Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:59     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:OP here. There's always someone who "doesn't care" how abusive a mother has been. Decent people do care. Child abuse and abuse of adult family members is not ok. Serious emotional abuse of a grandchild is not ok. If a family member treated not only you but your children badly, I hope you'd have the sense to protect them and yourself.

I asked no one to lie. All I asked my cousin was not to disclose that I was going. She was always welcome to tell any relative that she was going or that other cousins were. My own plans were not hers to disclose. But if you really thinks that's an outrageous expectation, the fact is that she agreed to this condition, I made my plans accordingly, then she broke her promise.

It's not reasonable or kind for me to go on vacation and then stand at the ready to leave, hailing my child off on an instant if things go south.

As for why this is different from home -- we have a system of safeguards here that we've figured out and that work for us. We also didn't want drama for other cousins and their kids if this person shows up. I don't know why it's hard to understand that I don't want other people to have to deal with her insanity on their hard-earned vacations.



OP, I understand your predicament, I really do. What I don't understand (and maybe because you'd like to keep the details of your mother's behavior private) is why you still can't go on vacation? Here's my thinking:

- Your mother thinks you're going now. She's going to show up whether or not you are there (will she even believe that you cancelled because of her? And if she does believe it, can't you tell everyone you cancelled and show up anyway?)
- If your mother shows up anyway, your cousins are going to be subjected to her insanity anyway - whether you're there or not.

- Another point. You are renting the house - you have the right to kick her out if she starts acting up. And if all your cousins are there witnessing her behavior I can't imagine they'd let her continue that behavior (if they are normal like you). It could be a matter of a few hours of crazy, all the cousins see the crazy and back you up when you tell your mother to leave or you're calling the police. (all while a designated cousin keeps the kids out of ear/eye shot)
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:45     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm just wondering how you expected the cousin to lie to your mom, not tell her where they are for a week, etc.

Maybe because I'm in an estranged family situation myself, but I'm not going to lie to one family member because someone else asks me to.

Obviously she should have told you (like I do), "no, I can't keep my vacation a secret. I talk to Aunt Jenni a lot, and we share a lot of pictures, I'm just not comfortable lying about my whereabouts for a week and having the kids lie too. I'm sorry"

If they are FB friends and have kids that talk too, and hang out, it's really not likely without lying. I always ask in small talk "so are you going anywhere this summer?" Or "have you been to the beach", and from my perspective just wouldn't be able to lie like that.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you can't hang out with this group if it needs to be secret.
You have my empathy!


This is such bizarre response to me. OP has had to have her mom hauled off by police because of the threat she poses to OP's family, yet you think "lying" about OP's whereabouts is morally repugnant? I think protecting OP's family far outweighs the cousin's desire to share information with the dangerous mom.


That's not anything close to what I said.

OP says that her cousin doesn't believe her, and still talks to her mom.
Therefore, it was really a bad idea in the first place to think the cousin was going to keep a secret.

Stop looking for a fight. I specifically said I'm in a similar dynamic and had complete empathy for OP. My point was that going forward this cousin can't be trusted to keep a secret of where they are for a week. I'm in a similar situation and can't just lie to everyone about what I'm doing or where I'm going even though I'm asked, too. So I get it.


PP You got called out.


By someone with a 5th grade reading comprehension. It's fine, really.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:29     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
At this point I just have to give up on having a family vacation with anyone and I've got to drop this cousin. If she can't honor an explicit promise not to tell my mother, she isn't someone I can safely have in my life.


This sounds right. Sorry about your vacation (and your mother).


Agree. My mom isn't a problem in my family but some of my cousins and uncles are (outright criminals, child abusers, etc). Sadly, my mother's parents and one of other her siblings would not respect her wishes when it came to keeping those people out of our lives so my mom had to limit contact with her parents to keep us safe. Her parents have long since passed but the sibling that wouldn't accept my mom's boundaries still holds it against my mother and tries to guilt us kids into having a relationship with these people. So now the next generation is having to limit contact as well. Outside of facebook, contact is very very rare.

Some people think being a family means letting people do whatever the hell they want to you, even committing crimes, and you just have to take it. A lot of those people are also the ones that aren't/weren't bearing the brunt of the abusive and/or criminal behavior. In the case of my mother's sibling, it's the youngest sibling so she was the baby and never received any of the awful treatment my mother was subjected to and was trying to protect us from. In your case, it's a cousin that never had the behavior turned on them so they think you should just take it in the name of "family."



+1

Eff that, OP. Are you able to do two nights at a "nearby" beach, instead - that the kids would enjoy? OC or Delaware, perhaps? Sorry you are going through this.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:26     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:OP here. There's always someone who "doesn't care" how abusive a mother has been. Decent people do care. Child abuse and abuse of adult family members is not ok. Serious emotional abuse of a grandchild is not ok. If a family member treated not only you but your children badly, I hope you'd have the sense to protect them and yourself.

I asked no one to lie. All I asked my cousin was not to disclose that I was going. She was always welcome to tell any relative that she was going or that other cousins were. My own plans were not hers to disclose. But if you really thinks that's an outrageous expectation, the fact is that she agreed to this condition, I made my plans accordingly, then she broke her promise.

It's not reasonable or kind for me to go on vacation and then stand at the ready to leave, hailing my child off on an instant if things go south.

As for why this is different from home -- we have a system of safeguards here that we've figured out and that work for us. [/b]We also didn't want drama for other cousins and their kids if this person shows up. I don't know why it's hard to understand that I don't want other people to have to deal with her insanity on their hard-earned vacations.[b]


Because perhaps if they saw it with their own eyes they would understand your position better.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:26     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
OP, this is a really sad situation, all the way around.

