Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

I'm incredibly grateful that my parents divorced. We are all much better off for it. Is having happily married parents the ideal situation? If course. But the ideal situation isn't always possible & my siblings & I were ( & still are) much better off with divorced parents who are happily remarried to other people than with miserable parents stuck in a miserable marriage "for the sake of the kids".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

As a child of divorce, I would place my parents' lifetime happiness as a higher priority than my desire not to have stepfamily around the holidays. Which is more important? OP is talking about second marriages of 20+ years vs she doesn't like how the holidays play out. Selfish. She's not a child anymore.

+1
Amen!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Or maybe they're pretending, to keep you happy. That's what I do.

Also, whoop de do, 30 whole minutes of getting along! Ask them when they're older and sick of dragging their own kids around for years and years to accommodate your divorce.

I'm in my 30s. Love my stepsiblings . Their kids are just as much my nieces & nephews ( & my kids' cousins) as my boo sibking's kids.My stepparebtvis,another grandparent to my kids.

I get that my experience isn't universal but not everybody has negative feelings about their parents' remarriage as adults.

My SIL's nicer to me than my own sisters. And family's can not get along even without divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sooooo stay home and do your own thing with your nuclear family? it's not rocket science.

So your answer is to ignore the part of the family OP does want to see. And you said it like a snooty asshole. Gee, thanks, PP.

Meh. Everyone has in laws or relatives they don't click with and would rather spend every holiday with their family BFFs and exclude the rest, but that's not how life or family work. For anyone. OP is holding onto a fantasy of what children of intact families experience during holidays. But the reason everyone has trouble with the holidays is they all ratchet up the expectations and it's impossible to meet them. Why not carve out family time with your bro NOT during the holidays. Rent a beach house for a week in the summer or something. That way you're making memories with your brother and not placing all the expectations on the holidays.

OP back. I agree much of this is just something I have to deal with and btw I do and have for my ENTIRE life. I said right up front this was a vent. I do believe that in more cases than not however, step families are very tough and it's not because anyone is so terrible but I really do feel their is a significant difference between my bonds with my steps (between mom and dad remarrying I have 4 step brothers, 1 step sister, a half sister, and my full bio bro) and have been with these people (only the half sis is younger) for 30 years! I don't think its at all fair to say I didn't try to have bonds. Of course I did. I didn't know any different. However it is different. It just is. Somehow things just feel less sincere.

Part of the trouble is that both of my bio parents have spent much of my life privately complaining about all my step sibs and showing preference to my bro and half sis and I in a way that made the natural bonds never really natural with my steps. I know they were wrong to do that and in many ways I think they do too now and want to make up for it by pretending now that we are all adults that we all get along much more than we do.

IDK, I just had a really crappy experience and now find all the forced interaction annoying and depressing. I can do my own thing but we all live near by and my parents hold the holiday events at their homes and if I don't go I am the one who misses out on my parents and my kids don't get to participate with their grandparents. There is no good answer but I do think DH and I are planning to try some holidays on our own and maybe take a trip.

If you are the remarried parents just lose the rose colored glasses will ya and try to give your kids a break on the blended family events.

OP I feel your pain. My husband's family is this way and trying to appease everyone made me physically sick. It took a while before we decided they made their choices and we make our own choices. We are not going to go broke and lose our sanity travelling to see everyone as much as they want. Nobody gets along and it's just miserable. More importantly, it took a toll on our kids.

So we decided when we have holidays we will invite them all and they either suck it up or don't come. When they try to drag us into the drama we cut it off right there. "That is between you and Larlo. Either come or don't come." We don't accept every invitation to visit them. When they complain we see them even less.

It took a load of stress off our marriage and our kids. My daughter asked me if we could just stop dealing with any of them because all they do is yell and say mean things.

I am sorry you have a bad time, but I think you are over romaticizing family functions in non- step families. They can totally suck too. My sister and I have the same parents and are not close at all. She drives me nuts. At age 48, she still needs all the attention. My husbands family is " close" and they all drive each other nuts

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

As a child of divorce, I would place my parents' lifetime happiness as a higher priority than my desire not to have stepfamily around the holidays. Which is more important? OP is talking about second marriages of 20+ years vs she doesn't like how the holidays play out. Selfish. She's not a child anymore.

+1. Statements like the PPs reflect people who thinks that kids needs always come first, even when those kids are adults.

It reflects the more likely scenario that the bio parents did NOT put their kids first before a new spouse, back when they were kids. If they had, they'd likely have a much better blended family relationship as adults.

That is probably true. Most parents fuck up heir kids in some way. The kids grow up and until they accept how they were raised and decide to accept their parents or not for who they are, they will never really grow up. therapy, stat.

Op: you can't choose your relatives - step or otherwise. Meanwhile you've gotten a lot of good advise on lessening/changing-up the visit dynamics. Pick one or deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

As a child of divorce, I would place my parents' lifetime happiness as a higher priority than my desire not to have stepfamily around the holidays. Which is more important? OP is talking about second marriages of 20+ years vs she doesn't like how the holidays play out. Selfish. She's not a child anymore.

+1. Statements like the PPs reflect people who thinks that kids needs always come first, even when those kids are adults.

It reflects the more likely scenario that the bio parents did NOT put their kids first before a new spouse, back when they were kids. If they had, they'd likely have a much better blended family relationship as adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

As a child of divorce, I would place my parents' lifetime happiness as a higher priority than my desire not to have stepfamily around the holidays. Which is more important? OP is talking about second marriages of 20+ years vs she doesn't like how the holidays play out. Selfish. She's not a child anymore.

+1. Statements like the PPs reflect people who thinks that kids needs always come first, even when those kids are adults.

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

As a child of divorce, I would place my parents' lifetime happiness as a higher priority than my desire not to have stepfamily around the holidays. Which is more important? OP is talking about second marriages of 20+ years vs she doesn't like how the holidays play out. Selfish. She's not a child anymore.

Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

Anonymous wrote:Op, I wouldn't do holidays with steps etc. I didn't like. Spend holidays with your spouse if married and do your own thing. Maybe spend another alone with your parent, and visit your bio siblings on other days separately. Lot's of ways to do it.

The problem with this is that the kids then miss out on a lot of grandparent and cousin time.