Anonymous
06/13/2016 19:55
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
OP, I haven't read everyone's advice, but if you're still reading:
First, ignore people who definitively say you're "not being abused."
Second, pay attention to the people who tell you to seek a therapist specializing in PPD, but also in general life areas.
Third, ask your DH to attend therapy with you, at least one session (consult your therapist on this one). This will give your therapist a comprehensive look at what your home life is like.
Fourth, go to therapy as often as is recommended. If, in a couple months, the abuse escalates, or you can definitively say that you in fact ARE being abused, then do these things in this order:
1) Tell people you trust with your life (preferably who don't know or don't like your husband) that you want to get a divorce. You will need the support.
2) Consult a lawyer. They can be expensive, so you may need to ask for money from your above support network.
3) Make arrangements for you and the baby to go to a safe place (preferably a friend or relative's house [b]in the same state you live in at the time*[\b]).
4) On the day you want to either confront H or tell him you want a divorce, make sure you are either a) At your safe place or b) able to go there immediately. You can either email your husband, or talk to him in person or phone, but DO NOT DO IT ALONE. Have someone with you, whether in person or on the phone. If he is verbally abusive, chances are high that he could escalate into physical abuse, and you don't want to be there if he feels that urge.
5) Proceed with divorce
6) Do not underestimate him. Expect evil and be prepared.
*In many states, taking your child across state lines without the other parent's knowledge or consent can be considered parental kidnapping. You do not want to be accused of this.
First, ignore people who definitively say you're "not being abused."
Second, pay attention to the people who tell you to seek a therapist specializing in PPD, but also in general life areas.
Third, ask your DH to attend therapy with you, at least one session (consult your therapist on this one). This will give your therapist a comprehensive look at what your home life is like.
Fourth, go to therapy as often as is recommended. If, in a couple months, the abuse escalates, or you can definitively say that you in fact ARE being abused, then do these things in this order:
1) Tell people you trust with your life (preferably who don't know or don't like your husband) that you want to get a divorce. You will need the support.
2) Consult a lawyer. They can be expensive, so you may need to ask for money from your above support network.
3) Make arrangements for you and the baby to go to a safe place (preferably a friend or relative's house [b]in the same state you live in at the time*[\b]).
4) On the day you want to either confront H or tell him you want a divorce, make sure you are either a) At your safe place or b) able to go there immediately. You can either email your husband, or talk to him in person or phone, but DO NOT DO IT ALONE. Have someone with you, whether in person or on the phone. If he is verbally abusive, chances are high that he could escalate into physical abuse, and you don't want to be there if he feels that urge.
5) Proceed with divorce
6) Do not underestimate him. Expect evil and be prepared.
*In many states, taking your child across state lines without the other parent's knowledge or consent can be considered parental kidnapping. You do not want to be accused of this.
Anonymous
06/13/2016 19:04
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the verbal abuse will go away. It started while I was pregnant. This is the root of all our problems. I don't want my child to grow up seeing this. It really makes it hard for me to take good care of my child.
OP don't listen to the people trying to gaslight you. If you know, you know.
I do know. He's anger is out of control. He yells, screams AND throws things. He's blocked me from trying to leave the house. He called me a horrible mom and a few weeks after birth because our son is colicky. We haven't sat down to watch a tv show or have a meal together in many many months. He's studying or working 247 and then he goes to church. He treats me badly but then goes to church regularly. I do go to the gym and I realize that I don't have any hope for my marriage. I'm only 28 and I think it may be better to divorce know while I am young. We fight in front of the baby and then he crys. It's really bad. My husband started throwing things and having angry outbursts while I was pregnant. I really really struggled with getting an abortion.
This is all I need to know. Of course you're depressed, who wouldn't living with a maniac. Please move out as soon as you can set yourself up. Your child will get you through everything because you'll never be alone, you'll always have family. I wouldn't care what that idiot does with his future, move out and file asap. If you haven't get a job and daycare set up, it will get better but not until you are away from this nut.
This. OP, get out now. Please, as soon as you can.
Anonymous
06/13/2016 19:01
Subject: Re:Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
NO
DTMF!
DTMF!
Anonymous
06/13/2016 18:59
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you are describing verbal and physical abuse. If this is what is going on, I urge you to ignore those who tell you are simply imagining your problems. You need to call (1) domestic abuse line and/or meet with a counselor on this issue, and then (2) a lawyer (even if you have to scrape together some $$) for at least an initial consult.
+100000000
Anonymous
06/13/2016 18:58
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
If he is making you feel very depressed than do it now. You cannot possibly live with a verbally abusive person- not in any meaningful sense of the word, at least.
Good luck, OP.
Good luck, OP.
Anonymous
06/13/2016 18:57
Subject: Re:Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Like the other posters here, I agree with getting some medication and linking with a counselor who can help you sort things out quickly. With your admission of feeling that you may be better of dead sometimes that is not a good place to be at all. Additionally, with the depression, your view of things can be drastically distorted so it is vital to get a complete evaluation of your situation. Of course you feel sad and unable to cope, but the sooner you address these issues the sooner you will be on your way to recovery. Please do not make any drastic life altering decisions about leaving your marriage until you are stable. God bless. I'll be thinking about you.
