Anonymous wrote:OP here.
This kind of blew up since last night!

I'll try to answer everyone.

He didn't start our 2nd date by saying he needed to tell me something, and I didn't push him for information.
I asked a very casual question and that led to talking about families and such and he mentioned growing up in foster care.
Beyond knowing he went in at 6 and was never adopted I don't know any details.
I also don't think the details are my business at this point.

On the surface, from what you can know of someone you met online and after 2 dates, he's a very sweet guy and seems to have his life together. To me he seems more mature than 26 , not that maturity is a bad thing in a guy.
I guess is my worry I have a habit of picking guys with baggage that ends in nothing but relationship drama.
So, when he told me that my mind went immediately to "oh no not again!"
I want to give it a chance, but I don't want to get caught up with someone who is not healthy again.

It's hard to say about the new guy. Because, think about it the others had "lots of baggage" and it wasn't like every single one had been in foster care. I think you have to dig deeper to find the pattern with the guys with relationship drama. Were you trying to be a fixer and that is what they were looking for so that was the relationship pattern? Did they refuse to seek outside help or even admit that there was a problem and you were trying to change someone that didn't want to be changed? Were you picking someone that was emotionally unavailable because they were still hung up on an ex, not wanting to settle down etc, because either really didn't want to get hurt by getting in too deep or get off on the challenge? There is a part you own. It's the why of who you pick, why you stay, and how you allow them to treat you within the relationship/what patterns of communication you have. Everyone has issues of some sort. Isn't the saying it is how you overcome them that is the true measure. The whole baggage thing is so subjective. This guy could say you have baggage because of all the failed relationships. Someone else could think it would be baggage if you had all these long term relationships that you are likely to be hung up on the ex of have commitment issues. I don't think baggage should be the screening criteria unless you have more specifics and understand what else was your part to those relationships beyond going out on a date with a guy that didn't have a picture perfect past.

So I think you have to see how things go and use the normal relationship checkpoints. How does this person treat you? How do they treat others?. Anything seem off/make you uncomfortable about this person? Do you have similar values? Do you have chemistry? Is this person actively in the middle of something major and isn't willing to help themselves? Is this person in the middle of something major and is willing to help themselves but you don't see yourself having a future with this person for whatever reason to want to stand by him/her In a romantic capacity? Does this person try to always avoid conflict? There are so many people that can look good "on paper" and not be a good match. There are also people that on the surface wouldn't have been who someone would match you to, but turn out to be a great match.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've only been on 2 dates so far.
Trying to figure out a third.
He's a very sweet guy but I'm wondering if perhaps there is too much emotional baggage.
For reference we're both 26.

Most, if not all, of the male serial killers grew up with their bio parents. So OP you shouldn't date men raised in their bio homes. BTW, I think the guy should not date you. You've been on two dates and you're upset because he didn't pour out his life story and readily admit that he was raised in the foster care system. You're the one with issues.

Good point PP!

But yes, your entire post is a good point, I hope OP can hear and learn from all the feedback in this vein, because it's right on point.

Anonymous wrote:F&CK NO.

Been there done that. He turned physically abusive after 4 years. He's now with his trailor trash queen who puts up with his abuse.

Run and don't look back because if you aren't of that class you don't know the warning signs to look out.

I hope you're doing the work YOU obviously need to do on YOURSELF. Warning signs of bad partners are hardly a class issue. I wish you the best but guessing you have yet to find a healthy, thriving relationship unless you've done your own work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
This kind of blew up since last night!

I'll try to answer everyone.

He didn't start our 2nd date by saying he needed to tell me something, and I didn't push him for information.
I asked a very casual question and that led to talking about families and such and he mentioned growing up in foster care.
Beyond knowing he went in at 6 and was never adopted I don't know any details.
I also don't think the details are my business at this point.

On the surface, from what you can know of someone you met online and after 2 dates, he's a very sweet guy and seems to have his life together. To me he seems more mature than 26 , not that maturity is a bad thing in a guy.
I guess is my worry I have a habit of picking guys with baggage that ends in nothing but relationship drama.
So, when he told me that my mind went immediately to "oh no not again!"
I want to give it a chance, but I don't want to get caught up with someone who is not healthy again.

OP. Did you ever stop to thimk you're the unhealty one? Look at why you keep picking such bad guys. You should take a break and focus on yourself. This guy can be a good guy. You will never know because your ridiculous assumptions.

BINGO!!!

