Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 22:30     Subject: Re:What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Hello -did you have my kids in the exact same order. My kids are only 13 and 14 - but I swear - your description is EXACTLY how my kids are/were.

Anonymous wrote:First off I wanted to comment on the "personality from the beginning" thing you mentioned.

I have observed that too. My two kids are 28 and 32 now. When I was pregnant with the first, he was so active I had to stop walking sometimes because he was moving around so much in my belly. By the time he was four, I realized he was very bright, very charming, a worrier, wanted solo time daily, was boingy, etc. Now he is all grown and I still see many personality traits that are the same as when he was in utero and was a preschooler. Same with my second child. She was so quiet in utero that I would go lay down on the bed on my belly to squish her and make sure she was still alive. She is still quiet. Much the same personality now as when she was a preschooler.
He;ll0
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 22:25     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:I'm 45 now but what I remember most was that my parents would always support me. This continues to be true today as I'm in the middle of my divorce. But I've used the "my parents" excuse my times. The time a guy asked me to dance and I said I had to dance with my dad. The time I was winning at the craps table and wanted to walk away with my winnings, I saw my dad across the room and said he was calling me. Mostly it's that I still know my parents are there to support and help me.

Oh and the other lesson that somehow stuck was if you're the kid and you're lost, you stay put and mom will find you. I was 21 and got separated from my mom at a big hotel. I sat down and waited as if I was 5. She found me. In all the years, the rules never changed. Consistency is key.


I thought this was a sweet post. Don't know why other people are saying negative things about it.

Also, I once got lost as an adult and my dad came and rescued me. I was visiting my parents vacation cabin in Big Bear Calif. for the first time. I decided to go for a walk with my 4 year old. Once I decided to head back to my parents cabin, I realized they all looked alike. This was in the pre-cell phone days. Then a sudden storm came up. I was so happy to see my dad drive up! If I only I had stayed put . . . . .
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 19:22     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Middle school.

Go private.


Middle school

Go public.

And I say this as someone who pulled my daughter out of private school.


Middle school is where kids either go forward or backward. For middle school and for most kids that aren't learning disabled or impaired, a disciplined environment with order, coat and tie or uniform ,class ranking and low student/teacher ratio is probably the greatest investment you could ever make in your kids future.


Totally agree. It is fricking expensive & my house is falling apart but I have a different child than when we were in public.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 17:24     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
For me growing up: knowing that my parents always loved us, knowing that they loved each other and that they stayed married and family dinners.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 17:19     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
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Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.


Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"


Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.


It is interesting you say that your kids are happy about their siblings success. I have two teenagers and I think I raised them in the same manner. DD is very happy about brother's success and always roots for him in everything. But DS is always jealous of any of DD's success. We praise them the same. DS is very successfully academically whereas DD not so much. Both successful in sports but neither a phenom. So if you are attributing your parenting to why the kids are happy about siblings success why do you think that did not happen for me? Really curious to hear a theory. It saddened me that DS is not happy for any of sibling's success. Mostly happy for friend's success unless he has some rivalry with kid.


Original poster here.

A lot of how kids turn out is personality driven. Never discount personilty
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 17:13     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
I'm 45 now but what I remember most was that my parents would always support me. This continues to be true today as I'm in the middle of my divorce. But I've used the "my parents" excuse my times. The time a guy asked me to dance and I said I had to dance with my dad. The time I was winning at the craps table and wanted to walk away with my winnings, I saw my dad across the room and said he was calling me. Mostly it's that I still know my parents are there to support and help me.

Oh and the other lesson that somehow stuck was if you're the kid and you're lost, you stay put and mom will find you. I was 21 and got separated from my mom at a big hotel. I sat down and waited as if I was 5. She found me. In all the years, the rules never changed. Consistency is key.



I'm sorry.

But this is just weird.

I say this as a 50 yo only child who is very close to my parents.

just
plain
weird

Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 15:23     Subject: Re:What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:First off I wanted to comment on the "personality from the beginning" thing you mentioned.

I have observed that too. My two kids are 28 and 32 now. When I was pregnant with the first, he was so active I had to stop walking sometimes because he was moving around so much in my belly. By the time he was four, I realized he was very bright, very charming, a worrier, wanted solo time daily, was boingy, etc. Now he is all grown and I still see many personality traits that are the same as when he was in utero and was a preschooler. Same with my second child. She was so quiet in utero that I would go lay down on the bed on my belly to squish her and make sure she was still alive. She is still quiet. Much the same personality now as when she was a preschooler.


I was pretty smug and entirely Team Nurture until my children were born. OMG, they show up with so much of themselves already in place!

