Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child is only 6 and my MIL is not an angel but incompetent is not a word I will use to describe anyone who has raised an adult.

If you know no adults to whom that word pertains, be grateful

That MIL you are calling incompetent has done what she could in her own era with what she had, to raise her children, one of whom you are married to, so you have no right to call her incompetent at least not until you have raised one on your own. 20 to 30 years from now, come back and let's assess how competent you have been.

Not that PP, but: We need to recognize that some adults are incompetent to raise children into healthy, productive adults. Just because someone reached the age majority doesn't mean that the people who raised them are competent. Some adults are damaged. Others reached adulthood relatively unscathed because they had at least one competent parent or other grownups who helped them.

+1

PP here. I agree with this statement, mostly because it pertains to me, and most adults I know. I used to say that MIL is not a nice person - but that is an understatement. MIL is a nasty, bitter, abusive person who refuses to accept anyone who is different; and sees anyone who is different as a personal threat. Since I am not a psychiatrist, I am not equipped to handle her, or her nastiness. Nor do I deserve it. Maybe MIL does not respect herself well enough to respect others, but I do. There is no need for me to put myself in harm's way, or for her young grandchildren to see her in action.

Maybe, in your mind, this is acceptable behavior. Or maybe you are simply a similar person as MIL. Heck, perhaps you are her, for all I know. If you were, I would tell you that it would not kill you to not be so GD nasty, frankly. If having bragging rights to your bridge club, about your imagined drama, is so important to you - it will have to be about someone else. Not me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child is only 6 and my MIL is not an angel but incompetent is not a word I will use to describe anyone who has raised an adult.

If you know no adults to whom that word pertains, be grateful

That MIL you are calling incompetent has done what she could in her own era with what she had, to raise her children, one of whom you are married to, so you have no right to call her incompetent at least not until you have raised one on your own. 20 to 30 years from now, come back and let's assess how competent you have been.

Not that PP, but: We need to recognize that some adults are incompetent to raise children into healthy, productive adults. Just because someone reached the age majority doesn't mean that the people who raised them are competent. Some adults are damaged. Others reached adulthood relatively unscathed because they had at least one competent parent or other grownups who helped them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child is only 6 and my MIL is not an angel but incompetent is not a word I will use to describe anyone who has raised an adult.

If you know no adults to whom that word pertains, be grateful

That MIL you are calling incompetent has done what she could in her own era with what she had, to raise her children, one of whom you are married to, so you have no right to call her incompetent at least not until you have raised one on your own. 20 to 30 years from now, come back and let's assess how competent you have been.

I would feel differently if she were a minimally nice person. Not a lot to ask.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child is only 6 and my MIL is not an angel but incompetent is not a word I will use to describe anyone who has raised an adult.

If you know no adults to whom that word pertains, be grateful

That MIL you are calling incompetent has done what she could in her own era with what she had, to raise her children, one of whom you are married to, so you have no right to call her incompetent at least not until you have raised one on your own. 20 to 30 years from now, come back and let's assess how competent you have been.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH commented that his mother always made soup during blizzards and made sure each of her children had a flashlight at night in case the power went out. Are you planning your own tradition or will you follow your mother-in-law's practice?

Everyone's different. You do what's best for your own family.

+1

Do what is best, OP. Whether or not I wrote the above PP (I don't always keep track!) If your MIL is helpful and resourceful - embrace it. If not, then you know exactly what not to do. In other words, MIL could intend to be helpful (like most) or not - but MIL could end up being helpful, either way.

Anonymous wrote:My DH commented that his mother always made soup during blizzards and made sure each of her children had a flashlight at night in case the power went out. Are you planning your own tradition or will you follow your mother-in-law's practice?

Everyone's different. You do what's best for your own family.

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child is only 6 and my MIL is not an angel but incompetent is not a word I will use to describe anyone who has raised an adult.

If you know no adults to whom that word pertains, be grateful

My oldest child is only 6 and my MIL is not an angel but incompetent is not a word I will use to describe anyone who has raised an adult.

Anonymous wrote:To all those referring to your MIL as incompetent, did you realize she raised a man/woman that you like to be married to?

XMIL --She passed those traits onto him, which is why we divorced.

FMIL --She has a lot of undesirable character traits (for ex, complete inability to be nurturing), but she is one of the most competent women I have ever met. If I had to be stranded on a desert island with her or my own mom, I'd chose her. She'd McGuyver the shit out of the underwire from our bras and some coconut shells and we'd be rescued in no time.

Anonymous wrote:To all those referring to your MIL as incompetent, did you realize she raised a man/woman that you like to be married to?

