Anonymous wrote:On this finding an AP question when in these sexually vacuous marriages, one poster above suggested to women to hand out at Starbucks and look friendly. As a married guy who has many times told his wife I wish I could find someone to have an affair, I still have a hard time imagining myself walking up to a pretty woman in a Starbucks, smiling and asking if a seat is taken to start a conversation. Do married guys wearing rings actually do this. As much as I would not feel the least bit guilty about having an affair, I think I would still feel concerned about a stranger rejecting me, lecturing me about being a sleeze, etc. Really, advice from men or women on how this has really worked to find a partner for an affectionate affair would be most welcome.

If you are looking for a female AP, it's not about approaching random women. Sure, there are a few out there it would work on, but most women have their guard up out in public and the chances of a married woman giving their phone number to a stranger is near zero.

You need to make a genuine connection with a woman first. Do you see all these threads on "I am obsessed with my co-worker, doctor, DH's friend, etc.?" Followed by "I am not normally the one to cheat, but I can't get this man out of my head." Those are the married women having affairs. They will usually say "I never intended for this to get this far"

You are putting the cart before the horse. First, you need to be the man other women want to be near. Handsome, genuinely charming, funny or fun to be around. Let an organic connection foster. Their are a lot of lonely women out there.

If this sounds like a lot of work to get laid, it is. As a veteran of affairs, they almost always get to the point where its far more of a headache than worth it. And you will end up in a situation that is hard to break out of because feelings get tangled. So think about what you want.

If you want to just get laid, find an escort (seriously). If you are looking for a real non-professional woman to just meet you at starbucks and go home with you, sign up on Ashley Madison with the rest of the delusional men who believe there are an army of women out there looking for just sex.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you lack confidence and game to find a new partner. Maybe this is part of the issue with not getting sex at home? You really should hit the gym, lose weight, work on self improvement and having fun activities. This are basic essentials of being attractive to the opposite sex, whether that winds up being your spouse, or a new partner.

No empty threats at all. It was sharing very important information that my wife needed to know: her status quo was over and I was demanding she work with me to fix the sexless marriage, or if she would not do that, I would be finding a new girlfriend. Not a threat, but the honest truth. I most definitely would have done that. I can't survive and be happy in a sexless relationship.

Dude, some things cannot be helped by gym and fun activities. It's not a matter of confidence; it's a matter of knowing your limitations. I know I will never meet (let alone attract) a partner I would be interested in enough to break up my marriage. We live in different worlds, if you know what I mean. That door is closed, and nothing will change that.

I'm a middle-aged female, so my perspective is probably different from yours.

Anonymous wrote:On this finding an AP question when in these sexually vacuous marriages, one poster above suggested to women to hand out at Starbucks and look friendly. As a married guy who has many times told his wife I wish I could find someone to have an affair, I still have a hard time imagining myself walking up to a pretty woman in a Starbucks, smiling and asking if a seat is taken to start a conversation. Do married guys wearing rings actually do this. As much as I would not feel the least bit guilty about having an affair, I think I would still feel concerned about a stranger rejecting me, lecturing me about being a sleeze, etc. Really, advice from men or women on how this has really worked to find a partner for an affectionate affair would be most welcome.

Guys do this all the time. Sometimes it's just friendly, sometimes they're testing the water to see how receptive I am. It's called having a conversation. I wouldn't recommend sitting down with someone and saying "Hi, my name is Dave. See the ring? Don't worry about it. I've told my wife many times I wish I could find someone to have an affair. Are you going to be the lucky lady?"

You tel your wife regularly that you wish you could have an affair? That's messed up.

On this finding an AP question when in these sexually vacuous marriages, one poster above suggested to women to hand out at Starbucks and look friendly. As a married guy who has many times told his wife I wish I could find someone to have an affair, I still have a hard time imagining myself walking up to a pretty woman in a Starbucks, smiling and asking if a seat is taken to start a conversation. Do married guys wearing rings actually do this. As much as I would not feel the least bit guilty about having an affair, I think I would still feel concerned about a stranger rejecting me, lecturing me about being a sleeze, etc. Really, advice from men or women on how this has really worked to find a partner for an affectionate affair would be most welcome.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow... this is really depressing to read.
Im obviously in a similar situation. Been living with a GF for about 2 years, it was great at the beginning but sex life has somehow faded, my sex drive is still high could do it every night, she can go without it for a week or 2. We do it roghly 2x a week because I want it and have to initiate almost every time. Once a year sounds like the worst nightmare

Tried to talk but she gets really defensive and upset if I bring up me being sexually lonely... I hate to admit it but I cheated to get some elsewhere. I feel bad about it but since talking didnt help I just did it.