Why don't you let your family know ASAP that you aren't able to go after all, and is there anybody else they know who can go in your family's place?

It's worth a try, isn't it? Then maybe you can go somewhere with just your family.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:22     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:OP, people are writing you back the nastiest, worst, meanest replies. You are in the right here. Please don't let these nasty posters upset you. Your cousin is wrong.


+1

I'm sure OP probably isn't going to take advice anyway from someone whose idea of good parenting apparently is keeping one's children alive. Sound like some crackerjack parents there.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:17     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how crazy your mother is, she gave you life and you apparently can't forgive her for whatever she has supposedly done wrong. I think it's more painful for a mother to not be able to see her kids than for you to miss out on a vacation.


+1000 We are supposed to honor our parents, after all she obviously was good enough to give birth to you and keep you alive


Would you abuse your kids and expect them to stick around?
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:15     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a restraining order might be a good idea because it could keep her away even in situations like these.

I'm so sorry, OP.


I agree. So sorry!
doodlebug
Post 08/01/2016 15:12     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Jeez people, OP never asked her cousins not to tell anyone THEY were going on vacation or to avoid posting pictures of THEIR family. OP asked that they not mention SHE is going and presumably that would carry over to not posting pictures of HER or her kids on social media. No one should be posting random pictures of people on social media anyway w/o their express consent...as in "is it OK if I post this picture on facebook?" and waiting for a reply of "yes that's fine." If you don't have that express consent, don't do it. Also, OPs plans are not her cousin's plans to share. The cousin shouldn't have assumed it would be OK to share the plans regardless of whether OP asked her not to.

I say OP is under no obligation to pay her share of the house and I stand by my earlier assertion that she group email all the cousins, explain what happened, and let them decide if they want to pay OP's share since OP isnt' going or if they want to cancel altogether. This is on them.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:08     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:OP here. There's always someone who "doesn't care" how abusive a mother has been. Decent people do care. Child abuse and abuse of adult family members is not ok. Serious emotional abuse of a grandchild is not ok. If a family member treated not only you but your children badly, I hope you'd have the sense to protect them and yourself.

I asked no one to lie. All I asked my cousin was not to disclose that I was going. She was always welcome to tell any relative that she was going or that other cousins were. My own plans were not hers to disclose. But if you really thinks that's an outrageous expectation, the fact is that she agreed to this condition, I made my plans accordingly, then she broke her promise.

It's not reasonable or kind for me to go on vacation and then stand at the ready to leave, hailing my child off on an instant if things go south.

As for why this is different from home -- we have a system of safeguards here that we've figured out and that work for us. We also didn't want drama for other cousins and their kids if this person shows up. I don't know why it's hard to understand that I don't want other people to have to deal with her insanity on their hard-earned vacations.


OP, I'm so sorry about your family's behavior and the posters here that think you're somehow to blame. You did nothing wrong and you are making the right choice protecting your child. My mother lived with a lifetime of scorn and verbal attacks from her family for refusing to expose her children to the worst elements of her family. It was so hard on her but I'm forever grateful that she protected us from them.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:06     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how crazy your mother is, she gave you life and you apparently can't forgive her for whatever she has supposedly done wrong. I think it's more painful for a mother to not be able to see her kids than for you to miss out on a vacation.


+1000 We are supposed to honor our parents, after all she obviously was good enough to give birth to you and keep you alive


Giving birth to a person is not carte blanche to attack, harass, and mistreat them as long as you both shall live. Abusive parents don't get a pass just because they are parents.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:05     Subject: Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
OP, people are writing you back the nastiest, worst, meanest replies. You are in the right here. Please don't let these nasty posters upset you. Your cousin is wrong.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 15:03     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
OP here. There's always someone who "doesn't care" how abusive a mother has been. Decent people do care. Child abuse and abuse of adult family members is not ok. Serious emotional abuse of a grandchild is not ok. If a family member treated not only you but your children badly, I hope you'd have the sense to protect them and yourself.

I asked no one to lie. All I asked my cousin was not to disclose that I was going. She was always welcome to tell any relative that she was going or that other cousins were. My own plans were not hers to disclose. But if you really thinks that's an outrageous expectation, the fact is that she agreed to this condition, I made my plans accordingly, then she broke her promise.

It's not reasonable or kind for me to go on vacation and then stand at the ready to leave, hailing my child off on an instant if things go south.

As for why this is different from home -- we have a system of safeguards here that we've figured out and that work for us. We also didn't want drama for other cousins and their kids if this person shows up. I don't know why it's hard to understand that I don't want other people to have to deal with her insanity on their hard-earned vacations.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 14:49     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
I can't believe that so many PPs are horrified that this summer vacay would have to stay off social media. Is it really that hard? I'm a millennial, but JFC I think I could hold off snapchatting and gramming my way through a week at the beach if it kept my family members safe.
Anonymous
Post 08/01/2016 14:43     Subject: Re:Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how crazy your mother is, she gave you life and you apparently can't forgive her for whatever she has supposedly done wrong. I think it's more painful for a mother to not be able to see her kids than for you to miss out on a vacation.


+1000 We are supposed to honor our parents, after all she obviously was good enough to give birth to you and keep you alive


also, if she is already stalking you at home what difference does it make if she does it at the beach too? I know it's not ideal but it should not be enough to keep you from your plans. You have to live your life regardless of her actions, if need be then report it to the authorities.