I've been thinking about this a lot lately and my current stance is no, I wouldn't. This is mainly due to our circumstances though. I could see how people who had a close and loving relationship with their parents would gladly repay the favor. It just doesn't work for us.

My family has always been on the more dysfunctional side. While my parents always kept us kids clothed and fed, our emotional needs were never really taken care of. Over the years, my relationship to my parents has only deteriorated. Especially my mother is a very demanding, judgmental and toxic person. Taking her in would put a huge strain on me, which I'm not equipped to deal with. My father would probably be less stressful to deal with, but we're so distant, I feel no more than a financial obligation to him either. I feel guilty about sounding so callous, but I keep reminding myself that our relationship is what it is and they're not going to change.

My FIL is a different topic. He's very pleasant to be around and we've actually had him live with us for a few months when I was pregnant, while he was still looking for a new appartment. However, he is fully self-sufficient. If he was in need of special or round-the-clock care, I'm not sure I'd take it on for a longer period of time either. Part of that is due to having an infant at home, part of it is just me not having a caretaker personality at all. I'd rather leave their care to a knowledgeable professional who will definitely be better at it than I could be.

Growing up, my mother took on most of the elderly care load for her parents. They used to live close to where we did and not a day went by when she didn't take care of them. She always prioritized being a daughter over being a mother and made it clear that her parents came before her kids. This fostered some resentment in me and my siblings. I never saw it as a "great lesson of humanity" as much as a burden I didn't sign up for.

I guess it has shaped me into putting being a good mother over being a good daughter. Taking care of my daughter comes first and while I'll gladly go by my parents for social visits now and then and take over some of the slack from my sister, I will not put my life on hold to provide for them 24/7.

Anonymous wrote:Fuck no

KARMA
?kärm?
noun
(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

Anonymous wrote:If an elderly parent needed care, would you take them into your home on a permanent basis? Just curious. Never thought I would be in this situation, but now I am. BTW, I am married with school-aged kids. Feeling guilty about sending parent to assisted living when I have a nice home. Not sure if I could maintain my sanity w/ 24/7 care, though.

Which assisted living institution are you going to?

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Have you tried to take care of a dementia or very ill person? Its far easier said than done.

+1. People used to not live so long. Unless you know what it is to provide long-term care to someone with dementia, do not judge. Pick the dried crap out of your MIL's butt pubes and see how you feel about nursing homes then.

So you would rather a minimum wage worker do that instead?

Yes, as the have the skill and time. With dementia, its worse than a 2 year old. My MIL could not function at all. She could not eat without being told and assistance (i.e. sit there), could not use a phone or even verbalize she was hungry or needed something. She could not get dressed, do her hair or bathe. I could not leave the house for days on end, which meant my young child missed school and his stuff because she would not come along for the drive or leave the house. Maybe you are a better person than me, but after 6 months and exhausted, we had to place her in a nursing home.

I still spend many hours a week managing her finances, doing her paperwork, visiting, shopping and tending to her needs.

.

Why doesn't your husband do it?

He has had a very difficult relationship with her. She's always been kind to me prior to the dementia. I was the one who pressed the issue to move her here and do it all as if I did not she was going to be dumbed at the first nursing home cross country and who knows what would happen. I want to set a good example for our kids that you care for those who need it. He will only do what I ask him to do for her. I do not mind but it is far more work than most realize between fighting with the nursing home, paperwork, shopping and more.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Have you tried to take care of a dementia or very ill person? Its far easier said than done.

+1. People used to not live so long. Unless you know what it is to provide long-term care to someone with dementia, do not judge. Pick the dried crap out of your MIL's butt pubes and see how you feel about nursing homes then.

So you would rather a minimum wage worker do that instead?

Yes, as the have the skill and time. With dementia, its worse than a 2 year old. My MIL could not function at all. She could not eat without being told and assistance (i.e. sit there), could not use a phone or even verbalize she was hungry or needed something. She could not get dressed, do her hair or bathe. I could not leave the house for days on end, which meant my young child missed school and his stuff because she would not come along for the drive or leave the house. Maybe you are a better person than me, but after 6 months and exhausted, we had to place her in a nursing home.

