Anonymous
05/27/2016 14:56
Subject: Re:DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My goodness, cut off contact with her. Pay the court ordered amount, her support can pay for those things. Not your problem.
You've given this sponge too much access into your lives. She'll either sink or swim, NOT your problem.
Cut off contact with the mother of your child
Great plan
Except for pick-up, drop-offs, until child get's old enough.. they do need to cut the ex out of the picture. The child support is paying for the child, she is responsible for the other half which she doesn't like apparently, too bad.
"They" don't need to do anything. Op can't dictate if her husband speaks to his ex or not. That's his relationship to manage. My husband can get irritated with his ex from time to time but if I was like WE need to CUT OFF CONTACT he would laugh in my face and rightfully so. You don't cut off contact with the person who has primary custody of your child and is the gatekeeper to everything going on in their life. Moronic.
Oh my "gatekeeper", you both empowered her too much like OP and her husband. Get joint then, many other options. You bet OP has a say, it's affecting them, and their finances. Contact definitely needs to be minimized, being a couple is being a WE especially if a outsider is purposely trying to cause trouble.
Anonymous
05/27/2016 13:56
Subject: Re:DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My goodness, cut off contact with her. Pay the court ordered amount, her support can pay for those things. Not your problem.
You've given this sponge too much access into your lives. She'll either sink or swim, NOT your problem.
Cut off contact with the mother of your child
Great plan
Except for pick-up, drop-offs, until child get's old enough.. they do need to cut the ex out of the picture. The child support is paying for the child, she is responsible for the other half which she doesn't like apparently, too bad.
"They" don't need to do anything. Op can't dictate if her husband speaks to his ex or not. That's his relationship to manage. My husband can get irritated with his ex from time to time but if I was like WE need to CUT OFF CONTACT he would laugh in my face and rightfully so. You don't cut off contact with the person who has primary custody of your child and is the gatekeeper to everything going on in their life. Moronic.
Anonymous
05/27/2016 12:47
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:My husband buys and pays for those extras directly. He doesn't hand more money over the to ex-wife. She gets $2,500 a month in child support. But he does pay for things like extra shoes, coats, activities, field trips, when asked. But DIRECTLY.
Wow, that's a lot. How many kids?
Anonymous
05/27/2016 10:33
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex wife is very needy. She's constantly begging him for money and will use their daughter as an excuse. DH tells her to tell him what she needs and he'll get it and she says no, she'll get it, but wants him to give her the money. When he says no, she tries to guilt trip him telling him she's struggling because of him so he'll cave in an give her money. It's obvious to me that she's using the money on herself, but I can't get DH to see it that way. What should I do?
Yes it is obvious why she won't allow him to get it, of course it's NOT going to the child. How dumb is your husband, that was the clue!!
I think your problem is your husband. If you have joint custody, buy clothes etc. that you keep at your home. Otherwise, she only get's child support.
You need to have a sit down with your husband relating how important it is to be on the same page. I do all the finances for our family, maybe that's something you should take over. That way if he doesn't have a backbone he can put it on you, lol.
I agree it's time to have less contact with her except when only necessary. Your husband can talk directly to schools and doctors.
Anonymous
05/27/2016 10:31
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!
Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.
Stop. DH and I are married, and I can almost guarantee you that he has no idea what size clothes or shoes our DD wears. That statement alone doesn't mean that OP's husband is a bad parent. Don't look for reasons to trash someone else.
OP, you've gotten good advice about paying directly to the events, camps, clothing, whatever.
Anonymous
05/27/2016 10:27
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!
Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.
+1. Weird how you treat the ex like a secretary or someone who has to submit business expenses to you. Can't you just ask the kid yourself if he/she wants to play soccer and on what team and contact the right parents/company to sign up and pay? It's not rocket science to figure this stuff out. Unless your kid is under 5, they are likely to be able to give you enough info for you to do this on your own.
It's been ordered by a judge to supply receipts in the cases I know of. No receipt no money. Child support pays for clothes. Dad can take the child shopping.
In lieu of receipts the ex needed to provide all registration information and dad would pay his half directly.
One mom was also told dad would pay X amount per year for activities. Anything over that was on her. The amount was half of what the judge deemed a reasonable amount based on the child's interests.
Dad can take a child shopping but its not deducted from his child support. We bought/sent the kid lots of clothing as mom wasn't buying much (she'd buy to compete with us and trash our stuff so it was a win for the kid) and we got no deductions. It was considered a "gift."
There are all kinds of child support arrangements depending on time shares, etc. There are some situations where parents have equal time share and income and then they do a split, which is reasonable. My husband tried to pay activities directly (above the child support as she refused to let the kid play if it came out of child support) and she refused demanding a check to her (he offered to send it to the school) and refused to send the registration information (I'm assuming she never intended for him to play and it was another way to blame dad as to why he couldn't play).
You're right the clothes aren't deducted. When BIL bought clothes they stayed at his house so they wouldn't be thrown out.
No registration information meant no money. It was in the order?
