Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:23
Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.
i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.
what would you do in my shoes?
Why can't he just concentrate on you one night a week?
Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:23
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"
i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.
divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself
Oh fuck right off with all this rationalization bullshit. YOU are better off staying married so you can scratch the itch but don't have to deal with a divorce and losing him "making your life better" while you screw another man on the side behind his back.
It's fundamentally dishonest and hateful for you to pursue a life-long affair rather than divorce him. Either work with him to improve things or divorce him. You are disgusting for justifying your interest in an affair by saying it's good for you both. It would obviously destroy him to find out, so you either woman up and divorce him or woman up and have a honest conversation about how much sex means to you and how you need to find a better solution together.
The bigger truth is many should have stayed single. They are not cut out to be real partners. There are real struggles in life, kid problems, health, and if they can't weather some of the little nonsense best to stay single and have all the sex they want since it's such a priority. No one person can ever meet all your needs be it emotional, sexual, what have you. At some point you have to put the adult pants on and accept it.
This is so true. Marriage is a huge commitment and people hop into it like it's a 2-year Peace Corps stint.
OP, first page: ask him to get CBT instead of this medication. If he doesn't want to do that, divorce him.
Either he (unwillingness to prioritize your needs and compromise on his treatment methods so both his health needs and your sexual needs are met) or you (unwillingness to communicate honestly and compromise with your spouse on a timeline to resolve this satisfactorily or just divorce) are NOT READY TO BE IN A MARRIAGE.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:21
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Each to their own. If it's that important you can get divorced down the road. Many women would love to have your problem, many complain they have to service their husband when they really don't want to. No longer attracted, longer term resentments, over worked stressed with life problems. All different, but many women would love for a Anti-Viagra...or ED of course.
Many women would NOT like this - what you describe is severely messed up in many ways.
Oh please, TONS would! Hate to break it to you, lot's love their kids, time with friends, and it's not at the top of their list.
It's not even in the middle.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:09
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Each to their own. If it's that important you can get divorced down the road. Many women would love to have your problem, many complain they have to service their husband when they really don't want to. No longer attracted, longer term resentments, over worked stressed with life problems. All different, but many women would love for a Anti-Viagra...or ED of course.
Many women would NOT like this - what you describe is severely messed up in many ways.
Actually a lot do.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:07
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"
My therapist told me to get a side piece. Well he said boyfriend but I have not pulled the trigger yet. Married 20 years to a man with zero sex drive.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:04
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:Each to their own. If it's that important you can get divorced down the road. Many women would love to have your problem, many complain they have to service their husband when they really don't want to. No longer attracted, longer term resentments, over worked stressed with life problems. All different, but many women would love for a Anti-Viagra...or ED of course.
Many women would NOT like this - what you describe is severely messed up in many ways.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 16:02
Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.
i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.
what would you do in my shoes?
What about Viagra?
What about he satisfies you sexually other ways?
Why aren't you talking about this with him?
Anonymous
02/19/2016 15:48
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
No don't tell him you'll divorce him if he doesn't measure up. That comes across as a threat, many spouses do that when fighting or use it for leverage.
You need to weigh everything. It may be too exhausting to be with someone who has these medical problems, not just the sex but the whole anxiety...having to be on meds the rest of their life at such a young age. I would assume there are going to be other long term side effects. It may not be worth it especially when you could find a healthy partner your own age.
Will you be able to find a partner with the same good attributes this one has? I would look at everything.
You need to weigh everything. It may be too exhausting to be with someone who has these medical problems, not just the sex but the whole anxiety...having to be on meds the rest of their life at such a young age. I would assume there are going to be other long term side effects. It may not be worth it especially when you could find a healthy partner your own age.
Will you be able to find a partner with the same good attributes this one has? I would look at everything.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 15:25
Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:No way out. Every option sucks and will irritate you. It's called life.
+1
Life sometimes gives us a shitty situation. No matter what you choose to do - stay sexless, affair, or divorce - it will cause unhappiness to both you and him.
