Anonymous wrote:Bit of a spin off here. I have 1 year old same sex twins. I totally get that it's not a package deal, but how do you deal with hurt feelings? Or, worst, if it keeps happening and one is more popular than the other? Maybe I should start a new thread...

I have same sex twins in 1st grade. If one twin gets a lot more invitations than the other, I decline some of them to help the other twin feel less left out.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my instinct was to just let it go. but I wanted to double check it. twin was in quotes b/c I haven't had coffee yet! we live in a small town house so 1 extra person does make a difference. we won't have enough seats for everyone etc and I thought it might be weird to have a kid at the party who doesn't know the other kids....but I am reminded now that at 6/7 you pretty much just play with whoever anyway. so hopefully it will all work out.
this is our first twin friend so we don't have experience with it--are twins just treated as a package deal until an older age? if you invite one, you invite both etc?

Yes, you should let it go and welcome the other child. How can one of the twins not know the other kids? Don't they all go to the same school? Every single time we've gotten an invite except once it's turned out to be for both twins. This is out of a total of maybe 20 parties so I wouldn't be surprised if the mother has had the same experience and wasn't thinking too deeply about your party and just made a wrong assumption. I've made the OPPOSITE assumption more than a few times, that an invite was for one of the twins, and then after I would RSVP for one kid a parent would write back and ask what happened to the other kid. All the parents I know go out of their way to make sure both twins are included. I don't mind splitting them up and have accepted a number of parties only on behalf of the twin closest to the birthday girl or boy but I know other parents of twins still think of them as a pair at this age.

but if I got an invitation for TwinA without TwinB, I would probably contact the RSVP contact and mention we had twins and ask if both were invited or if I should make alternate plans for TwinB.

How old are your kids? If they're older than K, that seems rude. Little kids pretty much just get along with everyone and can run around and play, but by first grade, kids tend to invite specific friends that they have things in common with to their parties.

Eh, it is strange, but what can you do except be gracious? Maybe your child will wind up being in class with the other twin in the future and then he'll know him.

I don't understand you--you are so torn up about adding an additional kid that you have to post about it here? It's a party and you're being a complete cheapskate about one kid.

Who cares if twins are or are not a package deal (as if there is a rule for this). You accidentally invited another kid, twin or not. Just have the kid come for the party. what is the big deal? This is such a simple, tiny thing I can't even imagine why you would do more than roll your eyes and sigh and then move on.

you'll have enough room simply because there'll be no-shows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bit of a spin off here. I have 1 year old same sex twins. I totally get that it's not a package deal, but how do you deal with hurt feelings? Or, worst, if it keeps happening and one is more popular than the other? Maybe I should start a new thread...

... it is just really hard in the preschool, early ES years. After that they figure it out.

If they are same sex twins in the same preschool class, I think the parents are totally obnoxious for inviting only 1 kid. And in that case, I would decline for both. If they are in different classes, then it makes sense and you have a go-to explanation for the one left out.

Anonymous wrote:I have twin boys and I can't tell you how many times I've received an invitation and I have no idea which kid it's for. (Evite only makes the name specification optional and it's impossible to invite two kids with the same email address.) In first grade, I assumed both were invited to a party and I was wrong. It was awkward. After that, if my kid's name wasn't on the invitation I would sheepishly contact the parent to ask which kid was invited.

To answer your question: No, twins are not automatically a package deal but I can understand how a parent might assume both could come. If you can fit the extra kid, let him come. It's extremely unlikely that every invited kid can make it so you'll likely have enough space.

THIS X10000!!! It's so annoying. I've had the write the "which kid did you mean" email many times. (which that mom should have done.)

Anonymous wrote:Bit of a spin off here. I have 1 year old same sex twins. I totally get that it's not a package deal, but how do you deal with hurt feelings? Or, worst, if it keeps happening and one is more popular than the other? Maybe I should start a new thread...

... it is just really hard in the preschool, early ES years. After that they figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:as a "twin" mom, I don't assume that both are invited. That being said- if the evite comes to me- without specifying who is invited, it is easy to assume that it is both. I have kind of a stock email that I send-
Hi Jane, I'm Rhonda- Larlo & Longo's mom's- we got the invitation to Voldermort's party, and the boys are so excited about it!. A question for you- I wasn't sure whether you intended to invite Larlo (in Ms. X's class) or Longo (In Ms. Y's class) or both of them. Whatever your intention is fine with us.

Me too. (Twin mom who frequently is unsure whether one or both twins are invited, so I have a similar stock query.)

I can tell you that the range of responses I get to my stock query really vary, and are very telling. Everything from "Of course both are welcome but thank you for checking." to "No, the invitation is only for Larla. Janie only wants her to come."

Be the gracious one OP. Just because it's the nice, generous, warm thing to do. Isn't that who you want your kid to be?

I remember vividly the least gracious response I got to my stock inquiry, which was a very clear no - only one child was invited. The day of the event that mom went out of her way to thank me for not trying to bring my other child, to tell me that it was completely her daughter's preference (who was 4 at the time. 4!), that all of the other "extra" kids there were family and that's why that half dozen exceptions were made, that all the last minute guests were beyond her control, that my leaving the other child at home really made the party perfect for her daughter, etc... Then she and another mom stood there gossiping at laughing about the kids and their parents. Openly.

Yuck. It was tacky, crude, transparent, and a great lesson in how NOT to host birthday parties for kids.

Be the opposite OP.

+1 I remember those days! Most people are nice, but I STILL know a mom who tries to pretend she "doesn't know the other twins name" -- they have played on the same soccer team with 8 players for 6 years ... it's just so awkward that she tries to keep that up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnant twin Mom 8:28, come back to us other twin moms after your kids are a bit older, and we will see if you say the same thing!

I will say the exact same thing. I wonder what makes you think I wouldn't? It's good manners, plain and simple. That doesn't change after birth.

just wait and see hee hee ps join the local twins club

Anonymous wrote:Bit of a spin off here. I have 1 year old same sex twins. I totally get that it's not a package deal, but how do you deal with hurt feelings? Or, worst, if it keeps happening and one is more popular than the other? Maybe I should start a new thread...

I'm a parent of 10y old same sex twins. And yes, for PK-2nd they were always invited together. I find it hard to believe that your kid didn't know his friend was a twin. My kids are in different classes, but they interact with other classes at lunch, recess, aftercare, field trips...

Starting in about 3rd grade, they started getting separate invites. It IS really hard for one of my kids because he considers himself friends with several kids - but never gets invited to playdates, sleepovers, parties with this set (from aftercare/camp/etc.) We just make sure we do something special for him - his choice. He has friends and seems well liked, but there are just a few kids that don't gel with him as well as he thinks he gels with them. It's part of life - but sad as a parent to watch.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, if there's room for an extra child, just invite him.

Fwiw, that mom was wrong for making the assumption. But be a gracious hostess and just respond you are happy they can make it.

This. How awkward for the twin who won't know anyone.

NP here.

My 2nd grader has a number of twins in her grade, mostly boy-girl pairs. Unless we are having a party that would naturally exclude one of the twins (a class party with *only* kids from that class, or a girl only party) I always invite both twins. The kids are in the same grade and I figure a joint invitation is kinder and makes life easier on the parents - no dealing with hurt feelings or separate logistics.

I get that this isn't standard, but my impression from talking to some of the twin parents is that they appreciate the consideration, and I would encourage you to be generous if at all possible.