No, his child support covered everything except some medical and dental. Later a judge removed that clause as she refused to use his insurance which had very few co-pays and basically everything was free. We offered to do it as we knew she would not pay for it via child support or buy the clothing. We didn't keep the clothing at our house as she often refused visits and it was cross country so he'd outgrow them and we wanted him to enjoy them (if he was here more we'd have a set to send home and a set for our house). My husband basically did what you are saying... and he refused to send a check directly to her and was willing to pay the school directly. She wouldn't allow it. I think she didn't want to drive the kid to practices so she tried to blame dad for not paying for it, when he would have.
Anonymous
05/27/2016 10:15
Subject: Re:DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My goodness, cut off contact with her. Pay the court ordered amount, her support can pay for those things. Not your problem.
You've given this sponge too much access into your lives. She'll either sink or swim, NOT your problem.
Cut off contact with the mother of your child
Great plan
Except for pick-up, drop-offs, until child get's old enough.. they do need to cut the ex out of the picture. The child support is paying for the child, she is responsible for the other half which she doesn't like apparently, too bad.
Anonymous
05/27/2016 09:57
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Children are so expensive. There is always something to buy. I had no idea of the constant outlay until I had my own kids. Take a look at any parent's credit card and checkbook, not to mention the daily cash. This is one reason that we did not take in a niece and nephew. Having to account to the courts for every penny from their parent's life insurance and social security money is a PITA. We end up just paying for everyone's food, drink, snacks, clothing, tickets, etc., rather than splitting the purchases in two batches to pay with a second card and get a separate receipt. There are sitters to pay who also need to be fed, gas and parking fees. Unless we are talking about egregious spending, I would just let it go.
You didn't take in a niece and nephew of a deceased relative because you didn't want to handle the separate accounting (for the life insurance which is presumably in a trust) that it would involve?
Anonymous
05/26/2016 20:56
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
OP, you sound like a fool. If you married a man with an ex and kids, when were you going to figure it out?
Anonymous
05/26/2016 19:59
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted yesterday that the OP needed to just leave it alone, and I stand by that.
Yes, it is OP's business. Yes, it sucks to have no input. I don't disagree with that. I also think that sitting down with your husband and talking about a budget - generally - could prevent this issue.
Really, though, there is almost nothing that the OP can say in this situation that isn't going to make her seem pretty awful, at which point her husband is in a really terrible place between his bitchy ex-wife who blames him for her bad decisions and his bitchy new wife who blames him for caving to his bitchy ex-wife.
It matters how much money is being requested. The differential incomes also matters. My ex pays child support that we agreed on when we got divorced. If our daughter also needs something else expensive, he usually pays for that as well. Why? He makes 2x as much as I do. A $500 ballet class for me is saving money for several months. The same class, for him, barely registers as an expense.
Maybe his new wife is not happy that when it is time to register DD for ballet, I call him and ask if he will pay the bill. The thing is, his child support is supposed to cover her basic needs - shelter, food, clothing. Extracurricular expenses are not usually considered in the list of basic needs. If there is a disconnect between the OP, her husband, and her husband's ex about what the child needs, then that is a different conversation.
Lawyer here and that's actually not true in VA. If you read the reports and analysis from the child support guidelines review committee as well as case law the child support amount (including the contributions from both parents) is intended to cover everything except for daycare and medical bills.
In Md and my kid's speech therapy wasn't even considered. I was awarded under $1,000/month for three kids and told I had to pay his $100/hr speech therapy out of pocket (not covered by insurance, not considered a medical expense) and then go to the court for reimbursement. There was no way I could afford that! I never asked for alimony and the child support award was so below what we needed.
As far as OP, obviously, it depends a lot on the dynamics and the amounts involved. Part of the problem is you married a man who had already made certain decisions. So if he and his exwife believe in funding horseback riding or private high-level music or a star tennis coach, that commitment was made before you arrived on the scene. I think if you can't agree on the extras, you should separate your funding from your spouse's. I think the poster who wrote about the friend who divorced over the man's generosity to his grown kids is just a sad, sad situation.
Anonymous
05/26/2016 18:55
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!
Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.
+1. Weird how you treat the ex like a secretary or someone who has to submit business expenses to you. Can't you just ask the kid yourself if he/she wants to play soccer and on what team and contact the right parents/company to sign up and pay? It's not rocket science to figure this stuff out. Unless your kid is under 5, they are likely to be able to give you enough info for you to do this on your own.
It's been ordered by a judge to supply receipts in the cases I know of. No receipt no money. Child support pays for clothes. Dad can take the child shopping.
In lieu of receipts the ex needed to provide all registration information and dad would pay his half directly.
One mom was also told dad would pay X amount per year for activities. Anything over that was on her. The amount was half of what the judge deemed a reasonable amount based on the child's interests.
Dad can take a child shopping but its not deducted from his child support. We bought/sent the kid lots of clothing as mom wasn't buying much (she'd buy to compete with us and trash our stuff so it was a win for the kid) and we got no deductions. It was considered a "gift."