Anonymous
06/08/2016 23:13
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:Before you do anything drastic here, I strongly encourage you to run....NOT walk to get yourself evaluated by a physician.
There is a strong chance that what you may be experiencing now is Post-Partum Depression (PPD.)
If that is the case, I sincerely hope that you will get properly treated for it.
It cannot hurt to see if that is the root of your bad feelings.
If it is really due to your verbally abusive spouse, then I wouldn't wait another second.
I would find a good divorce attorney & file immediately.
Good luck + only the best wishes for both you and your precious baby OP, I truly & sincerely hope you find the peace that you deserve.
((((( HUGS )))))
Op said she's taking ppd medicine.
Anonymous
06/08/2016 23:03
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Before you do anything drastic here, I strongly encourage you to run....NOT walk to get yourself evaluated by a physician.
There is a strong chance that what you may be experiencing now is Post-Partum Depression (PPD.)
If that is the case, I sincerely hope that you will get properly treated for it.
It cannot hurt to see if that is the root of your bad feelings.
If it is really due to your verbally abusive spouse, then I wouldn't wait another second.
I would find a good divorce attorney & file immediately.
Good luck + only the best wishes for both you and your precious baby OP, I truly & sincerely hope you find the peace that you deserve.
((((( HUGS )))))
There is a strong chance that what you may be experiencing now is Post-Partum Depression (PPD.)
If that is the case, I sincerely hope that you will get properly treated for it.
It cannot hurt to see if that is the root of your bad feelings.
If it is really due to your verbally abusive spouse, then I wouldn't wait another second.
I would find a good divorce attorney & file immediately.
Good luck + only the best wishes for both you and your precious baby OP, I truly & sincerely hope you find the peace that you deserve.
((((( HUGS )))))
Anonymous
06/08/2016 14:16
Subject: Re:Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Why is it so hard for you to believe that OP could be abused? Do you not believe that there are women with babies suffering from abuse out there? By "other posts" she means "posts in this thread."
Now poster here, and I agree you're right about the "other posts" comment. I am really, really hesitant to doubt a woman who says she is being abused or to tell her anything other than "get yourself to safety immediately." I just have to be honest that it strongly seems like OP is in an exceptionally bad place right now for reasons other than just her husband, and seems exceptionally resistant to hearing that fact.
Anonymous
06/08/2016 14:12
Subject: Re:Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.
Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.
My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?
OK.... well that is called burying the lead! If that is the case... then why didn't you state that in the very first post? That is a VERY different situation. Your question shouldn't be do I wait until he graduates.... your question should have been... police involved because my husbands anger is out of control should I leave? That isn't what you posted.... you talked about crying all the time and 4 month old baby. Your story isn't consistent.
I posted about the abuse in other posts.
You said on the first page that you had not posted before. Which is it?
Why is it so hard for you to believe that OP could be abused? Do you not believe that there are women with babies suffering from abuse out there? By "other posts" she means "posts in this thread."
Anonymous
06/08/2016 14:02
Subject: Re:Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.
Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.
My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?
OK.... well that is called burying the lead! If that is the case... then why didn't you state that in the very first post? That is a VERY different situation. Your question shouldn't be do I wait until he graduates.... your question should have been... police involved because my husbands anger is out of control should I leave? That isn't what you posted.... you talked about crying all the time and 4 month old baby. Your story isn't consistent.
I posted about the abuse in other posts.
You said on the first page that you had not posted before. Which is it?
Anonymous
06/08/2016 13:24
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I don't think that the verbal abuse will go away. It started while I was pregnant. This is the root of all our problems. I don't want my child to grow up seeing this. It really makes it hard for me to take good care of my child.
OP don't listen to the people trying to gaslight you. If you know, you know.
I do know. He's anger is out of control. He yells, screams AND throws things. He's blocked me from trying to leave the house. He called me a horrible mom and a few weeks after birth because our son is colicky. We haven't sat down to watch a tv show or have a meal together in many many months. He's studying or working 247 and then he goes to church. He treats me badly but then goes to church regularly. I do go to the gym and I realize that I don't have any hope for my marriage. I'm only 28 and I think it may be better to divorce know while I am young. We fight in front of the baby and then he crys. It's really bad. My husband started throwing things and having angry outbursts while I was pregnant. I really really struggled with getting an abortion.
This is all I need to know. Of course you're depressed, who wouldn't living with a maniac. Please move out as soon as you can set yourself up. Your child will get you through everything because you'll never be alone, you'll always have family. I wouldn't care what that idiot does with his future, move out and file asap. If you haven't get a job and daycare set up, it will get better but not until you are away from this nut.
Anonymous
06/08/2016 13:10
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Could you take the baby and stay with your parents, sibling or friend for a while?
Anonymous
06/08/2016 13:00
Subject: Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
Anonymous wrote:I'm calling troll. Every response is met with a nuanced reason why OP is right and there is no other option.
The "multiple calls to police" thing certainly came out of left field.
Anonymous
06/08/2016 12:54
Subject: Re:Should I wait until my husband finishes his phd in a year to get divorced?
OP, you are describing verbal and physical abuse. If this is what is going on, I urge you to ignore those who tell you are simply imagining your problems. You need to call (1) domestic abuse line and/or meet with a counselor on this issue, and then (2) a lawyer (even if you have to scrape together some $$) for at least an initial consult.