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
This kind of blew up since last night!

I'll try to answer everyone.

He didn't start our 2nd date by saying he needed to tell me something, and I didn't push him for information.
I asked a very casual question and that led to talking about families and such and he mentioned growing up in foster care.
Beyond knowing he went in at 6 and was never adopted I don't know any details.
I also don't think the details are my business at this point.

On the surface, from what you can know of someone you met online and after 2 dates, he's a very sweet guy and seems to have his life together. To me he seems more mature than 26 , not that maturity is a bad thing in a guy.
I guess is my worry I have a habit of picking guys with baggage that ends in nothing but relationship drama.
So, when he told me that my mind went immediately to "oh no not again!"
I want to give it a chance, but I don't want to get caught up with someone who is not healthy again.

To be honest OP, you just sound like you've got a lot more to learn about how to read the people you date, what signs indicate someone with the "drama" you should avoid and which signs indicate someone who might be a good match for you. And that's all normal and part of just growing up and getting to know yourself and how to date. But the fact that you don't get yet that yes, circumstances matter, but they do NOT define someone's character... if I were getting to know you and knew you thought this way, I'd know that **I** should step away and look for someone else to date. That is a big thing to not understand and maybe it is just because you're young, but I'd want to date someone smart enough to know that it's WHO you are now, and how that manifests itself, not HOW you grew up that defines whether you're a good partner or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in foster care. On my 18th birthday, mid way through my senior year in high school, I was thrown out by the foster parents. This was 35 years ago in Fairfax county. I was homeless from my Birthday for about three weeks, but after the school found out I was homeless, a teacher let me stay with her. The school found out, because I could not have a form signed by a guardian. I explained I am of age, and on my own. I definitely had issues -- abandonment, etc. At the time, I would not have been a good significant other.

FWIW, I had already applied to college, and went on a full scholarship. I ended up getting a graduate degree and now make good money. I am married with a kid. I want to take in foster kids, but wife says no. Basically, I want to help get kids through the transition to adulthood -- that was a very difficult time.

I know this happened a long time ago, but aren't foster kids cared for until age 21 now?

nope. 18. age of majority.

http://www.childrensrights.org/newsroom/fact-sheets/aging-out/

In DC you can still receive benefits and your foster parents can still receive subsidies up to 21 or maybe even 23.

Anonymous wrote:If I were him I would dump you for your judgement. You've only been on two dates and you expect this guy to tell you his whole life story? You're just seeing if there is attraction and common interests at this point. That's nothing something you divulge until you're more serious about dating that person.

I feel like you're being too judgemental. Foster kids can grow up with issues, but look at all the " normal" home children that grow up to be violent, on drugs, strippers, rapists, etc. Everyone has a past. Don't judge him for things he had no control over. It's like one guy who said he wouldn't date a woman with divorced parents. How can you penalize that person for a situation they had no power over.

Either give this guy chance and see how things go, or stop seeing him. I think you should do him a favor and let him find a woman who isn't so judgemental. He deserves better.

X 100!

Anonymous wrote:We've only been on 2 dates so far.
Trying to figure out a third.
He's a very sweet guy but I'm wondering if perhaps there is too much emotional baggage.
For reference we're both 26.

I'm going to cut you a little bit of slack because you're 26 yrs old, but you should know your question is wildly ignorant.

Of course growing up in foster care indicates some very likely rough experiences. However as someone who worked in foster care for 15 years and also was an adult woman out there living my life and dating, I can absolutely tell you that emotional baggage - SERIOUS emotional baggage - is out there in such big ways for so many men and women who did NOT grow up in foster care, you simply have to take each individual one person at a time and see if they meet your criteria for a stable person to date, plus whatever criteria you value in someone you date.

There are a LOT of different types of experience someone can have in foster care. Again, not sugar-coating it, a lot of kids have a very rough time. But many find stable nurturing homes, and many others thrive and come out fine despite their rough experiences.

And... a lot of people who never ever got anywhere near CPS or foster care are emotionally-damaged people who would make very unstable boyfriends or girlfriends. You simply can't generalize either way.

I hope you give this guy an equal chance, just like anyone else you'd date. If you see signs of trouble or behavior that bothers you, move on. But the fact that he grew up in foster care should not all by itself make you cut him off. Although... if he is a good guy and you do cut him off just because he grew up in foster care, maybe you're doing him a favor, because maybe he should be moving on from you....

A year ago, I would have of course-- if he is a nice, stable guy, then date away. But then...