DH takes after his dad. Is that so hard to understand? It is hard to respect a woman who is so checked out, and in her own world.

Then again, because of DH's mom, DH's dad was never home - so there are drawbacks, all around.

People like to think that other people's lives are perfect, I guess.

Some families are very insular, and don't want non-family to know what is happening behind closed doors. DH also learned this - you would think DH is the nicest guy in the world; but IRL, he has serious anger issues about both his mom and his dad, and the ramifications on DH's family. Just like DH's family is secretive, so is DH - in that you have to find out their issues on your own, over time. So it has been a long road.

But, DH does appreciate me, because I am opposite his mother, so there is that. It is pretty straightforward. His mom can be frustrating; the other ILs say the same (actually, the other ILs said so first, and are more harsh about MIL, and I did not want to believe it). There are some attributes that are hard to live with - but you don't realize it, until you do. Be grateful if your MIL is warm, welcoming, and not threatened by anything different - in which case, you have a gift.

To all those referring to your MIL as incompetent, did you realize she raised a man/woman that you like to be married to?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a clue what MIL did . . . Prob feed the kids wierd midwestern food that isn't food (plastic "American" cheese, etc). I'll pass.

+1

PP here. We have the same MIL. Plus my MIL is lazy to boot (she has always been this way), which makes me crazy, so I avoid her.

I think OP might be asking because our first (childhood) interactions with our parents tend to psychologically shape how our spouse handles situations. In other words, my MIL isn't very competent, so DH has that expectation of women. Until he met me. He knew I was the one, because I wasn't bumbling. I just try to have as much patience as possible with her. When I know I have run out of patience, I have Dh handle the situation. Besides, I have my own kids to take care of.

How romantic - I'd love to hear those wedding vows.

DH's mom is not very bright, and not very competent - so he knew what he did NOT want. Sometimes it is more impotent to know what to stay away from, than to make a huge list of "must haves". Most people don't know this, and never find their happiness. See your response above.

Huh? It was obviously a joke - I thought you would post a laughing face! You said he married you because you were "not bumbling" - Come on, that's funny!!

It is funny! PP here. I try to laugh, too - because this woman is something else. Sorry, sometimes it is difficult to tell sarcasm in writing for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a clue what MIL did . . . Prob feed the kids wierd midwestern food that isn't food (plastic "American" cheese, etc). I'll pass.

+1

PP here. We have the same MIL. Plus my MIL is lazy to boot (she has always been this way), which makes me crazy, so I avoid her.

I think OP might be asking because our first (childhood) interactions with our parents tend to psychologically shape how our spouse handles situations. In other words, my MIL isn't very competent, so DH has that expectation of women. Until he met me. He knew I was the one, because I wasn't bumbling. I just try to have as much patience as possible with her. When I know I have run out of patience, I have Dh handle the situation. Besides, I have my own kids to take care of.

How romantic - I'd love to hear those wedding vows.

DH's mom is not very bright, and not very competent - so he knew what he did NOT want. Sometimes it is more impotent to know what to stay away from, than to make a huge list of "must haves". Most people don't know this, and never find their happiness. See your response above.

Huh? It was obviously a joke - I thought you would post a laughing face! You said he married you because you were "not bumbling" - Come on, that's funny!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a clue what MIL did . . . Prob feed the kids wierd midwestern food that isn't food (plastic "American" cheese, etc). I'll pass.

+1

PP here. We have the same MIL. Plus my MIL is lazy to boot (she has always been this way), which makes me crazy, so I avoid her.

I think OP might be asking because our first (childhood) interactions with our parents tend to psychologically shape how our spouse handles situations. In other words, my MIL isn't very competent, so DH has that expectation of women. Until he met me. He knew I was the one, because I wasn't bumbling. I just try to have as much patience as possible with her. When I know I have run out of patience, I have Dh handle the situation. Besides, I have my own kids to take care of.

How romantic - I'd love to hear those wedding vows.

DH's mom is not very bright, and not very competent - so he knew what he did NOT want. Sometimes it is more impotent to know what to stay away from, than to make a huge list of "must haves". Most people don't know this, and never find their happiness. See your response above.

My oldest son and his girlfriend of several years just got engaged, so I'll soon be a MIL myself. If DS were ever to tell our lovely soon-to-be DIL how to prep for a snowstorm, I would say, "Darling, I'm so glad you have these happy, comforting memories of your childhood. Now, why don't you make some soup and get the kids some flashlights? Oh, but first, -- take your lovely wife a cup of tea -- or a cocoa with peppermint Schnapps, or whatever type of libation she would find comforting -- and tell her to relax while you deal with the wee ones."