First, I totally think it's shitty of him to plan this.

But, if you're well off enough to afford it (and sound like you are), I am also in the minority that you should go. I'm a go along to get along kind of person.

The entire rest of the family is going, and you say your family is close. And you say it's a meaningful destination for them. So I think your nuclear family should all go.

Your brother is trying to make his child's event the center of the family's life for a week. Longer if you consider that it will preclude people from taking family vacations that are *not* about this cousin / nephew that year. Demandimg upwards of $3,000-$4,000 and intercontinental travel for a kid's life cycle event is over the top. It sends a terrible message to the child himself that everyone is supposed to drop everything because he learned a Torah portion and hit puberty.

There's no way you could ask family members to do something like this for more than one child, which means your brother threw down a marker that his kid is the big-deal kid.

This isn't required religiously. All that's required is the reading before a congregation.

If they want to make this into a special trip for their family that's fine and lovely for them, but telling other people to go is beyond the pale.

If he and his family refuse to attend your local, more convenient bat mitzvah because you didn't buy fOur plane tickets and fly 14 hours each way for their destination event, then that's on him and he needs a good talking to. I'm sure his rabbi would disapprove.

Do what you want and hold your head high. You could have trees planted in Israel to commemorate the occasion and send the boy the traditional card and check.

Don't waste a moment feeling guilty he failed to bully your family into makIng the world revolve around his event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reason #4,972 that I'm relieved to have left my modern orthodox upbringing behind.

Your brother is trying to shame a relative into demonstrating religious commitment on terms that he invented.

There is nothing pious, spiritual, holy, or godly about what he's doing. It's bullying and showing off.

OP, if your brother would boycott your child's local bat mitzvah because you didn't buy plane tickets and fly to Israel for his son's, then he is a mean and troubled person whom you probably would have displeased or disappointed at some point anyway.

If he does that, you can explain to your child that it's not about her -- it's a grownup argument. 13 is old enough to understand that.

+1

Yep.

+10000

So much loving treatment of one another in the name of religion. So inspiring!

When did he tell you this was his plan? Synagogues give dates out 3 years in advance. So if three years ago he told you about this and wanted his family to come for a big week long trip to Israel and mitzvah it makes sense. You would have plenty of time to plan, budget and make arrangements and you should go with all 4 of you (parent and 2 kids). If this was a last minute, hey lets have a bar mitzvah is Israel and quickly plan it, then I think you can decline. Bring your kids and spouse and make a trip out of it or don't go. A quick in/out of just you is silly.

If you don't want to go Op, it would be great if you could be strong enough to accept that they may not come to DD's Bat Mitzbah. Accept it, be at peace with it, don't make it a point of discussion with other family members. No drama over it. Don't put this on DD that she will be disappointed re: her own Bat Mitzbah. That just continues this emotional manipulation, training the next generation. Your DD can manage to have a wonderful celebration anyway - as long as YOU don't make the absence of family (if there is an absence) an issue.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Very quickly, I don't think it's a matter of being cheap. Even the three day tour is a significant financial stretch. And Israel is meaningful to them in a way that's extremely different than to us. I feel like it's more a failure of empathy. Basically, if this event is so important that they are willing to put out the effort and funds, then not attending the event in the way they envision (self funding plane ticjets plus upgraded 10 day tour) must be a comment on the importance of family/religion in the way they interpret.

You are falling for his BS.

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP - I'm going to offer a minority opinion here. I think you should go.

Your brother is being kind of an asshole. But he's your brother and it apparently means a lot to him if you're there (even if he isn't expressing it very well).

Airfare is expensive but not impossibly so. I just checked on Kayak.com and Dulles to Tel Aviv and back should be between about $1k and $1500. Maybe your brother would be willing to chip in and pay for half or something, if he understands your situation.

The flight itself will be terrible for you - but you've flown before, so you know what to expect. Flying really is safe. My trick is watching the flight attendants, whenever I start getting nervous. I figure if they look calm, then that's the appropriate attitude. Drugs are also a good option.

