XH was over here earlier today, and everything was so easy. It has always been easy for him to participate and contribute, give of himself and enjoy being cared for in turn.

BUT HE WON'T/DOESN'T and that's fucking SAD.

He sees it. But, it's just a thick, immovable wall for him. So sad.

I'm separated and I have moments of profound sadness. But then he does or says something that reminds me of why we're not a good fit for each other any more and I make a note of it for the next time I'm sad. All I know is that he was the right guy for me in my 20s, when all I wanted was some attention, some affection, and a fun time. Now that I need more than that -- oh, and he stopped paying attention to me, showing affection, or being fun years ago -- he's not even someone I would consider dating.

I feel like I've learned a lot from this experience and that I will do a much better job screening for husband #2. I have a much better sense of self, and also a much better sense of my needs.

I still very much believe in love and marriage.

The only sadness I felt is I didn't do it sooner. I wasted another 15 years of my life thinking it would change for the better. I did it for the kids sake and what a joke that was. Kids can sense an unhappy marriage. They were better off growing up without us being together. I know that now and I wish I knew it then.

I don't have any regrets. My ex wife is bipolar and she refuse to do anything about it. Living with her was toxic I was not the same person as I was before I met her. I didn't realize I was a different person until a cihldhood friend noticed the difference. I was in that toxic environment for so long I forgot how to be me. I always have my guard up for whatever crap my ex would throw my way. Even to this day I get blamed for the failed marriage even though she is the one that cheated, lied and stolen from me. Sometimes I wonder how the fuck did I not see that coming.

I was sad about it for a long time. But, life goes on. You have to reframe it in your mind and own what you've got. I've really just tried to do the best with what I've got and created a nice little life for myself alone

Anonymous wrote:I am in the process of divorce, and I am often sad as well. I wish I had stood up for my needs sooner and communicated more, maybe things would be different (unlikely). I am sad for my kids. I am sad because I didn't expect this for myself (does anyone?). But...I know some things would never change. He would always be a bully. He would never pull his weight. And I have learned to mostly approach the situation with an open heart and a sense of empathy for how severely emotionally f*ed up he is. So...I try to find the good in each day and when he is being bitter and spiteful I take a breath and remember that he just doesn't know any better. I look forward to my kids seeing me happy and healthy surrounded by friends and family who care.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:I am in the process of divorce, and I am often sad as well. I wish I had stood up for my needs sooner and communicated more, maybe things would be different (unlikely). I am sad for my kids. I am sad because I didn't expect this for myself (does anyone?). But...I know some things would never change. He would always be a bully. He would never pull his weight. And I have learned to mostly approach the situation with an open heart and a sense of empathy for how severely emotionally f*ed up he is. So...I try to find the good in each day and when he is being bitter and spiteful I take a breath and remember that he just doesn't know any better. I look forward to my kids seeing me happy and healthy surrounded by friends and family who care.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.

Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.

Of course it is. You broke vows. How is it not a failure?

My ex cheated. I seem to recall that even Jesus and Dr. Laura said divorce is OK in the case of adultery.

Of course, Jesus was by implication saying it's OK for MEN to divorce cheating wives, but hey....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well sure. It's hard to fail at something so major in life.

Most therapists will try to tell you that a divorce is not a failure.

I don't see it as a failure. You can't force feelings and it isn't something you can work hard at to make something out of nothing. If the emotional connection isn't there....it isn't there. Failure is just sticking around unhappy but patting yourself on the back for sticking with it for years.

I agree you can't force feelings. But equally, exiting the marriage because you are not willing to do the work to bring that back is cowardice.
After all, if all it takes to get two people to fall in love is to answer 20 questions while looking into each other's eyes.
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?referer=&_r=0

I tried the questions quiz with my husband. I thought it was profound. He did not and he started an affair within a week of that experience. It takes two people to try, and sometimes one person just has no desire to make things better. My husband blames me for basically everything wrong in our marriage and, despite counseling, sees himself as the victim because I was not who he wanted me to be (nothing abusive or terrible - just that I was not very physically affectionate re: hugs, etc., - we had lots of sex). I am staying for now and trying everything I can so that, if it doesn't work, I know I have done everything I can. I am hoping he will come around, but that is not up to me. But it's not cowardice to leave if someone refuses to work with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

now that whole world is gone, like it never happened. We are never going to open Christmas presents again, take a vacation, plan our kid's wedding together...

Friends and family tell me I will get over it, move on, but you cannot carve away knowing someone 17 years of your life as if it never happened. What do you do?

