that you do not want to provide DM with some outlet outside of yourself to repair her emotions and give her a new friend group. You could make this happen for DM if you really wanted to, the question is do you really want it for DM?

Actually I have asked and she declined. But the real problem is that she doesn't like her bipolar meds so she sometimes doesn't take them. It's super fun to be dealing with her while my dad is enjoying life with his AP.

Anonymous wrote:I left exH for many reasons but falling for someone else definitely was the final nail in coffin. I never thought of other man as an AP, my relationship with ex H was so broken by the time we met.
Of course my ex had always seen things differently - he refuses to believe that I didn't leave him for another man. Oh well, we all live in our own realities.
Ten years later yes we are still together. Yes there are children involved. The kids are all happy when we are all together, they seem to be doing just fine. I do worry about their adulthood, how they will handle relationships etc. But for now they are in a good place thank god.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Riiigh, crazy aging parents just love going to therapists. It wouldn't solve the financial problems (also a product of divorce) nor the medical problems. Not would it change the fact that my dad's AP is psycho. Sorry hon but this sucks for me and no therapist could fix it. Divorce is dumping your problems on your children. Have a great vacation! I'll be here, caring for my mom because it's the right thing to do. In sickness or in health, right?

In any community, regardless of your economic situation, there are support groups and options for your DM to vent without you bearing that burden. Financially, not all divorces are between parties with earning potential, sad reality. It's good that you have taken on the burden of your DM, but it is sad that you do not want to provide DM with some outlet outside of yourself to repair her emotions and give her a new friend group. You could make this happen for DM if you really wanted to, the question is do you really want it for DM?

Anonymous wrote:I left exH for many reasons but falling for someone else definitely was the final nail in coffin. I never thought of other man as an AP, my relationship with ex H was so broken by the time we met.
Of course my ex had always seen things differently - he refuses to believe that I didn't leave him for another man. Oh well, we all live in our own realities.
Ten years later yes we are still together. Yes there are children involved. The kids are all happy when we are all together, they seem to be doing just fine. I do worry about their adulthood, how they will handle relationships etc. But for now they are in a good place thank god.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Riiigh, crazy aging parents just love going to therapists. It wouldn't solve the financial problems (also a product of divorce) nor the medical problems. Not would it change the fact that my dad's AP is psycho. Sorry hon but this sucks for me and no therapist could fix it. Divorce is dumping your problems on your children. Have a great vacation! I'll be here, caring for my mom because it's the right thing to do. In sickness or in health, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

No, DF here. I NEVER left my DC and have been there everyday their DM would allow, both financially and emotionally. I left their DM, and she knows why because she has shared it with the world. It's a shame that her chosen revenge target would be our DC, although I am sure that was never my ex's intention, it is the end result of her anger. I NEVER left my DC, and I was there for my ex anytime she needed me, financially or just a cup of coffee. Ex knew full well the depth of our problems that led me astray, and yet she chose to ignore my repeated requests for counseling. Good luck to you and I am sorry your DM left this burden to you.

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

And trust me, you will have NO control over that ex partner/wife/husband. And you will always be wrong and the kids will always choose that person, mostly because that person makes them feel guilty if they spend any happy quality time with the other party. Unless the person you are leaving to pursue the AP is mental stable, financially stable and wants this as much as you, you will always be on the wrong side in your kids eyes. Graduations, baby showers, wedding, etc., you name it, the wronged ex will put their stamp on the occasion to constantly remind you that you are an ASS. Just the way it will be, if you can live with that, go ahead, but remember the AP is/will be the target of most of these situations and you and AP will also have a strained relationship because there will be lots of times that you will not be able to help yourselves and will take it out on each other. Picture this, we are on a ski trip in Aspen with step children, many years after divorce, and ex in in Europe with long time live in beau, we are having an amazing time and the children are laughing, engaging and genuinely enjoying the skiing and family time. Mom calls, after realizing kids are having fun, uses every phone call to bring them down until the trip is just ruined. This is just one of many times until we gave up and stopped taking the kids with us, contrary to what other pps are saying, the kids wanted to go and had fun with us, but the ex never stopped, and I mean, NEVER. If you are prepared for this drama, which I don't think anyone is, well, good luck.

Poor AP. Another woman ruining your family life. That must suck.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

And trust me, you will have NO control over that ex partner/wife/husband. And you will always be wrong and the kids will always choose that person, mostly because that person makes them feel guilty if they spend any happy quality time with the other party. Unless the person you are leaving to pursue the AP is mental stable, financially stable and wants this as much as you, you will always be on the wrong side in your kids eyes. Graduations, baby showers, wedding, etc., you name it, the wronged ex will put their stamp on the occasion to constantly remind you that you are an ASS. Just the way it will be, if you can live with that, go ahead, but remember the AP is/will be the target of most of these situations and you and AP will also have a strained relationship because there will be lots of times that you will not be able to help yourselves and will take it out on each other. Picture this, we are on a ski trip in Aspen with step children, many years after divorce, and ex in in Europe with long time live in beau, we are having an amazing time and the children are laughing, engaging and genuinely enjoying the skiing and family time. Mom calls, after realizing kids are having fun, uses every phone call to bring them down until the trip is just ruined. This is just one of many times until we gave up and stopped taking the kids with us, contrary to what other pps are saying, the kids wanted to go and had fun with us, but the ex never stopped, and I mean, NEVER. If you are prepared for this drama, which I don't think anyone is, well, good luck.

Poor AP. Another woman ruining your family life. That must suck.