Anonymous wrote:DH and I celebrated our 15th anniversary a few months ago, and on our anniversary DH said that we should go on a trip together as our present to each other. I told DH that it would be great if he could plan it, since I typically plan all of our trips, and I would really appreciate him taking that over as his present to me. My slow season at work was coming up, so I told him it would be great timing if we could go away at that time.

A few weeks later I had heard nothing about the trip. I asked him about it and he said that he really didn't know how to go about planning a trip and I should just do it. Basically that consists of me finding a few options and him vetoing them until we can come up with something we can both live with. We booked it, but by that time it was out of our budget for my slow season, so we booked it for a few months later.

Now that the vacation time is approaching, I am not feeling excited about it for many reasons. I feel like there's a lot of pressure for us to "reconnect" on this trip, and that makes me feel stressed about it. I know we have things to work on, especially our dead sex life, but the pressure makes it not seem fun. It's almost awkward being with him alone these days. Not much to talk about other than work, our child and sports. Work is now much busier for me and there's a lot of preparation I need to do in order to be out, and then I'll have to deal with coming back and picking up the pieces. Our child has been going through a phase of not wanting to stay at grandma and grandpa's, so that news will not go over well. And, of course, my period is predicted to arrive on the day we leave.

DH also may be qualifying for a work-related incentive trip in a few months that's in a location we both love. I don't have enough leave to go on both, so I'd have to forgo that trip if he qualifies. I can go if we don't go on the upcoming trip.

I know it would be upsetting to DH if I told him how I was feeling, so I probably won't. Maybe it's just anxiety and everything will go much better than I anticipate. And part of it may be a little bit of resentment that he didn't have any ideas for an anniversary gift so he came up with this idea on the day of our anniversary but he didn't actually put any effort into it and then it ended up falling in my lap. We're not big gift people, but we have given each other gifts on our bigger anniversaries in the past. Yes, technically this is a gift, but it was more like he's been wanting a vacation so it was a good time to have me plan one.

Should I say something to DH or just go ahead with it as planned? Yes, it's a nice problem to have, but I wish I could get excited about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP started this thread, shes gone on the vacation, had a terrible time, divorced her husband, remarried, and had three more kids.

Omg…2016! Why do people resurrect old posts? Lol- you are probably right.

Anonymous wrote:My DH melted down when I asked him to plan our anniversary dinner. Pick a place, make a reservation, book a sitter. He looked like was going to cry. I do not understand how a 43 year old man gets to this point. I mean I do, I’ve been here, but it is unreal to me.

They really are like children. I think I was like a lot of women and I thought when we had an actual child, he would naturally mature. That’s what I did. I had several immature habits and when we had a kid I slowly shaped up because I wanted to create a good environment for our child and because I felt the pressure of responsibility and wanted to rise to the occasion.

My DH just whined and complained. I just can’t describe how unattractive it is. He just wants to do the bare minimum for everything — parenting, our home, his job, our relationship, our social life. If I want anything more than just meegerly scraping by I have to do it myself. I have found myself fantasizing about being a single mom lately. I’m more ambitious and harder working than he is. I think I could have a pretty nice life on my own. But I want to make our family work for our kid— I think she’s better off with an intact family and a father who is present every day, especially since we don’t fight. But yes, I feel like this man holds me back from a better, bigger life. He is just so, so lazy, and borderline incompetent.

Anonymous wrote:Since OP started this thread, shes gone on the vacation, had a terrible time, divorced her husband, remarried, and had three more kids.

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Anonymous wrote:The biggest issue jumping out from your post is that you don't want to go on vacation with your husband, for many reasons, and the thought of having alone time and sex with him gives you anxiety. That is a massive red flag. Not sure if you realize how that sounds, but to me I can't see your marriage lasting much longer.

He is totally in the wrong on not planning the vacation, and you need to discuss this. But you bedroom was dead before this.

I would tell him all of this, the anxiety, the fear of being intimate. You might as well unpack it. Hopefully you will be able to offer solutions as to what you need to feel loved and valued in the marriage and he can do the same.

I doubt the bedroom was dead to a fully engaged, loving man who planned vacations.

It has been 15 years and he has NEVER planned a vacation. I can't even imagine how many other things he does not do.

OP, Can your husband order Chinese carryout or do you have to do that too?

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Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

Fixed the ending....

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and find someone who is not a child, who can plan a trip for your anniversary and you would love to go on trips with.

Except it's wrong. He should have taken more initiative...sure. But being in a sexless marriage with no connection to his wife, where is the motivation? She's checked out, stop stringing the poor guy along and let him go be with someone who wants to be with him.

Which came first the chicken or the egg. Most likely the man child came first. Who wants sex with a man child? It's gross and unattractive.

+1

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

Fixed the ending....

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and find someone who is not a child, who can plan a trip for your anniversary and you would love to go on trips with.

Except it's wrong. He should have taken more initiative...sure. But being in a sexless marriage with no connection to his wife, where is the motivation? She's checked out, stop stringing the poor guy along and let him go be with someone who wants to be with him.

Which came first the chicken or the egg. Most likely the man child came first. Who wants sex with a man child? It's gross and unattractive.

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't your husband sit down with you as you're on the computer booking a trip so he knows how to plan a future trip, so he can see all the details and logistics involved, and see all (or limiting) options

Teach a man to fish....and all that

For now, is there a compromise - can you just do a long 3day weekend trip within a 2-hr drive or something. You won't be gone long, kid will survive grandma's, and the 2 of you can escape/reset/clear the air, open-up.