Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:because I asked him why he dumped into the sink a bunch of neatly stacked dishes I had left on the counter.

Context: we are in limbo and I want to move out but he has been unemployed and I cannot afford two mortgages. This morning he threw dishes from counter into sink. I asked why he did that and he pointed to a pot I had left in the sink and said it was unacceptable. I then objected saying How is that unacceptable? He said there's food in the pot. I said there isn't and proceeded to take a picture of the pot for later discussion, he threw the water from the pot on me.

We're the dishes and the pot in question dirty?

I bet they were, and had been sitting there for days. There's more to this story than we're being led to believe.

Yes the pot was dirty and I had placed it in the sink the night before, which upset H because he likes them neatly stacked on the side of the sink. He was mad that I hadn't finished washing all the dishes AND that I had left a dirty pot in the sink. Additional information: he's been unemployed (again) for 7 months; I bought a disheasher 3 weeks ago but am not allowed to install it because it's something he wants to do himself. I've been upset at him for dragging his feet on installing the dishwasher and for not helping with housework since he's home during the day --- in fact it's more work for me having him home since he's a slob. I'm paying all the bills i cluding afterschool daycare since he's supposed to be looking for work. He's employed about 2 years out of every 4 on average. But he doesn't help save to cover for the years he's unemployed. The garbage I bring is that I've become a critical and resentful person and I bet he can tell I no longer respect him. So, PP, there's the stuff that I left out.

NP here. Of course, your actions weren't helpful; but there's absolutely no excuse for what he did. I agree with others who suggest getting a lawyer so that you can at least live apart while getting counseling or working through your divorce. Best to you, OP. I'm really sorry.

OP I just read this thread thru and your situation really resonates with me. I'm near the end of a long divorce process from a man like your husband. In fact he threw a glass of water on me at our marriage counseling session. He has an anger problem and loses jobs frequently tho he always seems to bounce back and is highly paid.

Anyway...what I wish I'd known back when I was where you are is that these arguments are not worth engaging in. I was always so anxious to defend my position against his hostile accusations. Totally pointless; he will never see your side, or if he does it will only be fleeting. As a few previous posters have said, you need to disengage totally. Just walk away from his anger. If he follows you ranting (as my ex did), just go into the bathroom where you can expect privacy, or else leave the house if you need to. Stay calm at all times, don't let him goad you into responding, you will just set yourself back.

In the long term, you will need to separate, maybe divorce eventually but at least separate now so you both can get perspective. Divorce is not a silver bullet, believe me. As long as you have kids you will never really be free of him, and think carefully whether any of your relationship is salvageable before you go for divorce. For me, while I know it was the right thing, the process is utterly wrenching and a year after we started the process I'm still a mess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:because I asked him why he dumped into the sink a bunch of neatly stacked dishes I had left on the counter.

Context: we are in limbo and I want to move out but he has been unemployed and I cannot afford two mortgages. This morning he threw dishes from counter into sink. I asked why he did that and he pointed to a pot I had left in the sink and said it was unacceptable. I then objected saying How is that unacceptable? He said there's food in the pot. I said there isn't and proceeded to take a picture of the pot for later discussion, he threw the water from the pot on me.

We're the dishes and the pot in question dirty?

I bet they were, and had been sitting there for days. There's more to this story than we're being led to believe.

Yes the pot was dirty and I had placed it in the sink the night before, which upset H because he likes them neatly stacked on the side of the sink. He was mad that I hadn't finished washing all the dishes AND that I had left a dirty pot in the sink. Additional information: he's been unemployed (again) for 7 months; I bought a disheasher 3 weeks ago but am not allowed to install it because it's something he wants to do himself. I've been upset at him for dragging his feet on installing the dishwasher and for not helping with housework since he's home during the day --- in fact it's more work for me having him home since he's a slob. I'm paying all the bills i cluding afterschool daycare since he's supposed to be looking for work. He's employed about 2 years out of every 4 on average. But he doesn't help save to cover for the years he's unemployed. The garbage I bring is that I've become a critical and resentful person and I bet he can tell I no longer respect him. So, PP, there's the stuff that I left out.

Wait, so you work, he doesn't, and he's telling you how to do the dishes?? If he likes things stacked on the side of of the sink, then he should put them there himself. Holy cow OP, you gotta get out of there.

The chronic unemployment is the root problem sounds like. Hurts his ego, and OP loses respect, rinse, repeat. OP, have you helped with job search? A few stable months of dual income may improve the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:because I asked him why he dumped into the sink a bunch of neatly stacked dishes I had left on the counter.

