Anonymous
Post 07/12/2016 13:41     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Anonymous wrote:Er. He probably told the EA partner that you asked him to leave, and she probably freaked. She probably told him she's not interested anymore, and now he has nowhere to go. He probably realized that he can't afford to maintain two separate households, so he isn't interested in leaving anymore. He will probably try to smooth things over to keep the peace, but you'll never be able to trust him again...nor should you.

My two cents: play nice while YOU get your ducks in a row.


Something similar happened to me. SBHX had an affair. I told him to choose between me and her. He picked her and was planning to move out. Then he realized that it wasn't going to be all that easy and "changed his mind". At the time, I felt like you - I wanted to make the marriage work, young kids, etc. Five years later, I'm finally getting out. Only good thing is that I had DD during this time and she's amazing. Otherwise, I'd strongly question his motivation for coming back.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 19:20     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Anonymous wrote:Er. He probably told the EA partner that you asked him to leave, and she probably freaked. She probably told him she's not interested anymore, and now he has nowhere to go. He probably realized that he can't afford to maintain two separate households, so he isn't interested in leaving anymore. He will probably try to smooth things over to keep the peace, but you'll never be able to trust him again...nor should you.

My two cents: play nice while YOU get your ducks in a row.


Is it common that once the partner is free to date the affair partner loses interest?
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 18:59     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Anonymous wrote:OP -- try to go to both individual and couple counseling. Individual will be key --bec is sounds like your spouse will likely try an affair again and you need to be emotional strong enough to show him the door. He will want his cake and eat it too---but you need to not fall apart. Or, you can give him a pass and allow him to have an open marriage. Some women are okay with looking the other way -- too weak to show them the door. So, your choice. But you sound like you'd disintegrate without him and that is not healthy bec he will realize he had the upper hand and always keep you in a position that you accept his bad behavior. Sorry OP.



+1 Yes to counseling, STAT.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 18:50     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Er. He probably told the EA partner that you asked him to leave, and she probably freaked. She probably told him she's not interested anymore, and now he has nowhere to go. He probably realized that he can't afford to maintain two separate households, so he isn't interested in leaving anymore. He will probably try to smooth things over to keep the peace, but you'll never be able to trust him again...nor should you.

My two cents: play nice while YOU get your ducks in a row.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 14:34     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
OP -- try to go to both individual and couple counseling. Individual will be key --bec is sounds like your spouse will likely try an affair again and you need to be emotional strong enough to show him the door. He will want his cake and eat it too---but you need to not fall apart. Or, you can give him a pass and allow him to have an open marriage. Some women are okay with looking the other way -- too weak to show them the door. So, your choice. But you sound like you'd disintegrate without him and that is not healthy bec he will realize he had the upper hand and always keep you in a position that you accept his bad behavior. Sorry OP.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 12:12     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
OP. I probably am co-dependent. Not entirely sure what that means in its entirety - but if you can't be dependent on your spouse, who can you depend on?

We had a fight that did end in me asking him to leave, in anger. it was a sort of "If you don't have the energy to put into this marriage, then you need to leave!" and then he said he was leaving. I didn't want him to leave - I wanted him to want to work on our marriage - but I'm intelligent enough to know that I certainly can't force that.

He might be getting his ducks in a row. I'm not sure what ducks he would need to get in a row, though - he already is the lead on all our finances.

Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 11:32     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
ThatBetch wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He decided to stay, realized his actions were hasty and based on emotion and not necessarily well thought out. We are not out of the woods, but still - I'm happy. I can breathe again. I can get through a day without falling apart.

This is pretty f-ed up. I'm so messed up.


Wait a second...

In your first post, you said you asked him to move out. Now he has "decided to stay"?

You sound really codependent, OP. Do some counseling on your own and learn to be okay with yourself. You'll never been any good in a relationship with anyone until you're okay with you.



+ 1

Also might be getting ducks in a row for an exit. Either way - you need to get your head together
ThatBetch
Post 07/11/2016 11:06     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He decided to stay, realized his actions were hasty and based on emotion and not necessarily well thought out. We are not out of the woods, but still - I'm happy. I can breathe again. I can get through a day without falling apart.

This is pretty f-ed up. I'm so messed up.


Wait a second...

In your first post, you said you asked him to move out. Now he has "decided to stay"?

You sound really codependent, OP. Do some counseling on your own and learn to be okay with yourself. You'll never been any good in a relationship with anyone until you're okay with you.
Anonymous
Post 07/11/2016 10:35     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
OP here. He decided to stay, realized his actions were hasty and based on emotion and not necessarily well thought out. We are not out of the woods, but still - I'm happy. I can breathe again. I can get through a day without falling apart.

This is pretty f-ed up. I'm so messed up.
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2016 20:32     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Anonymous wrote:What does affair down mean?


The opposite of "marrying up". So if DW is an overall 7, the AP might be an overall 4 (with a cute ass, or some other "intriguing" feature that initially attracts DH's attention)
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2016 20:16     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
What does affair down mean?
Anonymous
Post 07/08/2016 14:46     Subject: He is moving out. Tell me this gets easier.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Affair is at least dampened, but he keeps thinking that the thrill he had with her is what is missing from our life. I think he is also holding out hope they will be together.

I'm literally physically sick over this... Stomach is in knots and can't even keep water down.


sorry if this has been answered already but there is no hope left, like he isnt willing to move past the EA?


It's still awful for me a year later, but in my case I would have much rather just had her say "hey, I don't love you let's divorce" and have it not involve someone else. Because the emotional aspect of the affair is the killer, because it gives you hope that your spouse is going through something (whereas if she/he were just "sleeping around" it means that their character is deeply flawed and would be easier to break it off IMO), but since in my case she "loved" the other man, and he was/is such an objective loser (really), then you have the hope that the spouse will "work through" whatever drove them to the emotional aspect of the affair and "wake up" and grow etc.




They always affair down!


Not true.