Accept the fact that there is no good outcome, only less bad ones.
If I were you, and I've been in a similar situation, I would be honest with him. I would tell him I'm sorry, but I can't accept sexlessness. We need to work on this problem and if you won't help fix it I will leave.
The best thing you can do here is maintain your moral integrity. Be honest, with yourself and with him.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 15:04
Subject: justifiable affair?
Have you tried viagra for when he does get the urge?
What med is he taking if you don't mind saying?
Also is he doing cognitive behavioral therapy in addition to medication? If not he should be. May be able to wean down/stop the meds.
I really feel for you. I'm a mid 40's man and have had a few episodes of ED but the spirit has always been willing, and I eagerly take care of my wife in other ways at those times. I really can't imagine losing the urge, but if I did I couldn't begrudge my wife finding satisfaction elsewhere.
As far as doing it without his permission, the deception may end up hurting you in the end even if he never finds out. Think carefully about that. What if you fall in love with the AP? It can get really ugly/messy
What med is he taking if you don't mind saying?
Also is he doing cognitive behavioral therapy in addition to medication? If not he should be. May be able to wean down/stop the meds.
I really feel for you. I'm a mid 40's man and have had a few episodes of ED but the spirit has always been willing, and I eagerly take care of my wife in other ways at those times. I really can't imagine losing the urge, but if I did I couldn't begrudge my wife finding satisfaction elsewhere.
As far as doing it without his permission, the deception may end up hurting you in the end even if he never finds out. Think carefully about that. What if you fall in love with the AP? It can get really ugly/messy
Anonymous
02/19/2016 15:03
Subject: justifiable affair?
So OP, what would your DH do if he found out you were cheating?
Anonymous
02/19/2016 14:58
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Each to their own. If it's that important you can get divorced down the road. Many women would love to have your problem, many complain they have to service their husband when they really don't want to. No longer attracted, longer term resentments, over worked stressed with life problems. All different, but many women would love for a Anti-Viagra...or ED of course.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 14:51
Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:he has no urge or has ED?
both - no urge and on the rare occasion he does - it doesn't work very well. and if i try to help him feel like it, he feels too pressured and can't do a thing
Anonymous
02/19/2016 14:46
Subject: Re:justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"
i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.
divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself
Oh fuck right off with all this rationalization bullshit. YOU are better off staying married so you can scratch the itch but don't have to deal with a divorce and losing him "making your life better" while you screw another man on the side behind his back.
It's fundamentally dishonest and hateful for you to pursue a life-long affair rather than divorce him. Either work with him to improve things or divorce him. You are disgusting for justifying your interest in an affair by saying it's good for you both. It would obviously destroy him to find out, so you either woman up and divorce him or woman up and have a honest conversation about how much sex means to you and how you need to find a better solution together.
The bigger truth is many should have stayed single. They are not cut out to be real partners. There are real struggles in life, kid problems, health, and if they can't weather some of the little nonsense best to stay single and have all the sex they want since it's such a priority. No one person can ever meet all your needs be it emotional, sexual, what have you. At some point you have to put the adult pants on and accept it.
50 years of no sex is not a "little thing". and most people don't go into marriage expecting someone to meet ALL their needs - sex is the only one we peal off and say only your partner is allowed to fulfill it and if they can't too bad, sucks to be you.
Anonymous
02/19/2016 14:41
Subject: justifiable affair?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
We have the same problem in reverse - I have a medical condition that I have to take meds for, that kill my libido. There is no other medical alternative, unfortunately.
So DH accepts the greatly diminished frequency of sex, and I accept that any time we have it, it will be painful.
I believe that as long as each spouse does their best, you shouldn't be straying.
but when its dh you can't just suck it up and do it - he has to physically be into it.
when you say greatly diminished - how frequently is that for you?
Once a month. It used to be daily, I can't believe illness and medication have changed me so much, but there it is.
That would be the least of my concerns. My health would be. And you say it's painful, he has 2 hands I assume.