Anonymous
Post 07/25/2016 10:22     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
I would not tell her. This is such a personal piece of information that the thought of her disregarding your and your child's privacy to blab it all to whomever would listen is making me cringe, hard. Who knows, maybe your child wouldn't care at all about it being public knowledge, but it's her decision whether it should be public, and hers alone. I would lie through my teeth if I cannot trust my mom with something this sensitive.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2016 10:03     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.

I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.


But, if that is the case, you are just plain deceiving her and raising her hopes for nothing. This will not be her only genetic grandchild. You are not protecting her, you are plain laying. Better to tell her now, so she can stop obsessing over genetics and get used to the idea. If she can't, her loss.


OK but straight genetic children are not guaranteed to be clones of the parents either. My DE DS however, does look exactly like his father. But that has nothing to do with grandmother.


+1

My daughter looks exactly like me--strangers at the playground can pick her out from a group as my kid. It would be pretty sad if my MIL had her hopes pinned on having a grandchild who looked like her or her son. No one knows how the genes are going to combine.

I really don't know what I would do in the OP's shoes, mostly because I cannot imagine my mother being anything but delighted to have a grandchild, regardless of how that baby arrived. But really, if I thought someone wasn't going to be supportive, I probably wouldn't tell them.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2016 09:59     Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
DE mom here: I never told my mother, which also meant my father since they shred everything. Dad would have been OK, but mom would have shared with me all the differences between my children and my sibs kids. She is a bit mean.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2016 09:55     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.

I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.


But, if that is the case, you are just plain deceiving her and raising her hopes for nothing. This will not be her only genetic grandchild. You are not protecting her, you are plain laying. Better to tell her now, so she can stop obsessing over genetics and get used to the idea. If she can't, her loss.


OK but straight genetic children are not guaranteed to be clones of the parents either. My DE DS however, does look exactly like his father. But that has nothing to do with grandmother.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2016 09:53     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Just know that, if you don't tell her before birth, it might be uncomfortable when she talks about Grandma's eyes and Mommy's nose and Aunt Janie's dimples. You probably should tell before birth.


Maybe. But FWIW, I was adopted, and my parents and extended family still talk that way. Once the actual baby is here, you kind of forget about all that stuff.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 19:04     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The grandmother didn't make the decision here. She is practically pushed into the role of loving grandmother by her daughters decision. Why do you think men feel uncomfortable using a sperm donor? Why does op have to come to term with using an egg donor? Because it is not natural and very difficult. And you push this coming to term with o to someone who didn't even have a vote.


I know this is hard for "grandma" to believe, but it's NOT ABOUT HER. Grandparent role is not actually necessary. Nice to have, great to have a wonderful grandma. But it is such a secondary role to parent. Grandma doesn't get a vote, regardless of genetic grandchild or not! Take a seat; a BACK seat.


It's not about her so why would op feel the need to lie?
She should know the truth.


She only "deserves to know" whatever OP chooses to tell her. Did you tell your mom THE TRUTH about which position you used to get knocked up?
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 18:45     Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but the whole genetics thing and wanting a child to look like the family is so ridiculous to me. I have a child who is genetically mine and DH's but I can't stand how people obsess over who the child looks like. Honestly she is her own person and I don't care one bit. We had trouble conceiving and were considering adoption and DH was worried that his mother would not treat the child the same since the child would not be the genetic grandchild. He vowed to cut off ties to his mother if she did that. OP, as a mother I can tell you that this will not matter one bit to you once your baby is here. If it's an issue for your mother, that is her loss and problem. It's not about her.

I'm so annoyed with people who assume everybody else is just like them! It may be ridiculous to pp, but it certainly was not to me. I got lucky, but if I couldn't have a genetic child, I was considering donor egg route. You have no clue about what will matter to op and her family. The fact that you don't know this plight doesn't really give you a useful insight into the issue of genetic v. donor.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 18:39     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Kicking it down the road will not help you nor will it help your mother adjust. The sooner she knows the longer she will have to come to terms with it. It will be your child and her grandchild and she will love it. Sadness has a place in our lives and time lets us heal. Give her time to be sad so that she will be ready for the joy of her new grandchild.

This. Tell her. Her sadness is hers to deal with, and she deserves to know before the baby arrives.

Congratulations!
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 14:10     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The grandmother didn't make the decision here. She is practically pushed into the role of loving grandmother by her daughters decision. Why do you think men feel uncomfortable using a sperm donor? Why does op have to come to term with using an egg donor? Because it is not natural and very difficult. And you push this coming to term with o to someone who didn't even have a vote.


I know this is hard for "grandma" to believe, but it's NOT ABOUT HER. Grandparent role is not actually necessary. Nice to have, great to have a wonderful grandma. But it is such a secondary role to parent. Grandma doesn't get a vote, regardless of genetic grandchild or not! Take a seat; a BACK seat.


It's not about her so why would op feel the need to lie?
She should know the truth.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 13:42     Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:I have not read the entire thread but the whole genetics thing and wanting a child to look like the family is so ridiculous to me. I have a child who is genetically mine and DH's but I can't stand how people obsess over who the child looks like. Honestly she is her own person and I don't care one bit. We had trouble conceiving and were considering adoption and DH was worried that his mother would not treat the child the same since the child would not be the genetic grandchild. He vowed to cut off ties to his mother if she did that. OP, as a mother I can tell you that this will not matter one bit to you once your baby is here. If it's an issue for your mother, that is her loss and problem. It's not about her.


Agreed.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 13:35     Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
I have not read the entire thread but the whole genetics thing and wanting a child to look like the family is so ridiculous to me. I have a child who is genetically mine and DH's but I can't stand how people obsess over who the child looks like. Honestly she is her own person and I don't care one bit. We had trouble conceiving and were considering adoption and DH was worried that his mother would not treat the child the same since the child would not be the genetic grandchild. He vowed to cut off ties to his mother if she did that. OP, as a mother I can tell you that this will not matter one bit to you once your baby is here. If it's an issue for your mother, that is her loss and problem. It's not about her.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 13:32     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
It sounds like you and your mom have talked about this a bit already and you don't object to her knowing.

I'd just tell her. It'll be awkward for you, you'll cry, she'll cry, you'll both just really be happy that you're pregnant, and she'll support you. It'll make things easier and more emotionally-level when YOUR baby arrives.

Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 13:22     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
I honestly do not think it's anyone's business. I would just tell her they were mine. It's a personal conversation many years down the road between you and your child.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 13:03     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:The grandmother didn't make the decision here. She is practically pushed into the role of loving grandmother by her daughters decision. Why do you think men feel uncomfortable using a sperm donor? Why does op have to come to term with using an egg donor? Because it is not natural and very difficult. And you push this coming to term with o to someone who didn't even have a vote.


I know this is hard for "grandma" to believe, but it's NOT ABOUT HER. Grandparent role is not actually necessary. Nice to have, great to have a wonderful grandma. But it is such a secondary role to parent. Grandma doesn't get a vote, regardless of genetic grandchild or not! Take a seat; a BACK seat.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2016 12:53     Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Hopefully it's a completely differnt race - that'll really drive your mom up the wall. Lolol