There are all kinds of child support arrangements depending on time shares, etc. There are some situations where parents have equal time share and income and then they do a split, which is reasonable. My husband tried to pay activities directly (above the child support as she refused to let the kid play if it came out of child support) and she refused demanding a check to her (he offered to send it to the school) and refused to send the registration information (I'm assuming she never intended for him to play and it was another way to blame dad as to why he couldn't play).
You're right the clothes aren't deducted. When BIL bought clothes they stayed at his house so they wouldn't be thrown out.
No registration information meant no money. It was in the order?
Anonymous
05/26/2016 18:48
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:"If your dh's ex won't provide that sort of information to register her then personally I wouldn't give her the money for those things. For clothes and shoes take her shopping yourselves."
We did that for SS. Never saw him wear the items again Found out later that the ex wife returned the items for cash and spent the money on drugs and gambling.
We think my husband's ex trashed them. I doubt she sold them and I know she didn't do drugs or gamble so we aren't sure what she did with them.
Can you take off the tags and wash them before you send them?
Anonymous
05/26/2016 18:47
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!
Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.
+1. Weird how you treat the ex like a secretary or someone who has to submit business expenses to you. Can't you just ask the kid yourself if he/she wants to play soccer and on what team and contact the right parents/company to sign up and pay? It's not rocket science to figure this stuff out. Unless your kid is under 5, they are likely to be able to give you enough info for you to do this on your own.
It's been ordered by a judge to supply receipts in the cases I know of. No receipt no money. Child support pays for clothes. Dad can take the child shopping.
In lieu of receipts the ex needed to provide all registration information and dad would pay his half directly.
One mom was also told dad would pay X amount per year for activities. Anything over that was on her. The amount was half of what the judge deemed a reasonable amount based on the child's interests.
Dad can take a child shopping but its not deducted from his child support. We bought/sent the kid lots of clothing as mom wasn't buying much (she'd buy to compete with us and trash our stuff so it was a win for the kid) and we got no deductions. It was considered a "gift."
There are all kinds of child support arrangements depending on time shares, etc. There are some situations where parents have equal time share and income and then they do a split, which is reasonable. My husband tried to pay activities directly (above the child support as she refused to let the kid play if it came out of child support) and she refused demanding a check to her (he offered to send it to the school) and refused to send the registration information (I'm assuming she never intended for him to play and it was another way to blame dad as to why he couldn't play).
Anonymous
05/26/2016 18:44
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted yesterday that the OP needed to just leave it alone, and I stand by that.
Yes, it is OP's business. Yes, it sucks to have no input. I don't disagree with that. I also think that sitting down with your husband and talking about a budget - generally - could prevent this issue.
Really, though, there is almost nothing that the OP can say in this situation that isn't going to make her seem pretty awful, at which point her husband is in a really terrible place between his bitchy ex-wife who blames him for her bad decisions and his bitchy new wife who blames him for caving to his bitchy ex-wife.
It matters how much money is being requested. The differential incomes also matters. My ex pays child support that we agreed on when we got divorced. If our daughter also needs something else expensive, he usually pays for that as well. Why? He makes 2x as much as I do. A $500 ballet class for me is saving money for several months. The same class, for him, barely registers as an expense.
Maybe his new wife is not happy that when it is time to register DD for ballet, I call him and ask if he will pay the bill. The thing is, his child support is supposed to cover her basic needs - shelter, food, clothing. Extracurricular expenses are not usually considered in the list of basic needs. If there is a disconnect between the OP, her husband, and her husband's ex about what the child needs, then that is a different conversation.
Lawyer here and that's actually not true in VA. If you read the reports and analysis from the child support guidelines review committee as well as case law the child support amount (including the contributions from both parents) is intended to cover everything except for daycare and medical bills.
So does NOT include childcare or medical expenses not covered by insurance, but DOES include optional ballet classes? That's pretty messed up. I do agree that both parents should be contributing, though.
It depends on the state and the order. My husband's was inclusive of almost all, except braces and extraordinary expenses. It included child care but kids were not in day care so it was a non-issue. She refused to use his insurance and wanted hers. She asked the judge to have him pay co-pays (he sometimes helped to be decent) and premium and judge said no as he was ordered to carry the insurance and continued to even if she didn't use it (eventually she lost her insurance and one kid had a bad accident so luckily we kept it up). Child support calculations are supposed to include both parents share, however many few it as dad should be 100% responsible and do not consider mom is also supposed to be contributing in cases where dad pays a higher amount (obviously excluding mom's/kids who only get a few hundred or nothing).
Anonymous
05/26/2016 18:33
Subject: DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!
Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.
+1. Weird how you treat the ex like a secretary or someone who has to submit business expenses to you. Can't you just ask the kid yourself if he/she wants to play soccer and on what team and contact the right parents/company to sign up and pay? It's not rocket science to figure this stuff out. Unless your kid is under 5, they are likely to be able to give you enough info for you to do this on your own.
It's been ordered by a judge to supply receipts in the cases I know of. No receipt no money. Child support pays for clothes. Dad can take the child shopping.
In lieu of receipts the ex needed to provide all registration information and dad would pay his half directly.
One mom was also told dad would pay X amount per year for activities. Anything over that was on her. The amount was half of what the judge deemed a reasonable amount based on the child's interests.