Anonymous wrote:I think you've gotten a lot of feedback about how to discipline at the swimming pool and certainly your request to leave that scenario should be honored.

I think that given the fact that your son has both processing and ADHD issues you give far too much verbiage, scripting, and framing to discipline and what I will call "behavior management" -- name calling, impulse control.

When a child with processing issues and ADHD (who has a limited attention span) gets an introduction to discipline or an introduction to your reaction to his behavior like "I know that you are upset but you have to choose a better way to express that." And then presumably you script or model the better way. And then only thirdly, do you approach the fact that he's done something that is not acceptable and what that unacceptable thing is and what the consequence might be, if you know.

Your child has left the room mentally after Point 1, and has not processed either your script or the fact that he's done something wrong, and it sounds like you don't even know the consequence. You've got to stop giving speeches to him. You are not helping him. Your message to him has to be as simple as "Stop. You are breaking the rules." (You have a list of very simple rules posted in your house, right? Like no name calling? Or "In this family, we call each other Mom, Dad, Larla, Larlette.")

Stop explaining all the time. It doesn't help him. It makes you feel like a good understanding mom, but it really doesn't help him at all. A kid with processing issues and ADHD needs immediate feedback.

Special Needs Mom.

+1 mill. Best reply on the thread. He is not processing all the steps you are going through. At this point and at this age, the whole "I see you are frustrated/angry/emotional" spiel isn't necessary. Just skip to the meat.

As for him randomly saying the phrase, if he's not angry and you can have a conversation, just ask him casually why he's doing it (in case it's like what po said, he thinks it means something different than it does). But really, the end result is the same-he needs to be punished just as if he were doing it out of anger (which I am sure you are doing!). If you are going to chalk it up to ADHD impulsivity in lieu of him being able to give you a real reason, then at a calm time I would set the new rules: it's hurtful, he knows it's not ok, and WHENEVER he does it there will be consequences. But if he can make it through the day (or however long a time period you think is appropriate, you'll be really proud of him, and he can choose from one of your usual rewards that you have set up through the positive parenting you already do. In our house, some rewards are an extra story or additional 15 min of quiet play before lights out, extra 10 min of iPad games, they get to pick what they want for dinner (w/in reason-pizza is fine, cake is not!).

Good luck. I can imagine how frustrating this is, but I hope if you tweak your approach as this poster said and combine it with positive rewards when he's good, it will get better. Keep on fighting the good fight of parenting!!

Anonymous wrote:I think you've gotten a lot of feedback about how to discipline at the swimming pool and certainly your request to leave that scenario should be honored.

I think that given the fact that your son has both processing and ADHD issues you give far too much verbiage, scripting, and framing to discipline and what I will call "behavior management" -- name calling, impulse control.

When a child with processing issues and ADHD (who has a limited attention span) gets an introduction to discipline or an introduction to your reaction to his behavior like "I know that you are upset but you have to choose a better way to express that." And then presumably you script or model the better way. And then only thirdly, do you approach the fact that he's done something that is not acceptable and what that unacceptable thing is and what the consequence might be, if you know.

Your child has left the room mentally after Point 1, and has not processed either your script or the fact that he's done something wrong, and it sounds like you don't even know the consequence. You've got to stop giving speeches to him. You are not helping him. Your message to him has to be as simple as "Stop. You are breaking the rules." (You have a list of very simple rules posted in your house, right? Like no name calling? Or "In this family, we call each other Mom, Dad, Larla, Larlette.")

Stop explaining all the time. It doesn't help him. It makes you feel like a good understanding mom, but it really doesn't help him at all. A kid with processing issues and ADHD needs immediate feedback.

Special Needs Mom.

+1 to all of this.

And by the way, give him tons of positive feedback for following the rules. Catch him being good.

I think you've gotten a lot of feedback about how to discipline at the swimming pool and certainly your request to leave that scenario should be honored.

I think that given the fact that your son has both processing and ADHD issues you give far too much verbiage, scripting, and framing to discipline and what I will call "behavior management" -- name calling, impulse control.

When a child with processing issues and ADHD (who has a limited attention span) gets an introduction to discipline or an introduction to your reaction to his behavior like "I know that you are upset but you have to choose a better way to express that." And then presumably you script or model the better way. And then only thirdly, do you approach the fact that he's done something that is not acceptable and what that unacceptable thing is and what the consequence might be, if you know.

Your child has left the room mentally after Point 1, and has not processed either your script or the fact that he's done something wrong, and it sounds like you don't even know the consequence. You've got to stop giving speeches to him. You are not helping him. Your message to him has to be as simple as "Stop. You are breaking the rules." (You have a list of very simple rules posted in your house, right? Like no name calling? Or "In this family, we call each other Mom, Dad, Larla, Larlette.")

Stop explaining all the time. It doesn't help him. It makes you feel like a good understanding mom, but it really doesn't help him at all. A kid with processing issues and ADHD needs immediate feedback.

Special Needs Mom.

OP, I have ADHD and my parents certainly punished me when I misbehaved. I had things taken away and privileges were revoked. It was probably the only thing that prevented me from escalating the misbehavior. Our relationship is close and undamaged.

