I married guy with a lot of your bf's qualities and I couldn't care less because I love him so much. I had a bf who was a "better fit" on paper but had that feeling too and broke up with him. Trust your gut.

OP, maybe you aren't ready to make a decision yet either way. Can you tell your BF that you aren't ready to move toward engagement, to take the pressure off, and then over time talk about some of your concerns?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - now, when I've committed to breaking up with him, I still have a terrible gut feeling saying, "don't do it! you love him!" A huge sense of relief washes over me when I decide to not end it after all.

How can my gut be telling me such different things - and which one do I listen to?

You can love someone and not be able to live with them/work out long-term. Marriage is more than just being in love. The way you reconcile heart and gut is that you realize you will hurt the person more in the long run if you stick around knowing it's not right. You delay both of you having the chance to find the person that is more compatible that you can both love and live with long term.

True, pp.

But what if the OP is the problem? What if she's one of those people who can never be satisfied long term? We all know people like this.

I think we can sort people into two boxes when it comes to relationships: those who crave stability, and those who crave excitement. Those who crave stability are cut out for commitment and long term relationships. Those who crave excitement cut and run (or simply cheat) when things settle into a comfortable routine.

Try to imagine how you will feel if you are single a year from now: relieved or sad because you aren't with him? How will you feel when you hear he's getting married or having a baby if you are single: relieved and happy for him, or sad?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - now, when I've committed to breaking up with him, I still have a terrible gut feeling saying, "don't do it! you love him!" A huge sense of relief washes over me when I decide to not end it after all.

How can my gut be telling me such different things - and which one do I listen to?

You can love someone and not be able to live with them/work out long-term. Marriage is more than just being in love. The way you reconcile heart and gut is that you realize you will hurt the person more in the long run if you stick around knowing it's not right. You delay both of you having the chance to find the person that is more compatible that you can both love and live with long term.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - now, when I've committed to breaking up with him, I still have a terrible gut feeling saying, "don't do it! you love him!" A huge sense of relief washes over me when I decide to not end it after all.

How can my gut be telling me such different things - and which one do I listen to?

DO you love him, OP? Or are you just comforted by him? Maybe you're just scared of the future?

I think he sounds great, but there needs to be some basic level of "ooh la la." It doesn't have to be earth shattering, but you are not signing up for another brother. You are signing up for marriage. You need to admire this guy in a gut way and be attracted to him. If not, you must pass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8;14 - "reliable" men are awesome. We love it when guys can hold down a job and call us when they say we will and show up on time. But if they call us at exactly 8:20 every night and won't vary it no matter the circumstances, or only show up on time to take us to the same three restaurants that fit their weird restrictive food habits, that's something other than reliable.

Reliable men ARE awesome. Thank you, all you reliable men out there. I salute you.

OP should still listen to her gut, because this reliable man isn't for her.

Hehe +1! Love the way you put that.

OP here - now, when I've committed to breaking up with him, I still have a terrible gut feeling saying, "don't do it! you love him!" A huge sense of relief washes over me when I decide to not end it after all.

How can my gut be telling me such different things - and which one do I listen to?

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right he is way to predictable. Better you go out and marry a bisexual high school dropout drug addict to get some excitement in your life.

This is one reason I've stayed with him despite the gut feeling - better to have a man who doesn't drink or hang out with friends than to wind up with someone who cheats on me or becomes an alcoholic. But it has been helpful to hear posters saying that maybe I can find someone who is both upbeat/fun AND a good person. That is my goal. But all I know is that getting to that goal is going to be a tough journey, starting with a break up I don't want to go through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To 8:14 PP-- it's not about hating reliable men.

Look at what OP wrote. Specifically, he doesn't like people. A relationship with someone like this could be isolating. Family gatherings, get togethers with friends, finding community, all will either be on her or worse yet, inaccessible to their nuclear family.

I can picture the threads from a wife of this guy:

--DH won't go to family wedding
--DH was anti social on our vacation
-DH doesn't want my best friend to come help me after the baby is born
--I miss going out with friends

She said he won't alter his schedule. Five years out:

-- DH won't do daycare drop off
--DH won't do night feedings and gets mad when I ask for help at night
--DH wont give up Saturday basketball. Leaves kids with me.

