Anonymous wrote:My 13yo DD recently came out. She's been in therapy for anxiety, and suddenly she's a new person not carrying around secrets anymore. DH and I are so happy to have our happy, less angsty DD back. It wasn't a surprise to DH and I when she came out. We're supportive and really just want her to fee happy and secure.

She will be spending several weeks this summer with her grandparents (3 sets, DH's divorced parents and my parents). She asked me to tell them her news because she didn't want to keep secrets anymore but didn't feel comfortable discussing her sexuality with grands, aunts and uncles. They're all southern, traditional, religious, conservative, and homophobic to varying degrees. All said they love her and want her to be happy, but disapprove of her choice. Every time they say choice, I correct them and say it's just who she is. My parents feel like they're being very supportive even though they've said how sad they are that she's not straight.

So my question is, how much do I correct them? When does it go from protecting dd's feelings to being combative? What amount of standing up for you do you wish your parents had done? She very much loves her grandparents and wants to go on this trip. I don't think there will be any huge issues. I just worry about her internalizing things they might say in passing, not directly about/to her (although I do worry a bit about that too). Things like supporting the bathroom bill or religious freedom by not forcing businesses to serve lgbt customers. I don't want to battle my parents or in-laws, but if there are key phrases to avoid I'd be happy to coach them a bit about what not to say. DD hasn't faced any direct negativity so she's not really able to say what would be offensive to hear. I also don't really want her to know about any negative things they've said to me. I want as little impact on her relationships with extended family as possible.

Tl;dr
13yo DD is gay. Grandparents disapprove. She's spending the summer with them. How do I help make for a happy summer for DD so her anxiety doesn't get worse?

Why do you sound like a troll?

Anonymous wrote:Can somebody explain me why the issue of someone's sexuality (wether straight or gay) need to be discussed with the grandparents? I am very liberal and open minded, but I also have some manners. I would never talk about my sex life, sex preferences with the grandparents, at any age, especially at 13. Does your daughter have nothing else to talk about?

Asked like a straight person. Unless you are gay, it is hard to comprehend how many times a day it actually comes up.. . Not in a sexual way (although it does) but especially in non sexual ways. This is known as straight privilege. It's not wrong to presume that most everything he is straight (most are), but it does affect those of us who are not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

Who said she's having a sexual relationship? As far as I know, she hasn't even had her first kiss. She may have, but she told me about her first hug, so I think she'll tell me about that too She has her first "girlfriend" now, and they do things like sit next to each other at lunch a few days a week.

The reason she wanted her family to know, like I said before, and similar to what pp said, is grandparents ask about friends, school, boyfriends. She's been keeping a huge part of herself hidden for a few years and doesn't want to have to do that anymore. It's caused a lot of anxiety for her and she's feeling better now that it's not a secret anymore.

She's going in about a month, and she will have a great time. Thanks for all the support

OP, the answers to those questions can be given without going into discussion of sexuality. Grandma: do you have a boyfriend? Your daughter - no, I just got a girlfriend. She can tell her where are they going to shop or what movie they went to see together with her girlfriend. Without discussing that she is a gay. You are raising her to be an adult. At the age 13 she should know where to draw the line and with whom it is appropriate to talk about certain things. Something tells me that there are another issues there as well.

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

Who said she's having a sexual relationship? As far as I know, she hasn't even had her first kiss. She may have, but she told me about her first hug, so I think she'll tell me about that too She has her first "girlfriend" now, and they do things like sit next to each other at lunch a few days a week.

The reason she wanted her family to know, like I said before, and similar to what pp said, is grandparents ask about friends, school, boyfriends. She's been keeping a huge part of herself hidden for a few years and doesn't want to have to do that anymore. It's caused a lot of anxiety for her and she's feeling better now that it's not a secret anymore.

She's going in about a month, and she will have a great time. Thanks for all the support

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you say she is 13. 13!! Please do not make this into more than it is. Chances are good that this will pass on its own

OP here. Why do you think that? Are you gay/bi/straight? When did you know?

