Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:41     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:Whatever was going one between me an AP is partially DH's fault for not paying enough attention to me, being the DH I need, etc.


Yeah, cheating is definitely the answer to problems and unhappiness in a marriage

Your spouse deserves responsibility for your infidelity as much as a victim of physical abuse deserves to be hit: not at all.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:11     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have friends who have caught their parents with APs like this and it really screwed them up. They never felt okay in future relationships and had commitment phobia. One said it was the shock that her parent's stable marriage was all a lie. She didn't think anyone could be faithful in a marriage.


I doubt it was ALL a lie. There were lies, but most was probably true and some was lies.


To a child, it makes them feel like everything stable and everything they thought they knew about their parents (and mother in particular) was a lie. Kids don't shrug their shoulders over this. It's a terribly betrayal. My father did something similar. There are 3 of us kids and none of us have a relationship with him. When their marriage fell apart, we fiercely protected and sided with our mother. His flagrant affair cost him his children. Obviously, it is not only the affair that destroyed our relationship, but anyone who does something like that, has serious character flaws that permeate their entire lives.


I agree that he has character flaws that he decided not to address. If the OP addresses her character flaws she can probably salvage her relationship with her daughter.

I am not saying it is not a punch to the stomach. But a family can get through this with counseling. Your father sounds like he took no responsibility in the matter and the result is kids that don't have a relationship with him.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 12:07     Subject: DD caught me with AP
My Mom at least moved out when my older sister caught her, but then introduced me to the string of men she was dating - while I was in high school. Like, I was living with my dad while she was whoring around living god knows where with god knows who, and she would invite my high school boyfriend and I out on double dates (with multiple dudes). Don't get me started on the amount of therapy I have had. As a side note, my parents are still married. (I know, right?)

That being said, I have a decent relationship with my mother (realizing she's a total narcissist and with boundaries) . I'm in a loving and stable marriage. The kid isn't irreparably damaged, but there's a lot of work of earning back trust and learning grown up lessons ahead.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:40     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have friends who have caught their parents with APs like this and it really screwed them up. They never felt okay in future relationships and had commitment phobia. One said it was the shock that her parent's stable marriage was all a lie. She didn't think anyone could be faithful in a marriage.


I doubt it was ALL a lie. There were lies, but most was probably true and some was lies.


To a child, it makes them feel like everything stable and everything they thought they knew about their parents (and mother in particular) was a lie. Kids don't shrug their shoulders over this. It's a terribly betrayal. My father did something similar. There are 3 of us kids and none of us have a relationship with him. When their marriage fell apart, we fiercely protected and sided with our mother. His flagrant affair cost him his children. Obviously, it is not only the affair that destroyed our relationship, but anyone who does something like that, has serious character flaws that permeate their entire lives.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:28     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is not a troll post. I don't know what gives that impression. I am really really sorry this happened. When I came clean with DH, this is what he told me. He is not sure what he wants to do at this moment. It is very clear and has been clear for some time that our marriage has been broken. The kiss is a symptom of this, not a cause. The cause, he says, is our inability to effectively and constructively deal with intractable differences that revolve around careers and money. Every fight we seem to have are around those two things - oh, and housework. He also says that he knows that I've probably been seeing this guy on and off for some time, and that it is very poor judgement on my part to have brought him home. "You f**ked up," he said, "And now it is on you to repair whatever relationship you want to have with our daughter." He is coming back from his latest business trip this Friday, says he is not sure whether he wants me to pick him up at the airport, not sure whether he wants to celebrate Easter as a family. He told me I need to get into therapy and fix myself and figure out how to go about fixing relationship with DD.


I asked this on a prior page and you have yet to answer.

How did the husband know you were having an affair to begin with?


Record of texts on our cell phone bill. Lots of texts back and forth to the same number, unexplained long absences from home, "late" work, etc. Also, once said he left his cell phone in my car and was able to track it to an address which was a hotel.