The fact that he's "reliable" when he has no family responsibilities is meaningless if he's inflexible.

OP has the good sense to realize that building a life with this guy is not the same as dating him.

Trust your gut, OP. This guy is not going to be a good fit.

OP here: thank you for articulating this. Some of the things you mentioned, like not going to a family wedding, are things I've already encountered.

I feel literally sick to my stomach thinking I should probably break up with him tomorrow night. He will likely cut off all contact with me. I would be losing my best friend.

I'm the PP you're responding to. That sounds really difficult. Just because something is the right decision doesn't mean it won't hurt or that it will be easy. You understand that.

Your prediction that he'll cut off all contact would seem to support your decision to go. Of course not everyone can stay close after a painful breakup, but this man sounds like he's my way or the highway.

I get that he's a huge part of your life and this will be a big change. That said, I believe that in time, as you branch out and spend time with friends again, he won't seem like a best friend, and you'll be grateful to have friends who know about give and take.

I know what kind of friend I want to be -- someone who will pick you up at the airport at midnight because I want to save you trouble. Someone who will do your favorite activity even if I don't think I'll like it. A fun travel partner who will try new things. Someone who is open to different ways of doing things if that is what the other friend needs.

You need friends like that and eventually a partner like that.

You need a partner who feels lucky to make those compromises for you because you're worth it.

Good luck. You're very young and every experience helps you learn more about what you need.

Yeah, OP - do it now. I married the best guy on paper. We were divorced within a year. I should've listened to my gut prior to the wedding, but once that mayhem starts it's hard to stop. It was much, much, MUCH harder going through a divorce than it would have been to just break up with him.

2 years later, I met the right guy and my heart/head/gut just knew it. You will find the right person some day and so will your (soon to be) ex.

OP, you are right he is way to predictable. Better you go out and marry a bisexual high school dropout drug addict to get some excitement in your life.

trust your gut OP and break it off. You are young and will find someone else. You do not want to be with someone this rigid. Imagaine what a hard ass he could be as a dad. Its time to be a grown up. You just be honest and tell him that you think the relatioship isnt going anywhere for you and that you are too young to make decisions about marriage now.
And trust me, when you have a kid your life becomes nothing but mildly controlled chaos and spontenanity. THis man will be miserable to coparent with.

Anonymous wrote:To 8:14 PP-- it's not about hating reliable men.

Look at what OP wrote. Specifically, he doesn't like people. A relationship with someone like this could be isolating. Family gatherings, get togethers with friends, finding community, all will either be on her or worse yet, inaccessible to their nuclear family.

I can picture the threads from a wife of this guy:

--DH won't go to family wedding
--DH was anti social on our vacation
-DH doesn't want my best friend to come help me after the baby is born
--I miss going out with friends

She said he won't alter his schedule. Five years out:

-- DH won't do daycare drop off
--DH won't do night feedings and gets mad when I ask for help at night
--DH wont give up Saturday basketball. Leaves kids with me.

The fact that he's "reliable" when he has no family responsibilities is meaningless if he's inflexible.

OP has the good sense to realize that building a life with this guy is not the same as dating him.

Trust your gut, OP. This guy is not going to be a good fit.

OP here: thank you for articulating this. Some of the things you mentioned, like not going to a family wedding, are things I've already encountered.

I feel literally sick to my stomach thinking I should probably break up with him tomorrow night. He will likely cut off all contact with me. I would be losing my best friend.

Anonymous wrote:8;14 - "reliable" men are awesome. We love it when guys can hold down a job and call us when they say we will and show up on time. But if they call us at exactly 8:20 every night and won't vary it no matter the circumstances, or only show up on time to take us to the same three restaurants that fit their weird restrictive food habits, that's something other than reliable.

Reliable men ARE awesome. Thank you, all you reliable men out there. I salute you.

OP should still listen to her gut, because this reliable man isn't for her.

Anonymous wrote:A good guy doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.

Finding the right person to marry is a mixture of head and heart. There were plenty of guys I dated that my heart wanted me to marry, but my head realized they weren't right for me. It's harder when it's the other way around; head says yes, heart says no.

The right guy for you, the head and heart will say YES. Not because that guy is perfect, but he'll be perfect for you.

+1