Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that she doesn't care for him and that she has basically declared him to be a stranger to her.
It is a different issue how much you want to be involved with helping your dad. I understand you have a pretty strained relationship so I would t be surprised if you didn't want to deal with him.
Treat stepmom as a stranger. She does not care for your dad, and she cares for you even less. It is naive to expect her to inform you of anything.

+1 it happened in my family. My inlaws (married 25 years) had some money, all of which they worked for and saved together. She decided she was more important and needed the money for healthcare only.

Op again. Thanks again for all of the feedback. Got a couple of names of elder care attorneys today in my home state. To be clear, my dad is mobile and can take care of himself - he does not need assistance with bathing, bathroom activities, etc. She gets very upset when he doesn't feel well and doesn't know what to do other than to call 911. Recently, he had some very scary episodes with high blood sugar from his diabetes and he was left very weak but went to rehab for a few weeks and came home stronger. He tells me that his diabetes is fine; she says it isn't. I don't understand why he can't get an insulin pump but she rejects that idea - I need to be able to talk to a doctor directly. That seems to be the biggest issue. When his blood sugar isn't regulated properly, his temper is short and he isn't pleasant to be around. There are a lot of people in and out of their house (her daughter and grandkids live with them -- something he did not sign up for when he married for but he has not complained and practically raised the grandchildren) and it is chaotic for an elderly person who isn't feeling well. She doesn't get that at all. But yes, it is her house and she can have whoever she wants live there -- he signed up for that too. She said that he will go to rehab for a week or so when he leaves the hospital and then he will come home with in home help (she will have to convince him to pay for that). I need to make sure there is a plan b in place in case that doesn't work and she gets overwhelmed again. I'm hoping he'll still be in rehab when school gets out so my family and I can go visit and discuss everything while he is still there and she isn't around.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine that the Medicaid look back doesn't take into account "paper divorces." If she walked away with everything in order to impoverish him for medicaid, well, I just find it hard to believe that would actually work.

As a taxpayer, I hope to God the government looks back 5 years... at least 5 years....

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how she managed to divorce him without OP knowing.. Don't spouses need to separate first and actually live in different places for a while before the divorce?

She probably lied.

The step mother couldn't take care of her father, that's pretty clear. At 60 trying to help bathe, toilet, etc. is almost impossible for a woman. Even if she had help coming to the home that's also very expensive. It sounds like this was the only option because legally once he goes into a facility they can end up with all their assets. This will protect hers, which she needs for her lifetime.

Worse case once he burns through all the assets he will end up with the state. All OP can do at this point is ask questions to step mom, and go from there. Most don't have long term care, so many end up this way.

Folks are being way too hard on OP. Of course she should help Dad. He is in his 80s. StepMom showed her true colors by not consulting with anyone first. Maybe it will work out but I totally side with OP. Good Luck. Glad you are a lawyer....

I wonder how she managed to divorce him without OP knowing.. Don't spouses need to separate first and actually live in different places for a while before the divorce?