That's hot. Was the sex at least worth it?
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:19     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:I have friends who have caught their parents with APs like this and it really screwed them up. They never felt okay in future relationships and had commitment phobia. One said it was the shock that her parent's stable marriage was all a lie. She didn't think anyone could be faithful in a marriage.


I doubt it was ALL a lie. There were lies, but most was probably true and some was lies.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:17     Subject: DD caught me with AP
I have friends who have caught their parents with APs like this and it really screwed them up. They never felt okay in future relationships and had commitment phobia. One said it was the shock that her parent's stable marriage was all a lie. She didn't think anyone could be faithful in a marriage.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:15     Subject: DD caught me with AP
I hope op us a troll and didn't really let their kid see this. Omg.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:12     Subject: Re:DD caught me with AP
OP, I don't judge you for the affair, but I do judge the fact you brought it into your home with the CHANCE your child could see what was happening. There are so many other options to meet up with an AP, other than your home. Was your DD supposed to be gone some place? What did she say to you when she caught you? Have you two spoken since this incident? I agree that right now you really need to focus on your DD and repairing that relationship. Let her know that you are sorry and that you made a very bad decision. Give her space and time to heal. How long have you had this AP? Is it a relationship you want to continue, or are you planning to try and save your marriage?
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 11:00     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is not a troll post. I don't know what gives that impression. I am really really sorry this happened. When I came clean with DH, this is what he told me. He is not sure what he wants to do at this moment. It is very clear and has been clear for some time that our marriage has been broken. The kiss is a symptom of this, not a cause. The cause, he says, is our inability to effectively and constructively deal with intractable differences that revolve around careers and money. Every fight we seem to have are around those two things - oh, and housework. He also says that he knows that I've probably been seeing this guy on and off for some time, and that it is very poor judgement on my part to have brought him home. "You f**ked up," he said, "And now it is on you to repair whatever relationship you want to have with our daughter." He is coming back from his latest business trip this Friday, says he is not sure whether he wants me to pick him up at the airport, not sure whether he wants to celebrate Easter as a family. He told me I need to get into therapy and fix myself and figure out how to go about fixing relationship with DD.


I asked this on a prior page and you have yet to answer.

How did the husband know you were having an affair to begin with?


Record of texts on our cell phone bill. Lots of texts back and forth to the same number, unexplained long absences from home, "late" work, etc. Also, once said he left his cell phone in my car and was able to track it to an address which was a hotel.


See, here's where the potential XH bears some responsibility as well--if the goal is to strengthen the marriage. He gathered the info, understood what was going on, and did nothing. According to OP, admittedly a biased source, the arguments revolve around careers and money (I think housework is symptomatic of those two), which I suppose is the balance of making more money vs. the time expended to make that money.

Yet I see no indication that the potential XH sought to go to joint counseling to try to work through those issues. You mention the "latest business trip", so it sounds like he is on the road a lot. Meanwhile, you were absent from the home OP, ostensibly on your own "late" work.

End result is that both of you seemed to prioritize your day-to-day choices, namely to take the frequent business trips (potential XH) and to avoid your husband (OP). Now that the daughter is "in the know", I think the husband should own the fact that he has been choosing other priorities over strengthening the family unit.

Don't get me wrong, OP was discovered going outside the marriage. What potential XH does is unknown, except that he did not choose to use information he had to address the family issues. His withdrawal and absences affect not just the marital relationship, but the parental one as well.

Perhaps that's why he wants OP to own this discussion, as he's responsible for some of the deeper issues that are not dealt with "effectively and constructively".


This is not about her DH, even though the OP wants to shift blame on him for the FACT that SHE and SHE ALONE put herself and her sexual activity with her boyfriend on display for her children to see. Typical gaslighting that cheaters engage in.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 10:57     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't judge anyone for having an affair because I have no idea your circumstances. I do judge you for being so reckless and putting your child in a situation where they can catch you. This makes you a disgusting person and a horrible parent. You should be ashamed. Your daughter will never forget this and it will forever color her view of you.

