Anonymous
Post 02/08/2016 11:25     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
I always say that we just aren't as portable these days but would love to see them whenever they're able to come. I'm grateful to have family that understands that sometimes you need a bit of time to catch up to yourself.

Hopefully visits don't need to turn into a tit for tat kind of thing, but when it comes down to it you only have say over your own household, not theirs. When you are ready to go, is a hotel a possibility? Traveling + crummy rest makes it that much more of an ordeal to plan for.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2016 10:13     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
Anonymous wrote:DH and I very recently welcomed a beautiful new daughter into our family. We have a 2.5 yo DD as well.

My parents, who live in the Midwest (10 hours away) have been out here twice since the birth to help/visit, and are planning to come again in the late spring/early summer for the baptism. They are retired, have no pets or major obligations, and are in decent health, except for the fact that my mom recently had eye surgery, and can't drive. (No problem, my dad likes to drive.)

My ILs, who live 3 hours away, have been out here once since the birth to help/visit. They are retired, have no pets or major obligations, and are in decent health. But they have said that--now that they visited once for the birth--it's time for us to visit them. They expect a we visit/they visit dynamic from here on out, because "they are so busy and don't want to drive so much."

Keep in mind, our house has ample space for guests; when they visit, they have their own room and own bathroom. And it's just two of them. When WE visit them, the four of us will have to cram down in their unfinished basement living room on a pull-out couch, with barely any space for a Pack and Play. It's always freezing down there. And there is one bathroom/shower for all of us. Plus the drive, and we work. (I go back in a few weeks, and of course will have NO time off whatsoever because of maternity leave.)

My DH and I are trying to decide whether we should put our foot down on this one, and ask them to visit us a few more times, until the baby is a bit older and sleeping through the night. And even then, we won't be making the trip to see them as frequently as we used to. (Used to be about six times a year, now we're thinking twice a year.) We think it will be worth the "fight"; MIL is not going to take this one lying down. She likes us to be there so she can "show us off" at their church.

They are welcome to come visit us; that is not a problem. We are good hosts who clean, cook and don't ask for help watching the kids. We always take them out to dinner or treat them to take-out. We're not trying to avoid them, we just think it's easier for us to host and for them to travel. Do you think this is fair?


The bolded above is the answer, OP - you can't visit very often for awhile because you have no leave to use for a visit. There's no need to get into whether you think what they want is fair - no leave means no travel for awhile.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2016 10:08     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
I don't think you need to make a big deal about whose turn it is to travel when. If they ask to see the grandkids, just say you can't manage the trip right now, but they are welcome to visit. Repeat as necessary until you feel comfortable making the trip. If they complain, remind them they can visit you. I would be pretty resentful if I had to schlep 4 kids while they are retired and could easily travel. Also, no more cold basement, get a hotel. That sounds miserable.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2016 10:00     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We've only flown once to CA to visit my ILs since our first was born 5 years ago. We also attended two long distance family reunions in that time. Each trip involved time changes, non direct flights and skipping naps/pushing bedtimes. Each was a disaster. Since the third and final trip 2+ years ago, my husband put his foot down and told them we no longer travel across time zones with napping children. It's so expensive now as a family of 4 too that if we visited there we would never get to have a family vacation as 4 plane tickets, a rental car, and a hotel for a week would eat up our travel budget for the year. Actually, we've not taken a vacation in 5 years. Our only trips since kids were to do with my ILs' sides of the family....


I visit my family on the west coast twice a year since my son was a baby. No issues with the plane or jet lag.


We travel to visit west coast family at least twice a year. Of course, we don't have rental car or hotel charges, since we stay with family and they always loan us a car if we need it. But the travel itself really isn't a big deal.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2016 09:58     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
Anonymous wrote:I think it's fair for you to say that you won't be hauling your family of four, newborn (!) included, anywhere anytime soon, but that the ILs are welcome to visit anytime.