My BFF married a guy who was in the system because of a druggie and mentally ill mom. He didn't even get a HS education, but was one of the nicest, kindest people I knew. He became a SAH Dad to 4 did and she got a high powered job and supported them. They were so happy and in love after 20 years of marriage.

And then, something snapped inside him one day. He became paranoid and aggressive, and abusive towards my friend, and mean to the kids. She found out he had had a perscription drug problem for years. He is now diagnosed as either bipolar or schizophrenic. He is not treatment compliant and she has had to take out restraining orders and have him placed on involuntary psych holds. She wants to help him and salvage their marriage so badly, but nothing is working. She is planning for a divorce.

Maybe this is anomaly, IDK. I have a sample size of one But mental,illness & addiction are highly heridary, and maybe some people really don't get over childhood trauma. But watching this unfold, has changed the way I think.

If Imwere you, I would see red flags.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My brother dated a girl from foster care and there were just so many issues. I felt bad for her, but seeing (on Facebook) the nightmare she's become (stripper, druggie, single mom who got her kid taken away, suicide attempts) I'm glad my brother didn't marry her. I'm sorry.

Holy crap, you are beyond stupid. You do realize that many people who were in foster care are fully functional adults, productive members of society, and loving partners and parents? And plenty of people who grew up with a silver spoon stuck firmly in their ass are druggies, assholes, and overall horrible human beings?

I really weep for the future, reading some of these comments.

Bravo. The people to run from ate the ones making these comments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
This kind of blew up since last night!

I'll try to answer everyone.

He didn't start our 2nd date by saying he needed to tell me something, and I didn't push him for information.
I asked a very casual question and that led to talking about families and such and he mentioned growing up in foster care.
Beyond knowing he went in at 6 and was never adopted I don't know any details.
I also don't think the details are my business at this point.

On the surface, from what you can know of someone you met online and after 2 dates, he's a very sweet guy and seems to have his life together. To me he seems more mature than 26 , not that maturity is a bad thing in a guy.
I guess is my worry I have a habit of picking guys with baggage that ends in nothing but relationship drama.
So, when he told me that my mind went immediately to "oh no not again!"
I want to give it a chance, but I don't want to get caught up with someone who is not healthy again.

OP. Did you ever stop to thimk you're the unhealty one? Look at why you keep picking such bad guys. You should take a break and focus on yourself. This guy can be a good guy. You will never know because your ridiculous assumptions.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:F&CK NO.

Been there done that. He turned physically abusive after 4 years. He's now with his trailor trash queen who puts up with his abuse.

Run and don't look back because if you aren't of that class you don't know the warning signs to look out.

So, you think "foster care" is a class of people. Even middle class white kids can end up in the system. Usually because of parents being mentally ill or on drugs and relatives not wanting to disrupt their perfect lives by taking in another kid. I know this because I'm a teacher. I've made maybe 18 calls to CPS and only two were for physical abuse. The rest were for white middle schoolers left alone for a week while mom & dad have a bender in Miami or the dad has shut off all utilities because he thinks the government is monitoring him through PEPCO and sewer lines.

Anonymous wrote:No. My brother dated a girl from foster care and there were just so many issues. I felt bad for her, but seeing (on Facebook) the nightmare she's become (stripper, druggie, single mom who got her kid taken away, suicide attempts) I'm glad my brother didn't marry her. I'm sorry.

Holy crap, you are beyond stupid. You do realize that many people who were in foster care are fully functional adults, productive members of society, and loving partners and parents? And plenty of people who grew up with a silver spoon stuck firmly in their ass are druggies, assholes, and overall horrible human beings?

I really weep for the future, reading some of these comments.

Anonymous wrote:We've only been on 2 dates so far.
Trying to figure out a third.
He's a very sweet guy but I'm wondering if perhaps there is too much emotional baggage.
For reference we're both 26.

Most, if not all, of the male serial killers grew up with their bio parents. So OP you shouldn't date men raised in their bio homes. BTW, I think the guy should not date you. You've been on two dates and you're upset because he didn't pour out his life story and readily admit that he was raised in the foster care system. You're the one with issues.

Anonymous wrote:No. My brother dated a girl from foster care and there were just so many issues. I felt bad for her, but seeing (on Facebook) the nightmare she's become (stripper, druggie, single mom who got her kid taken away, suicide attempts) I'm glad my brother didn't marry her. I'm sorry.

Was she hot