Anonymous wrote:Aside from a mental illness, as we age that which we foster the most increases and dominates.

+1. Best answer so far.

As we age, character traits that seemed mild or insignificant can become dominant.

The young fashionista becomes plastic-surgery addled, appearance-obsessed in middle age.

The man who was "macho" (like OP's husband) when young becomes a crude, misogynistic 50 year-old.

It's not inevitable, but it certainly happens--usually to those (a) with self-esteem issues, or (b) who are fundamentally disappointed in the course of their lives. The character trait becomes a sort of defense/denial mechanism.

Unfortunately, it often only gets worse as people age further.

OP, if you were my friend or family member, I would be really concerned for your safety. Your husband's comments in the abstract are troubling, particularly his comment about how the country has gone down hill since it became illegal for men to beat their wives. Has he ever hit you before? Has he ever threatened to?

Anonymous wrote:For those advising you to record him, please look at the consent laws in your jurisdiction. I think VA and DC require one-party consent to the recording, but Maryland requires that all parties consent. I have no idea if the fact that you are married and in the same household changes this.

Get a camera for "security," like a nest. Make it a mutual decision. Then leave it on facing the door in the kitchen all the time or something. Anything it captures should be good to use.

If he's that racist/angry, he probably worries about the house being robbed and will easily agree.

Aside from a mental illness, as we age that which we foster the most increases and dominates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he always a hateful jerk and it's only becoming more obvious now or is this totally new behavior?

This is very important to figure out. If it is sudden change in behaviour, could be medical issue is behind this (early onset Alzheimers. etc.) Not the best scenario either, just a thought...

+1 this happened with my grandmother and we thought she was just getting old and losing her filter. She had an aneurysm.

For those advising you to record him, please look at the consent laws in your jurisdiction. I think VA and DC require one-party consent to the recording, but Maryland requires that all parties consent. I have no idea if the fact that you are married and in the same household changes this.

I dipped into the Men's Rights social media briefly. I was looking for solutions for our barely existent sex life. It's full of misogyny & racism. I started buying into it a little bit. But then the misogyny & racism started looking cartoonishly over the top. So I backed away. But I can see how the progression might work.

Anonymous wrote:Um, are you sure he doesn't have a brain tumor? I'm being serious. This is really strange behavior if it's new for him.

I'd start recording him for the future divorce and child custody hearings.

I had this thought too. It's very odd, extreme behavior. Most people have a filter, no matter what their beliefs. What you describe, especially if it's recent, is alarming - I would rule out brain tumor, or other neurological issue causing dementia or asocial behavior.

Jeez, listen to yourselves. Only angry people own guns? Must be a Trump supporter?

First off, I'm a hunter and own a couple of hunting rifles, shotgun and three handguns - one of which is an heirloom my grandfather pulled off a dead Nazi in WWII. I'm not angry, farthest thug from it. While Indint support Trump, I know plenty who do and they're not angry either. Alt-right twitterverse? Do you even know what that means? My guess, you're spouting off nonsense from the latest Hillary rant against some clowns on the Internet.

Since most of this advice hasn't been helpful, I'll offer w male perspective.

1. Is he a veteran? I've seen this behavior with PTSD sufferers. I've seen it firsthand as people will switch personalities and sometimes it can take a little while to bubble up. The VA's answer is to medicate these folks with what we like to call "don't give a f*ck pills". They don't bother to get to the root of the issue, they just medicate and then medicate for the reaction you get from the first dose of medication - yay government run healthcare. I've have friends on pills to mellow them out and then they have to take Viagra because they first medication gives them ED. The reason I ask is from personal experience, I've seen this quite a few times with these guys and sometimes their ire is directed towards minorities or other races. Even though they served with people of many different races, for some reason this is a scapegoat. And this was happening before Trump got here so you can't blame him. The only way this is fixed is through therapy.

2. If he isn't, then I'm willing to bet there is some perceived wrong against him that was perpetrated by a person of color. Instead of seeing the person as the bad one, he's painted a broad brush against an entire race for this perceived wrongdoing and is instead blaming an entire group. Was he assaulted or did something happen to a family member of his? This is also a mild case of PTSD in its own right although very different. Finding the root of the issue with a licensed therapist is really the only way to solve the issue.

Give him and ultimatum. Seek help to see what's causing your issue or you're leaving. And be prepared to follow through.

Of course there's a chance he's just a racist asshole. There are people like that and few will probably ever change although it's happened. But I don't think that's the case if this behavior is a new thing. I've listen to Stern and he's certainly not a racist. Crude perhaps, but most men find that humor funny to some degree, and for women who think their men never would, you're being naive.

He likely is too set in his ignorant ways to change now.

Either a). Accept that you cannot change him and learn to live with him status quo.

Or:
B). Give him a full ultimatum ------>
One more ignorant comment, then you're out of this marriage.
He can go hang out with his hero Trump instead.

Does he have a history of depression? He could have bipolar. Manic episodes can manifest as anger and last for years.

Um, are you sure he doesn't have a brain tumor? I'm being serious. This is really strange behavior if it's new for him.

I'd start recording him for the future divorce and child custody hearings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he always a hateful jerk and it's only becoming more obvious now or is this totally new behavior?

This is very important to figure out. If it is sudden change in behaviour, could be medical issue is behind this (early onset Alzheimers. etc.) Not the best scenario either, just a thought...

+1

OP do you have a boy or a girl?

I know you say you don't want to divorce him, but the eat thing you can do right now is start documenting this behavior. See a lawyer and ask about a strategy for getting full custody. Start planning and get your ducks in a row so that if you ever need to leave you'll be ready.

In addition to the above is also try the following: whenever he goes off on a rant pull out your iPhone and start recording him very visibly so he can see you. If he reminisces about the good old days when men could beat their wives ask point blank "I'm your wife do you want to beat me?" See what he says. When he is in a calmer mood play this video for him and say it makes you very sad - say you miss the man you married. Maybe himself behaving so terribly will be a wake up call. Maybe he'll just get annoyed at having a phone recording his tantrums and he'll tone it down around you. For this to work you have to be consistent - and you have to be fairly sure he wouldn't hit you...