I share your melancholy, it's deep. I could not live with my ex any longer because though we had a good time when we weren't at odds, the fights were unbearable and six years of counseling solved absolutely nothing. Now, 14 months after he moved out, I am pining for the life we had with the kids, and feel utterly bereft. He was my best friend and confidant when times were good, and I will never find that again. I rely on antidepressants to get past this, but it doesn't seem to go away. If only we could talk to each other about what's going on in our jobs, who he's dating, etc.. I'm not jealous at all and would not go back to the bitterness, but I just miss him.

Can you get back together & try again?!

I'm the melancholy PP and no, we can't get back together, he has moved on thoroughly with a long-term girlfriend he says is great, and he never looked back. Hell, he never even tried to talk me out of getting divorced. I was miserable with him, but this is a different kind of miserable. The fact is, he is a bully and can be very nasty, but it may be Stockholm Syndrome but he is so ingrained in my life and stuck in my head.

Anonymous wrote:I am in the process of divorce, and I am often sad as well. I wish I had stood up for my needs sooner and communicated more, maybe things would be different (unlikely). I am sad for my kids. I am sad because I didn't expect this for myself (does anyone?). But...I know some things would never change. He would always be a bully. He would never pull his weight. And I have learned to mostly approach the situation with an open heart and a sense of empathy for how severely emotionally f*ed up he is. So...I try to find the good in each day and when he is being bitter and spiteful I take a breath and remember that he just doesn't know any better. I look forward to my kids seeing me happy and healthy surrounded by friends and family who care.

I wish I could say the same. My ex was emotionally abusive to me but successful; I initiated after years of trying so hard to stop the fighting, we went to counseling for years, nothing helped. Now I'm separated 14 months, agreement is signed, and I can't seem to stop obsessing over him. I don't want him back so it's something else that I can't figure out. I keep thinking about him with the new girlfriend, every aspect keeps running through my head and can't stop, check email constantly for emails/texts from him about kids/dog/money, anything, and am thrilled when I get one, deeply depressed when there's not. I can't move away because my son is in high school and it would be cruel to wrench him away, but I also can't move and let my husband have full custody because I would be crushed without my son so I'm trapped here. Therapy hasn't helped, they just say stop talking to him, but we have too many things we have to stay in touch about with custody, dog, alimony, child support, who pays what, weekly doctor appointments for son, etc etc. What the h... is wrong with me? Why can't I be rational and happily single like everyone is telling me I should be by now?

I am in the process of divorce, and I am often sad as well. I wish I had stood up for my needs sooner and communicated more, maybe things would be different (unlikely). I am sad for my kids. I am sad because I didn't expect this for myself (does anyone?). But...I know some things would never change. He would always be a bully. He would never pull his weight. And I have learned to mostly approach the situation with an open heart and a sense of empathy for how severely emotionally f*ed up he is. So...I try to find the good in each day and when he is being bitter and spiteful I take a breath and remember that he just doesn't know any better. I look forward to my kids seeing me happy and healthy surrounded by friends and family who care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean. I divorced from the love of my life. I think about him every day. That being said, I'm so much happier note that were not married. Some relationships are not meant to be encapsulated in marriage forever.

There was a part in Eat, Pray, Love where Elizabeth Gilbert was crying about her divorce and the relationship afterward that also ended. She was at the ashram and the Texas guy was talking with her about it. She said she was sad. "So be sad." "But I loved them." "So love them. Then let them go. Some people are only meant to be in your life for awhile to teach you a lesson, not to be your soulmate forever." It was otherwise not an awesome book but I have always loved that part.

I remember that part of the book. My (stbx) husband got that book for me as a gift when we began struggling in our marriage years ago. I always questioned whether it was subconsciously or conciously brilliant or stupid on his part. It did nothing but encourage the idea of freedom and healing without him.

Anonymous wrote:Man here,

I found pics and sexting. My ex-wife was planning to physically cheat with a friend from high school. I feel sad on occasion when I think about losing my best friend. I remember events from our marriage very vividly. All around me, I see incomplete manifestations of the dreams we had for our life together.

It saddens me at times, but I know that I made the right decision in getting divorced.

Planning, just planning and you still divorced? Kids? No kids?

Male here. I felt the same way. 5yrs married with 2 girls, 4 & 6. I missed my children desperately.
I had her go to counseling but that lasted 1 session with this
physiologist. I continued sessions without her & the counseling was the best thing I could have done.
I keep a journal also & read it about 6yrs later, WOW
Keep plugging ahead, It gets better.