Take a bow you piece of shit


Such aggression - People do make mistakes - it's learning from our mistakes that makes us better people. Relationships are complicated and slamming someone for trying to figure out what is best for them while having a family just doesn't make sense.

AP needs to apologize to DD and move their relationship forward. What kind of man tracks his wife, has dirt on her and doesn't confront her - he sounds like a loser.


You call putting yourself in a position where your CHILD sees you with your affair partner a "mistake"? No, that is not a mistake. That is being a narcissistic sick person who is a horrible parent. Many people have affairs and keep it out of their children's line of sight. She cares mare about the throbbing in between her legs than being a parent. Who cares of her husband has been doing recon on her, waiting and tracking the data so he can get the best advantage in a divorce? That is normal. She must be pretty easy to track, since she behaves like a cat in heat even in
front of her kids.

That "mistake" will forever tarnish her in her children's eyes. Hope the juice is worth the squeeze.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 10:54     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Thanks OP for answering my question.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 10:53     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is not a troll post. I don't know what gives that impression. I am really really sorry this happened. When I came clean with DH, this is what he told me. He is not sure what he wants to do at this moment. It is very clear and has been clear for some time that our marriage has been broken. The kiss is a symptom of this, not a cause. The cause, he says, is our inability to effectively and constructively deal with intractable differences that revolve around careers and money. Every fight we seem to have are around those two things - oh, and housework. He also says that he knows that I've probably been seeing this guy on and off for some time, and that it is very poor judgement on my part to have brought him home. "You f**ked up," he said, "And now it is on you to repair whatever relationship you want to have with our daughter." He is coming back from his latest business trip this Friday, says he is not sure whether he wants me to pick him up at the airport, not sure whether he wants to celebrate Easter as a family. He told me I need to get into therapy and fix myself and figure out how to go about fixing relationship with DD.


I asked this on a prior page and you have yet to answer.

How did the husband know you were having an affair to begin with?


Record of texts on our cell phone bill. Lots of texts back and forth to the same number, unexplained long absences from home, "late" work, etc. Also, once said he left his cell phone in my car and was able to track it to an address which was a hotel.


See, here's where the potential XH bears some responsibility as well--if the goal is to strengthen the marriage. He gathered the info, understood what was going on, and did nothing. According to OP, admittedly a biased source, the arguments revolve around careers and money (I think housework is symptomatic of those two), which I suppose is the balance of making more money vs. the time expended to make that money.

Yet I see no indication that the potential XH sought to go to joint counseling to try to work through those issues. You mention the "latest business trip", so it sounds like he is on the road a lot. Meanwhile, you were absent from the home OP, ostensibly on your own "late" work.

End result is that both of you seemed to prioritize your day-to-day choices, namely to take the frequent business trips (potential XH) and to avoid your husband (OP). Now that the daughter is "in the know", I think the husband should own the fact that he has been choosing other priorities over strengthening the family unit.

Don't get me wrong, OP was discovered going outside the marriage. What potential XH does is unknown, except that he did not choose to use information he had to address the family issues. His withdrawal and absences affect not just the marital relationship, but the parental one as well.

Perhaps that's why he wants OP to own this discussion, as he's responsible for some of the deeper issues that are not dealt with "effectively and constructively".
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 10:21     Subject: DD caught me with AP
OP I'm outta here. Thanks.
Anonymous
Post 03/15/2016 10:17     Subject: DD caught me with AP
Anonymous wrote:I don't judge anyone for having an affair because I have no idea your circumstances. I do judge you for being so reckless and putting your child in a situation where they can catch you. This makes you a disgusting person and a horrible parent. You should be ashamed. Your daughter will never forget this and it will forever color her view of you.

Take a bow you piece of shit


Such aggression - People do make mistakes - it's learning from our mistakes that makes us better people. Relationships are complicated and slamming someone for trying to figure out what is best for them while having a family just doesn't make sense.

AP needs to apologize to DD and move their relationship forward. What kind of man tracks his wife, has dirt on her and doesn't confront her - he sounds like a loser.