On a similar note I fear for when this generation of kids with and without diagnoses grows up and becomes employed. They will have been conditioned to only expect praise and won't know how to handle things like hard deadlines and performance reviews that are anything less than stellar. They are so used to adults making accommodations and excuses for them. Yes, if you have ADHD the road might be tougher, but it doesn't mean the expectations should be any different and your job as a parent is to prepare them for their future.

From the OP's description now it sounds more like coprolalia than misbehavior... And that is a totally different story..

Op - does your DS understand what he's saying?
My DS says things, but thinks it means something different.
"Stupid" is one of those words. I was upset when we had a similar scenario as you described and it took me awhile to figure it out, but to DS "stupid" was synonymous with the "silly".

*DCUM

Anonymous wrote:I'd be inclined to wash his mouth with soap. If behavior mod isn't working, it isn't. Sometimes a direct approach works wonders. It certainly worked for me as a child when I called my mother a name. I didn't try it again.

Oh, please. If 99 percent of the bitches on this thread walked into the pool locker room and saw you forcing soap in your kid's mouth, they would call the cops in a minute to haul you out of there.

And then they would jump on DCHM to pat themselves on the back.

Sorry in advance, most likely does not apply here but any other Tourette-like symptoms?

What would you do if he taunted another person that way? Ask them to ignore and move away from him? Hell no and neither should you! I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he is rude and you won't stand for it. At the pool we'd be out the gate so fast his head would spin - at home he'd be marched off away from me since he can't be trusted to behave appropriately

Why are so many parents so afraid to correct children with any degree of firmness?! You're job is not to coddle him; your job is to train him to be a civil human being!

I'd be inclined to wash his mouth with soap. If behavior mod isn't working, it isn't. Sometimes a direct approach works wonders. It certainly worked for me as a child when I called my mother a name. I didn't try it again.

OP here. Several of you are preoccupied with the swimming pool scenario. My question is not, how do I deal with misbehavior at the swimming pool. My question is have you ever dealt with name-calling that randomly happens in an unprovoked situation? I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they know why it is happening and if they had a good strategy to deal with this very specific thing.

When he calls me names in response to me saying or doing something he does not like I deal with it effectively. Yes, I validate his feelings and give him a script for appropriate language to express disappointment. "You are not allowed to call me names, it is okay to be angry about it but there's a better way to say it." And then I follow through on whatever it was he didn't like or want and if he is in public we leave immediately and if we are home he needs to go to another room alone. I don't give in and I am the parent. geez people!

I am telling you the swimming pool story as an example of the many times when we are out having fun and out of the blue he starts yelling "stupid mommy."

I admit I allowed the swimming pool discussion to get into the weeds because I was quite surprised at the suggestion that I haul him or drag him out of the pool and that anything less than that would prove me to be a poor/weak parent. It would be unacceptable to me to physically haul or drag a 6 year old out of a pool. In reality what happened was that I disengaged, got out of the pool and said we were leaving. He continued his obnoxious rant for a bit more while I gathered our things, he got out and we immediately left. I am not going to stand at the edge of the pool and yell at him to stop nor am I going to drag him out of the pool and create a big spectacle. Isn't that just giving him the attention he seeks? Who does that? I would be shocked to see a parent do that.

I mentioned the ADHD not to blame it or gain sympathy, (and yes we have a formal diagnosis), but to explain that we have been told by professionals that punitive punishment that is unrelated to the "crime" is ineffective especially on children with ADHD and ultimately serves to damage the relationship between parent and child. We have received extensive therapy from professionals who have guided us to parent by encouraging the positive behaviors and ignoring the negative behaviors as much as possible.

So my basic approach has been to ignore this annoying/ obnoxious behavior but it has been going on for several weeks, probably most of the summer and it is of course really bugging me. Just to be clear if he calls someone else a name I absolutely do not ignore it. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation where the child starts misbehaving out of the blue for unknown reasons and if you figured out the reason and/ or a good approach.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

I have a 7 YO with challenging behavior, and he knows that rules are different at the pool than other places because the pool can be dangerous. He knows that if I have to ask him more than twice to exit the pool we will not be going back to the pool for at least a month. He knows that if he doesn't listen to me at the pool we immediately go home. I go over this in the car on the way to the pool, and generally he's able to manage his behavior there.

You don't have to physically remove your kid from the pool, but saying "If you're not out of the pool in the next minute we won't be back at the pool for the rest of the month" is a pretty good incentive.

Some posters here just sound mean.

Ok, first, in our house, things can be described as "stupid" but not people. So I tell my 6 yo DS a choice can be stupid, but not your mom or brother.

This might help depersonalize the situation, as you really don't want a child insulting you or anyone else around.

Second, you need a natural consequence for this. When my DC hurt my feelings, I expect an apology and I explain that I would like some time by myself without the insulter. In our house this second thing is what usually gets the DS to shape up. Kids can't go very long before they need your help. This is usually when I explain that my feelings are hurt and people don't enjoy being around someone who insults them.