DS almost never moved in my belly; DD a total fighter/dancer. And, here they are EXACTLY as they always have been. I think having learned that lesson early on has helped a lot as they've progressed. My parents labelled us pretty firmly, much to our detriment, so I'm on the watch for that. Still, acknowledging who they are has made a huge difference and heavily informs my parenting.

Good to hear this approach pays off. Thanks for posting!
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 14:30     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Children are 19 and 23, doing well. What seem to matter the most is that I mean what I say and I stick by it, attended teachers meetings and check homework so when they went to college they had good study habits. Had them start work as preteens. I take no backtalk and thank god for cellphones because that regulated their behavior really well, one curse word or backtalk of any kind and the phone went dead. They were meant for great things and I remind them often.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 14:27     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.


Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"


Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.


It is interesting you say that your kids are happy about their siblings success. I have two teenagers and I think I raised them in the same manner. DD is very happy about brother's success and always roots for him in everything. But DS is always jealous of any of DD's success. We praise them the same. DS is very successfully academically whereas DD not so much. Both successful in sports but neither a phenom. So if you are attributing your parenting to why the kids are happy about siblings success why do you think that did not happen for me? Really curious to hear a theory. It saddened me that DS is not happy for any of sibling's success. Mostly happy for friend's success unless he has some rivalry with kid.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 11:25     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:I'm 45 now but what I remember most was that my parents would always support me. This continues to be true today as I'm in the middle of my divorce. But I've used the "my parents" excuse my times. The time a guy asked me to dance and I said I had to dance with my dad. The time I was winning at the craps table and wanted to walk away with my winnings, I saw my dad across the room and said he was calling me. Mostly it's that I still know my parents are there to support and help me.

Oh and the other lesson that somehow stuck was if you're the kid and you're lost, you stay put and mom will find you. I was 21 and got separated from my mom at a big hotel. I sat down and waited as if I was 5. She found me. In all the years, the rules never changed. Consistency is key.


Do you have children? What you've written makes you sound unable to make your own decisions--can't just walk away from a gaming table without Dad?

Very strange.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2016 11:08     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Middle school.

Go private.


Middle school

Go public.

And I say this as someone who pulled my daughter out of private school.


Middle school is where kids either go forward or backward. For middle school and for most kids that aren't learning disabled or impaired, a disciplined environment with order, coat and tie or uniform ,class ranking and low student/teacher ratio is probably the greatest investment you could ever make in your kids future.


This would have been an unmitigated disaster for one of my children, who is not learning disabled or in any way impaired. He's in college now and our lack of "investment" seems to have worked out very well.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2016 16:54     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.


Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"


You should read Siblings Without Rivalry - they expressly talk about how important it is to get away from "fair." You give kids what they need. I have an adult friend who has complained that her brother needed a TV, so her parents gave her a TV too - even though she wanted something else. I'm a NP, but it's worked for us.

OP, I think laughing with your kids and being light-hearted (when I could have been angry) has worked well. I have had to make an effort at this, but after 13 years, it's coming more easily.

Anonymous
Post 07/26/2016 16:23     Subject: What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:Yup. Lady who brags about not being fair illustrates that. My dh and i were both the siblings in our families who got the least amounts of parental time and attention and resources while the needy one took and took and took. It sucked. Pat yourself on the back for your enlightened parenting but ignore the costs


Your situation is not what she is talking about. She is talking about everyone getting their needs met in different ways. You clearly did not get your needs met.

My brother got speech therapy when I was a child. Should I complain about not getting it, even though I didn't need it? Fair means everybody gets what they need.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2016 16:17     Subject: Re:What mattered with your kids in the long run?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would say the best thing we did for them is made sure they knew that we rejoiced in their existence at every stage of their lives. That they knew they were loved no matter what kind of dumb stuff they were up to. And that we had their back and home and family would always always be a place where they were safe and loved.

These days they tell us they are amazed at the stuff they can tell us and we still say we love them.

Mama love is powerful love. I realized when my daughter was being a horrible teenager that I still loved her very much, even though she was breaking my heart. And that even if she burned down our entire home town, I would still love her.


Love this have a teenager now how old is she now?


She's 28. Starting at about age 23, she began apologizing occasionally for being so awful as a teen.


I was a horrible teen in terms of not respecting my parents, especially mother. But I realized it by age 25, and we had 10 happy, fairly calm years as adult parent and child before she passed away. As my own children grow, I become even more embarrassed at the way I behaved and I cut my kids a lot of slack, emotionally.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2016 16:13     Subject: Re:What mattered with your kids in the long run?
My kids are 14 and 16, but I think I can answer.

Family dinners

Doing things as a family

Explanations of things at an age appropriate level

Quick with praise (especially for effort) and slow to criticize

Telling them every day that I love them