Because it's a trendy fad, very much encouraged by everything from pop culture to school curriculae to screwball parents themselves. Much has changed since you were in school op. In case you haven't noticed

I absolutely understand that a 13 year old knows their sexual orientation but shouldn't any 13 year old's summer with the grandparents be about swimming, mini-golf and going out for ice cream?

I have 3 kids 11-16 and I can't imagine any topic farther from the range of conversation possibilities than sex.

In general, 13 years old is way too young to be involved in any kind of sexual relationship. Friendships, flirtations, crushes, sure-but those are subjects to giggle about with peers, not to discuss with grandparents.

Let you daughter go and have a carefree summer. She doesn't have many left!

Anonymous wrote:Can somebody explain me why the issue of someone's sexuality (wether straight or gay) need to be discussed with the grandparents? I am very liberal and open minded, but I also have some manners. I would never talk about my sex life, sex preferences with the grandparents, at any age, especially at 13. Does your daughter have nothing else to talk about?

My grandparents were curious about my boyfriends/dates to dances etc. I assume most are and like to be involved in their grandchildrens lives. In this case better to tell them gently then spring it on them.

Can somebody explain me why the issue of someone's sexuality (wether straight or gay) need to be discussed with the grandparents? I am very liberal and open minded, but I also have some manners. I would never talk about my sex life, sex preferences with the grandparents, at any age, especially at 13. Does your daughter have nothing else to talk about?

You sound pretty awesome 19:51. Thanks again for your insights. I knew one openly gay person while I was in high school. My senior year some students tried to put together some kind of lgbt club, but it was very controversial and parents even went to the school board to try to shut it down. We almost lost all clubs so the administration wouldn't have to pick and choose. By the time my sister came to high school 2 years after I graduated, the club had fallen apart. I don't remember any openly gay friends in college. Everyone felt like they had to keep it hush hush.

So many of the things in your 2nd paragraph weren't on my radar at the time because it didn't affect me and we weren't encouraged to support "that kind of lifestyle." I remember my mom stopped letting us watch Friends because Carol and Susan were lesbians and they "broke up a family so she could choose to be gay." Thank goodness my parents have evolved somewhat at least

At any rate, I'm so happy that the environment is different now for DD. She said when her class was talking about discrimination against the lgbt community, even the school bully was indignant at how unfair it is, especially the bathroom law. When she told her friends, she said they all said they all were supportive and asked why she was nervous telling them because it's no big deal. She said everyone gave hugs, and she was afraid the straight girls would be afraid to touch her, so she felt immediate relief that her peers would continue to treat her normally. She had been afraid that some of the girls might be standoffish or afraid she'd start crushing on them, but they're all behaving wonderfully. We've also talked about concerns of dating within her circle of friends (boys and girls).

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks 19:51. That's pretty much how I'm trying to be. We've done a little "troubleshooting" where we talk about things people could say that aren't supportive, and what they usually are trying to say rather than the negativity.

Honestly, I've suspected she was gay for a while, but she threw me for a loop by having a crush on a boy last year. (She said she was just pretending so she could fit in with her friends.) I doubt that it's a phase, but I understand that sexuality is fluid and she could find herself with different preferences in the future. She is what she is though, and right now she's only attracted to girls, and that's ok. She said she realized it at the beginning of 7th grade (she's in 8th now), so it's been nearly 2 years now that she's identified as gay.

19:51 here. That all sounds about right. I had many "crushes" on boys when I was exactly that age, because it seemed like the thing all the other girls were doing. And obviously it is common to experiment (both directions, by straight kids and gay kids!) in college before really "figuring it out." None of this makes any of our feelings or identities any less valid. It just is what it is. I think it's super cool that your daughter and so many other kids are growing up in environments where they feel safe enough to come out at such a young age. I certainly did not come out in middle school (or high school) -- very, very few kids were, and they had a tough time (but I suspect that I wasn't the only closeted classmate who secretly envied their bravery).

