I don't see anything abnormal about either of your kids behavior from your example. You seem like a good mom, just tired and stressed. As soon as you can get your daughter in pre school, get a job. You won't worry as much. If the school is not complaining your son is fine. Mine acted much worse, he was constantly arguing, hitting or refusing to leave the house or his grandma's house. But in school he was a good boy. Tomorrow he is graduating from high school and is heading off to an Ivy League school.

I haven’t read all the posts here, but my advice is....

If you feel as if you have reached the limit of your parenting abilities, you had better head back to the toolbox to find more tools.
It only gets harder into the teen years and you have to be on your game every single second.

Actually, some of that can be anxiety. The kid holds it together and then falls apart once home. What unthought was just bad behavior was anxiety in my son ( that is not to say that there is also bad behavior or that anxiety justifies bad behavior).

Have you talked to your child about worries? We found once we started to talk about them, we were shocked to find out how often he was terrified. If it is worries, a therapist can really help guide you in what to do. It is still tough, but at least you start to feel more sane knowing the behavior is coming from somewhere.

I also remember seeing at his psychiatrist an advertisement for a person who gave parenting advice on how to handle any challenging parent situation. I forget the info, but maybe you could reach out to your pediatrician for names.

And of course as one poster pointed out, never underestimate the power of food, water, and rest. For both you and your child.

Anonymous wrote:

If you reread my original post, you'll see that what I was looking for was perspective from people who'd either gotten outside parenting help for themselves or gotten professional assistance for their child, and how that worked for them. I didn't actually ask for people to dump all over my parenting based on a single anecdote that's hardly representative of every struggle we have with him, especially not parroting the same tips I can read on any generic parenting blog as if I'm too dumb to think of Google. I realize this is DCUM so people are going to respond however they want regardless of what an OP asks for, but that doesn't mean those responses are actually useful.

NP.

I did get outside help for my parenting. My son is extremely stubborn, spoiled rotten at his dad's house (and actively taught not to respect women), and had some issues at home that were very difficult for me.

My son's school has a psychologist on staff who works with families and children on school and home behavior issues, so we started there.

What he did, for our specific issues, which were primarily related to me not being consistent in how I handled them, was walk through the book "Parenting the Strong Willed Child" by Rex Forehand. We did one skill per week, sometimes it took 2 weeks to get a new skill down, and it made a HUGE difference. HUGE. My son is prone to anxiety, which is exacerbated when I am not confident in my parenting decisions, or when I'm not consistent, and he is a totally different child now. The skills are pretty easy, but doing them one at a time is manageable for you and manageable for him so that you aren't adding too much to your plate all at once.

Anyway, the first one was really important - reinforcing the positive relationship between parent and child. This was done by playing a game called Attending. It's where the child chooses an activity (an open ended one) that he directs entirely. The parent does not give a command, ask questions, or give directions. Initially the parent just watches and follows along, making oral observations about what the kid is doing (its super awkward at first, but gets easier as you practice) and getting excited about what they are doing.

Then, you start making other changes. I don't remember what order they go in, but its definitely a book worth picking up. It took 8 weeks (could be done in 6), and I swear, by the time we finished my son was a totally different human being. He's so calm now, and mostly cooperates with very few issues. I highly recommend it.

Additionally, I already knew that my son did not have any special needs because he had zero behavior problems at school (not zero, but zero major ones - minor ones are to be expected every now and again). Some of the PP's suggested ADHD, which I have no experience with at all, but I don't think its a bad idea to also make sure to speak with the pediatrician to see if you can rule out medical needs or other issues that would require outside help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking at him. Discipline, then drop it. Time out should be on stairs, not in his room.

NP here. I was thinking the same thing. Too much talking on your part. Tell him you are you are unhappy with his behavior and that you have let him behave in a way that's not ok for anyone and that you are starting a new policy. If he does something that's not ok you will immediately put him in "the corner". Going to the corner is a much more effective time out. Make him stand in the corner with his face to the wall until you tell him he's done. Don't talk to him or lecture him or try to figure out his feelings and why he did what he did. Just make sure he knows that when he engages in unacceptable behavior, and I am assuming you have already explained what is acceptable and what isn't, he will spend time staring at a wall. I don't understand time outs in a kids room. That is not punishment or discipline if you ask me.

I also think you need to discipline your three year old for throwing a toy at her brother and do it in a way that shows the 8 year old that you have his back, but also gentle enough that the 3 year learns that it can hurt when she throws toys and it makes her brother sad. You can figure out that one. But it will show your son that you are serious about her behavior as well. Just because she missed him this time doesn't mean she will always miss him and he probably is angry that she "gets away" with being bad and he doesn't.

Also agree about the hungry angry tired business. I guve my kids eggs or protein for breakfast every day. Really helps with their behavior. And I make sure they are well fed and well rested.

I totally agree with the disciplining both children in the same way for the same behavior and I agree with the sentiment that you have to demonstrate to him that you "have his back."

I don't agree with the less talking/discussion. I want to raise my boys so that they can learn to talk about feelings... I don't think taking away the talking and learning about how to cope with feelings is helpful. Maybe that discussion can happen at another time when the child is calmer but to eliminate it entirely wouldn't be helpful, in my opinion. My son is 4.5 and we're trying to teach him how to deal with his emotions. I can imagine him doing something similar as the example you described with your son. he would also definitely cry at the end because I think he'd have been overwhelmed with embarrassment. When he's like this, I hold him for as long as he needs to calm down and regain control. I would probably speak softly about how sometimes I'm angry and feel like throwing something but how I deal with that emotion so that it doesn't grow in me, yadda yadda yadda.
This doesn't exactly pertain to your situation as the child in this blog is probably a lot younger, but it hit home for me. http://www.majesticunicorn.biz/blog/2015/10/20/broken-things