I don't think it's fair to ask/request/dictate how many times your ILs need to come see you before you'll go see them. I know they tried to pull that act on you, but that's not how this ought to work - with you all "owing" each other visits. That's just weird. Both sides should try to see each other as often as is enjoyable and feasible for you - it's okay if that works out more frequently for one side than the other.


+1

You don't need to "put your foot down" and enforce a new rule. Just tell them that you won't be travelling as much with a new baby, but they are welcome to visit. Then revisit the situation as the baby gets older and you see what your new routine looks like.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2016 19:46     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I very recently welcomed a beautiful new daughter into our family. We have a 2.5 yo DD as well.

My parents, who live in the Midwest (10 hours away) have been out here twice since the birth to help/visit, and are planning to come again in the late spring/early summer for the baptism. They are retired, have no pets or major obligations, and are in decent health, except for the fact that my mom recently had eye surgery, and can't drive. (No problem, my dad likes to drive.)

My ILs, who live 3 hours away, have been out here once since the birth to help/visit. They are retired, have no pets or major obligations, and are in decent health. But they have said that--now that they visited once for the birth--it's time for us to visit them. They expect a we visit/they visit dynamic from here on out, because "they are so busy and don't want to drive so much."

Keep in mind, our house has ample space for guests; when they visit, they have their own room and own bathroom. And it's just two of them. When WE visit them, the four of us will have to cram down in their unfinished basement living room on a pull-out couch, with barely any space for a Pack and Play. It's always freezing down there. And there is one bathroom/shower for all of us. Plus the drive, and we work. (I go back in a few weeks, and of course will have NO time off whatsoever because of maternity leave.)

My DH and I are trying to decide whether we should put our foot down on this one, and ask them to visit us a few more times, until the baby is a bit older and sleeping through the night. And even then, we won't be making the trip to see them as frequently as we used to. (Used to be about six times a year, now we're thinking twice a year.) We think it will be worth the "fight"; MIL is not going to take this one lying down. She likes us to be there so she can "show us off" at their church.

They are welcome to come visit us; that is not a problem. We are good hosts who clean, cook and don't ask for help watching the kids. We always take them out to dinner or treat them to take-out. We're not trying to avoid them, we just think it's easier for us to host and for them to travel. Do you think this is fair?


My fully retired MIL pulls this and it drives me NUTS. I commute, work, and raise two kids alone (her son left). She loves to see her grandkids but is constantly whining about how hard it is on HER because she is so busy. (She likes to watch late movies and sleep until 10:30 AM - I'm up at 5 daily).

That's fine, do what you want, hey you're retired, you earned your R&R. But man I resent hearing about how busy she is.

I think one's concept of time and ability to mutiltask/juggle/do more changes with retirement. You just get used to not fitting as much into a day.

Like the old adage says, "if you want something done, give it to a busy person". Def. not a retired person - with all the time in the world on their hands, from where I'm sitting.....



EXACTLY. My IL's are like, "OMG CHURCH CHOIR." Like it's a huge deal if their large choir is without one alto and one bass for ONE SUNDAY SERVICE.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2016 19:43     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
Anonymous wrote:I visit cousins three hours away. I drive down and arrive by noon, we leave at 6pm. What is the big deal? You don't need to sleep there. It's only three hours!!!!!


And how old are your kids?

And you don't think OP's in-laws will expect to see their grandkids for more than 6 hours?
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2016 19:43     Subject: Not traveling for a while--fair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's a 3 hr drive. I'd just say "We'll come visit for the day." Then get there before lunch and have an early dinner and then leave at 7pm. Don't stay over if that's uncomfortable. THAT is your real issue - you don't want to sleep there.


Do this but I'd leave earlier as to have the kids in bed by 7/8.

/this doesn't need to be a your parents vs his parents thing. You and your husband decide what level of travel you are comfortable with and your husband tells his parents.


SIX HOURS in the car in one day with a baby and toddler? No thanks.


This is no big deal.