It's not entirely clear to me who exactly is on this site, but keep in mind that since this is a parenting website, many of us are in our 30s or 40s. So if the gay people responding to you are of that age, we turned 13 when the AIDS epidemic was a very recent memory (or continuing); when gay marriage was allowed in Hawaii for a minute, but it caused such a commotion that it was quickly revoked and DOMA became a thing to protect the rest of the country; ellen came out of the closet, but then our parents said we couldn't watch it anymore; gay characters were played by straight actors and openly lgbt celebrities and vocal allies were rare . . . Basically, we lived in a really awesome time relative to the generation before us who marched in Stonewall and dealt with police raids, but there still wasn't much that would inspire us to come out of the closet that young.

I don't say this to dismiss your daughter's coming out experience, because the fact is any kind of difference at age 13 is super scary as far as I can remember. But your daughter may actually be more secure in her identity than many of us were. She probably has more friends who are "cool with it," she's probably listened to Lady Gaga speak or listened to Ryan McAvoy, and it sounds like you hardly blinked . . .

She's going to be completely fine. To read the responses here, you'd think you were trying to send her to a conversion camp ala 'but i'm a cheerleader' . . .

Op here. Thanks 19:51. That's pretty much how I'm trying to be. We've done a little "troubleshooting" where we talk about things people could say that aren't supportive, and what they usually are trying to say rather than the negativity.

Honestly, I've suspected she was gay for a while, but she threw me for a loop by having a crush on a boy last year. (She said she was just pretending so she could fit in with her friends.) I doubt that it's a phase, but I understand that sexuality is fluid and she could find herself with different preferences in the future. She is what she is though, and right now she's only attracted to girls, and that's ok. She said she realized it at the beginning of 7th grade (she's in 8th now), so it's been nearly 2 years now that she's identified as gay.

I do not understand the point of all the "it will pass" talk. intentional or not, that's a really value-laden perspective that implies very strongly that "it" is a negative thing that will hopefully resolve on its own. let's be absolutely clear about this: we're talking about a 13 year old who believes that she is gay, and that is not a bad thing or a good thing. it's just a thing, and before long all the other parts of her identity (student? athlete? artist? comedian? friend?) will slip back into the #1 spot of how she's identifying, and the whole "gay thing" will cease to be so exciting. sure, it's totally possible that she'll turn 15 and realize she likes a boy, and then she'll think about whether maybe she's bi... or maybe she'll ultimately decide she is straight. OR maybe she will remain interested in women. i certainly knew by 13, and now i'm married (to a women) and have children, a professional job, a house in the suburbs and a big circle of mostly-straight liberal friends.

the point is that the "it might be a phase" talk is really unhelpful. OP, it sounds like you are being very supportive. There is no danger at all in believing what your daughter is telling you. I think responding to trans youth is much, much more complicated -- your kid is not telling you that she needs a new body, she's just saying she wants to date girls someday. It's really not a big deal. At all. She will have a completely normal life, either dating women or men, and there's no reason to wonder or hope if it will pass. Don't worry about that part at all.

Just keep doing what you have been doing: listening, monitoring her mental health (someone earlier mentioned the suicide rates of lgbt youth; don't overreact but do learn the signs), and treating her like she is the same person she has always been (because she is -- you just know her a little better now and are starting to see how brave she is). If she says she wants to visit grandma, for goodness sake let her go. just stay in touch and be willing to come get her if anything seems off. she's going to be fine. don't let people here scare you.

Anonymous wrote:Op, you say she is 13. 13!! Please do not make this into more than it is. Chances are good that this will pass on its own

OP here. Why do you think that? Are you gay/bi/straight? When did you know?

Op, you say she is 13. 13!! Please do not make this into more than it is. Chances are good that this will pass on its own