Anyway, sometimes family is manipulative and shitty. But you seem really upset about all your options here. And I suspect you will be least upset if you just suck it up and go.

Actually, the Kayak options are even better than I thought - lots for under $800. If you and your bro split the cost, that should be manageable, I'd think?

Hey OP - I'm going to offer a minority opinion here. I think you should go.

Your brother is being kind of an asshole. But he's your brother and it apparently means a lot to him if you're there (even if he isn't expressing it very well).

Airfare is expensive but not impossibly so. I just checked on Kayak.com and Dulles to Tel Aviv and back should be between about $1k and $1500. Maybe your brother would be willing to chip in and pay for half or something, if he understands your situation.

The flight itself will be terrible for you - but you've flown before, so you know what to expect. Flying really is safe. My trick is watching the flight attendants, whenever I start getting nervous. I figure if they look calm, then that's the appropriate attitude. Drugs are also a good option.

Anyway, sometimes family is manipulative and shitty. But you seem really upset about all your options here. And I suspect you will be least upset if you just suck it up and go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reason #4,972 that I'm relieved to have left my modern orthodox upbringing behind.

Your brother is trying to shame a relative into demonstrating religious commitment on terms that he invented.

There is nothing pious, spiritual, holy, or godly about what he's doing. It's bullying and showing off.

OP, if your brother would boycott your child's local bat mitzvah because you didn't buy plane tickets and fly to Israel for his son's, then he is a mean and troubled person whom you probably would have displeased or disappointed at some point anyway.

If he does that, you can explain to your child that it's not about her -- it's a grownup argument. 13 is old enough to understand that.

+1

Yep.

OP here.

Very quickly, I don't think it's a matter of being cheap. Even the three day tour is a significant financial stretch. And Israel is meaningful to them in a way that's extremely different than to us. I feel like it's more a failure of empathy. Basically, if this event is so important that they are willing to put out the effort and funds, then not attending the event in the way they envision (self funding plane ticjets plus upgraded 10 day tour) must be a comment on the importance of family/religion in the way they interpret.

Anonymous wrote:OP (once more)
The other thing I find really odd, is that they just had a smaller scale destination event for a milestone family birthday. Because the cost and time were about 20% of Israel, and the vacation itself was something my husband and older child could enjoy participating in, they went out for four days and our other child and I traveled in for the birthday party itself. But, there was a lot of disappointment because outside of immediate family, no one else came. And this was just a domestic, long weekend. I'm surprised they are going this route again and just upping the financial, logistical, and emotional stakes so much.

OP there's your answer. no one came = cheaper.

OP I think your brother is cheap and manipulative. Those 3-day packages are very cheap --especially if no one comes! The airfare is always the expensive part. Your bro knows that only a few people will come -- its the cheap way out for him. He gets a trip and no $10K+ for the party. He using the technique the "best defense is a good offense" So he blames it on you. He knows that travel is difficult for you -- 4 less people to pay for! Everyone knows the Israel thing is a cheap way out of a big party. Plus he gets to be all pious about it. Its a cheap destination "wedding" Your brother know EXACTLY what he is doing. Just say "no" as graciously as possible.

Anonymous wrote:Reason #4,972 that I'm relieved to have left my modern orthodox upbringing behind.

Your brother is trying to shame a relative into demonstrating religious commitment on terms that he invented.

There is nothing pious, spiritual, holy, or godly about what he's doing. It's bullying and showing off.

OP, if your brother would boycott your child's local bat mitzvah because you didn't buy plane tickets and fly to Israel for his son's, then he is a mean and troubled person whom you probably would have displeased or disappointed at some point anyway.

If he does that, you can explain to your child that it's not about her -- it's a grownup argument. 13 is old enough to understand that.

+1

Anonymous wrote:People can you read? OP already said her brother is paying for this?

Can you read ?
He's not paying for airfare!!!! And I'm sure he's not paying for the therapy and medications it is going to take address her severe anxiety.