Almost every day I think about just breaking this off

Hello, its your future writing in. You were too chicken to break it off and break her heart so you married her. She got pregnant twice, you had sex 7 times in 2 years, then barely at all when the kids were young. You had two affairs, one with the crazy waitress at the bar, who flipped out and ratted you to your wife who left you and now you see your kids part time and live in a small apartment while she kept the house.

Back to the present. You aren't compatible. Break it off.

Holy crap. I bow down to your greatness. You are spot on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is just sad! Anybody living in a sexless marriage has only him/herself to blame. I could NOT live in my sexless marriage. Guess what I did? I manned-the-F up and told her we better "fix" this immediately otherwise she must choose between me remaining married or monogamous. Guess what SHE did? Suddenly "found" her lost libido, and we've stayed married with a normal sex life ever since.

Moral to this story: do NOT just wait for something to change. YOU must act, and you must be willing to risk the marriage to actually save it.

Okay. But blackmailing a partner into sex is not appealing to everyone. One of the PPs said it felt unnatural and forced, and I believe that it would feel like this to most people. The fact that it's okay with you does not speak very well of you.

As far as blame, I never think about blame in marriage. It is too subjective of a concept to be useful in a relationship.

I agree. No wonder the PP's wife doesn't enjoy sex.

Sounds like you lack confidence and game to find a new partner. Maybe this is part of the issue with not getting sex at home? You really should hit the gym, lose weight, work on self improvement and having fun activities. This are basic essentials of being attractive to the opposite sex, whether that winds up being your spouse, or a new partner.

No empty threats at all. It was sharing very important information that my wife needed to know: her status quo was over and I was demanding she work with me to fix the sexless marriage, or if she would not do that, I would be finding a new girlfriend. Not a threat, but the honest truth. I most definitely would have done that. I can't survive and be happy in a sexless relationship.

Anonymous wrote:^^ apparently I know more than you. I *was* in a sexless marriage but now I am enjoying a decently normal sexlife.

What worked for you will not necessarily work for everybody else. It is not always easy or even possible to find another partner who is 100% worth turning your otherwise comfortable life upside down. Empty threats are just that.

^^ apparently I know more than you. I *was* in a sexless marriage but now I am enjoying a decently normal sexlife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is just sad! Anybody living in a sexless marriage has only him/herself to blame. I could NOT live in my sexless marriage. Guess what I did? I manned-the-F up and told her we better "fix" this immediately otherwise she must choose between me remaining married or monogamous. Guess what SHE did? Suddenly "found" her lost libido, and we've stayed married with a normal sex life ever since.

Moral to this story: do NOT just wait for something to change. YOU must act, and you must be willing to risk the marriage to actually save it.

+1

Not communicating is just foolish!

Some of us have done that. Maybe it's not that simple of an answer for people experiencing this. Glad that worked for you.

If you really have already done this, then congratulations on returning from a forced celibate life.
So this sex you're now having: is it with your spouse? Or did it become an open marriage?
If you answered NO to both questions, then you didn't actually follow my approach.

I've done it and we are still not having sex. It's a process. Don't be so narrow minded in your understand of people their history and environments that shape who they are.

No, you haven't done it. Because if you REALLY had clearly communicated that no sex is a total deal breaker to your vow of monogamy, and upon your spouse then hearing your direct and honest message, "hey this is a really big deal, no joke, serious business, if we don't fix this right now I will be going outside the marriage for sex", if STILL your spouse ignores this sincere plea to save the marriage, well then it is clear how unimportant you are and that your spouse does not really care about your important needs. At which point, you would have gone out and found a new sex partner exactly as you had predicted.

Obviously then you've skipped a step or 2 if you are still living sexfree.

Oh, shut the eff up. You don't know shit.