Context: we are in limbo and I want to move out but he has been unemployed and I cannot afford two mortgages. This morning he threw dishes from counter into sink. I asked why he did that and he pointed to a pot I had left in the sink and said it was unacceptable. I then objected saying How is that unacceptable? He said there's food in the pot. I said there isn't and proceeded to take a picture of the pot for later discussion, he threw the water from the pot on me.

We're the dishes and the pot in question dirty?

I bet they were, and had been sitting there for days. There's more to this story than we're being led to believe.

Yes the pot was dirty and I had placed it in the sink the night before, which upset H because he likes them neatly stacked on the side of the sink. He was mad that I hadn't finished washing all the dishes AND that I had left a dirty pot in the sink. Additional information: he's been unemployed (again) for 7 months; I bought a disheasher 3 weeks ago but am not allowed to install it because it's something he wants to do himself. I've been upset at him for dragging his feet on installing the dishwasher and for not helping with housework since he's home during the day --- in fact it's more work for me having him home since he's a slob. I'm paying all the bills i cluding afterschool daycare since he's supposed to be looking for work. He's employed about 2 years out of every 4 on average. But he doesn't help save to cover for the years he's unemployed. The garbage I bring is that I've become a critical and resentful person and I bet he can tell I no longer respect him. So, PP, there's the stuff that I left out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:because I asked him why he dumped into the sink a bunch of neatly stacked dishes I had left on the counter.

Context: we are in limbo and I want to move out but he has been unemployed and I cannot afford two mortgages. This morning he threw dishes from counter into sink. I asked why he did that and he pointed to a pot I had left in the sink and said it was unacceptable. I then objected saying How is that unacceptable? He said there's food in the pot. I said there isn't and proceeded to take a picture of the pot for later discussion, he threw the water from the pot on me.

We're the dishes and the pot in question dirty?

I bet they were, and had been sitting there for days. There's more to this story than we're being led to believe.

The petty fighting is all surface stuff OP.

Sadly you both are miserable living under the same roof and this won't end well at all.

Eventually something has got to give. For things to get better, they will get worse first I hate to say.

Yes, throwing dirty dish water on you is very spiteful and demeaning. This just shows the level of anger is close to reaching its threshold.

Do something N-O-W. Either get anger management therapy if you both have the inclination to make this relationship work or live apart if you do not.

Do not accept the status quo anymore.

Best of luck to you! ~

Anonymous wrote:because I asked him why he dumped into the sink a bunch of neatly stacked dishes I had left on the counter.

Context: we are in limbo and I want to move out but he has been unemployed and I cannot afford two mortgages. This morning he threw dishes from counter into sink. I asked why he did that and he pointed to a pot I had left in the sink and said it was unacceptable. I then objected saying How is that unacceptable? He said there's food in the pot. I said there isn't and proceeded to take a picture of the pot for later discussion, he threw the water from the pot on me.

We're the dishes and the pot in question dirty?

OP: I just called a lawyer. I think this marriage is 98% beyond repair.

Are you getting a lawyer, OP?
The Women's Center in VA/DC will help you.

Allowing the house to go into forclosure would wreck OP's own credit score...not too smart.

Husband refuses to sell house too.

OP here: thanks PP I hadn't thought of that. I know my H will fight tooth and nail before moving into a room somewhere else. I want to protect my child and her relationship with both her parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you want to have a later discussion about a pot, and the fact that you took a picture of a pot in a sink to use as evidence in said later discussion point to a high level of crazy.

I agree. And, you don't have to pay two mortgages when one of you move out. One of you moves out, pays rent and the other gets a roommate in the marital home to help cover the additional cost.

But how could an unemployed man pay rent? Wouldn't this mean OP is paying the rent + mortgage?

Good god! Do you really think an unemployed spouse prevents divorce? An attorney can help you work out an arrangement. When my husband (unemployed) and I were going through this, I found him a room in a shared townhouse and paid the rent for 6 months in advance. I had to deplete my retirement savings but it got him out of the house - which was sold as part of the divorce decree and moved into a 1 bedroom apartment (I have 2 kids) until I could get back on my feet. What I hear in OP's post is excuses for staying in her current situation.

If OP really wanted out, she COULD use the money from a roommate to pay rent for another apartment for her husband or let him stay in the marital home and let it go into foreclosure.

OP you need a lawyer. Now.