OP here. Thanks all. I will rate his handling of this situation a 5 or 6 out of 10. He has on the positive side (1) gone to emergency couples counseling; (2) agreed to personal therapy to address his attachment issues (he is someone who did not marry until his late 40s); (3) he has accepted responsibility when I printed out the phone records/etc; and (4) he has genuinely apologized. He gets demerit points for (1) lying about the affair; (2) covering it up after I got more information; and (3) attacking me for probing.

I will try to move forward and heal and "reset" this relationship and look back knowing I gave this my best shot.

I would set up marriage counseling based on his previous unhappiness. Let it come out there. Continue collecting any evidence, and keep a diary of the sessions. He is gaslight ing the F68g^&: out of you.

You were having sex with him more than many men who are faithful. Boy, he really likes his cake, doesn't he?!

I guess he just gets whatever he wants and you just take whatever sloppy seconds and Thursday he leaves for you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- BINGO. You guys were right and helped me get out of "denial." Confirmed DH was cheating (although before the threats of divorce) with ongoing emotional affair after the physical affair (supposedly) ended.

OP - I also thought you were being clueless but didn't chime in. It sucks that pp were right. Good luck and stay strong.

DiverDown wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........

Um....... This sounds legit. Did you ask for proof/details?

By reconciling with him, she has let him off the hook for cheating (he would owe her more in a VA divorce bc of cheating) . She should have seen a lawyer along with the therapist

Double wrong. You are an idiot.

Reconciliation only occurs if you KNOW he is cheating. If he never admits to it and you don't believe he is cheating, there is no "reconciliation."

Also, VA law gives NOTHING more in a divorce because of cheating. It *CAN* be considered for splitting some assets, but maybe you get 2%-5% more or the item desired by both parties. VA law does deny the cheater from receiving support, but that wouldn't apply from what you are saying.

Again, stop giving false information. You are ignorant.

I'm sorry OP.

Even when all the signs are there it's still really hard to confront the reality that someone we love has broken trust.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you take care of yourself. (Hugs)

Dang, OP! I'm so sorry to hear your update. Sending you strength and virtual hugs.

OP here- BINGO. You guys were right and helped me get out of "denial." Confirmed DH was cheating (although before the threats of divorce) with ongoing emotional affair after the physical affair (supposedly) ended.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........

Yeah, your husband is a cheater.

This. And I'm sorry but you should not have believed your husband when he said this man was making it up.

Your husband and AP are now broken up which is why divorce is off the table for him.

If it were me I would be out of there so fast.

OP - You wrote that questions related to his faithfulness were raised by two third-parties. One was some other woman's husband. Who was the other one? If multiple people are raising the issue, it is not a good sign.

Please- just sit with him in a quiet time and open the discussion on why he asked for the divorce. Let him talk. If he refuses tell him you need to know where he stands - staying or going...do you want him to stay?

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Appreciate the inferences of stupidity on my behalf, albeit off-topic. I wasn't asking for your appraisal of my IQ, but rather whether it is productive to ruminate upon the past or move on. Things are good now. Threat of divorce was 6 months ago. Communication from husband of alleged AP was just days ago, and I have reasons to discredit veracity. Things arrest' always as they seem and I'm not going to jump to conclusions. But appreciate the consensus that I am too dumb to function. OF course that is really helpful.

Op you don't need a man to be happy. Hopefully you don't have codependency issues. If you do you need to work on you self-esteem. You need to tell yourself while facing a mirror, I'm worth it and deserve to be with a man that respects me not a cheater. You are trying to put a bandaid on a broken balloon. Your marrage is over. He knows you are naive, he WILL find another ap in the meantime you are available for free sex. If you are a SAHM please start looking for a job, if you are a wohm start saving some cash separately.

I don't think your stupid. I think you probably believe in marriage and assumed your husband was the same. I don't think you should forget about it, though. How do you know he won't do it again and this next one, leave you? Or blame you without real self-reflection? I would feel very uneasy if I was you, kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Can you contact the husband of the other person and see if he had evidence? I would hear him out and not dismiss it out of hand. My husband had an affair a year ago and I still contemplate telling the OW's husband just because it seems unfair if he doesn't know - unfair to him, that is. I haven't done it because I don't need any more drama and I think he knows anyway. But a time lapse doesn't necessarily mean it's not true.

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I got a message from the husband of a woman telling me my DH was having an affair and that my DH is a liar and a cheat.....but my DH told me the man was just psycho/making it up and that he hadn't had contact with the man's wife.........

And do you really believe your husband? If so you're in denial.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Appreciate the inferences of stupidity on my behalf, albeit off-topic. I wasn't asking for your appraisal of my IQ, but rather whether it is productive to ruminate upon the past or move on. Things are good now. Threat of divorce was 6 months ago. Communication from husband of alleged AP was just days ago, and I have reasons to discredit veracity. Things arrest' always as they seem and I'm not going to jump to conclusions. But appreciate the consensus that I am too dumb to function. OF course that is really helpful.

Don't shoot the messenger. The issue here is obvious.

That sound have been 17:25 has a "good" point..