I still spend many hours a week managing her finances, doing her paperwork, visiting, shopping and tending to her needs.

.

Why doesn't your husband do it?

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This.

Fuck no

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Have you tried to take care of a dementia or very ill person? Its far easier said than done.

+1. People used to not live so long. Unless you know what it is to provide long-term care to someone with dementia, do not judge. Pick the dried crap out of your MIL's butt pubes and see how you feel about nursing homes then.

My grandmother lived with us when she got dementia and it was awful on everyone. She became a huge danger to herself and everyone else (leaving oven on, walking out of th house and wandering around, screaming at us that we were trying to kill her, pooping all over the house, etc.). It was so emotionally draining on us kids and my parents marriage. But my parents couldn't afford a nice nursing home and were afraid of the ones she could get into. I admired my parents very much to do everything they could to take care of her. But unless you've actually lived with someone like this as a caregiver, you have no clue, none, how awful it can be.

Hell no is my first thought. But if it were short term, ie terminal, yes I probably would.

I wouldn't move them in with the idea they might live there for years and possibly decades.

no way. I am the only child of divorced and remarried parents, so that is four adults to deal with, plus my in-laws. dh and I are not taking in 6 people. my dad'said wife is the one he cheated on my mom with, so I really can't expect my mom to live with her.

also my FIL has dementia and is an ass-grabber. it's not his fault, but he can't live with us, we have daughters 10 and 12. no way.

think these things throuh before you judge. not everyone has a happy intact family with no major medical problems. back in the day, people just died younger and these situations didn't come up.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Have you tried to take care of a dementia or very ill person? Its far easier said than done.

+1. People used to not live so long. Unless you know what it is to provide long-term care to someone with dementia, do not judge. Pick the dried crap out of your MIL's butt pubes and see how you feel about nursing homes then.

So you would rather a minimum wage worker do that instead?

Yes, as the have the skill and time. With dementia, its worse than a 2 year old. My MIL could not function at all. She could not eat without being told and assistance (i.e. sit there), could not use a phone or even verbalize she was hungry or needed something. She could not get dressed, do her hair or bathe. I could not leave the house for days on end, which meant my young child missed school and his stuff because she would not come along for the drive or leave the house. Maybe you are a better person than me, but after 6 months and exhausted, we had to place her in a nursing home. I still spend many hours a week managing her finances, doing her paperwork, visiting, shopping and tending to her needs.

I would rather a trained and qualified professional do it. caring for dementia patients is very difficult and complicated, and it's easy to hurt them if you don't have the right ways of doing things. also, my parents have no money. there is no way I could earn enough to support them in addition to my own kids, while also providing 24-7 care myself. nobody could do that.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Yes, but back in Mayberry, mothers didn't work outside of the home- making 24/7 care of an elderly person feasible.

When I met my husband, his mother lived with him because she was unable to walk, and he did not want to put her in a nursing home. I married him knowing that I would be responsible for helping with her care. I loved her very much, and was heartbroken when she passed away three years later. I've never regretted the time I got to spend with her, and for my husband, it proved to him that I love him unconditionally.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Parent has ability to cover cost of assisted living near me. Siblings are not involved/checked out, so no one around to help out or offer respite care except me and I have school-aged kids who are in a lot of activities. If we go the assisted living route, I would still be involved in his life on a regular basis but wouldn't have daily responsibility for meals, personal care, entertainment. Still, I feel guilty. I recognize that I can't do it all, though.

Do not feel one ounce of guilt. It sounds like a good set-up. You will still have plenty to do!

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Anonymous wrote:If an elderly parent needed care, would you take them into your home on a permanent basis?

Absolutely. Did so for my dad for 2.5 years until he passed away. My school aged kids got to spend lots of time with him and they were eyewitnesses to the importance of family. Since dad was in our house, it made it easy for us to take care of him instead of having to go visit him somewhere else. And yes, I would do it the same way again.

+100!! Benefits and close relationships all around!