Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 17:40     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
Don't do it. When I first got married I did love my husband but I realize now it was because I felt secure and knew he would never hurt me (after having been hurt before). Our relationship slowly deteriorated until we became basically roommates. Thankfully, we didn't have kids, so our divorce was pretty easy. Though I've never been a hopeless romantic, I've now been dating someone for 2 years who I am crazy about, and I imagine all those silly little details and get excited for them. Don't settle. You deserve better.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2016 00:26     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
Yep. I was not in the Princess bride camp either. Wearing a beautiful white dress, being the center of attention, getting excited about changing my name. None of this was high on my list, although I had a church wedding for my family. But, I did know with absolute certainty that I wanted to spend my life with DH, and I looked forward to starting our life together, to starting a family and becoming a family, to buying a home and making it our own. and to having a partner-- for chores and for date nights. These are the substantive things (although what is substantive is person specific). 17 years and 2 kids later, I've never seriously thought getting married was a mistake. So they question is, are you not excited about the wedding, or about the marriage. If it's the former-- who cares, it's one day. If it's the later, time to really rethink the path you're on.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 23:47     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
Anonymous wrote:where is OP? Not one comment???


Maybe the comment about being in 'incognito' mode or she'll be found out freaked her out
Isn't everyone in incognito mode? That was kind of mean
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 13:41     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Being someone's wife, getting married, sharing a name, none of those things caught my fancy either. I was more thinking about who I wanted with me in 5, 20, 50 years.


Same here. Like PPs, I also didn't buy into the whole wedding industry thing. Getting married seem a natural evolution of our relationship. I was giddy at that start of the relationship and, thankfully, the fire burned down to embers because that kind of passion/giddiness isn't sustainable in the long run. We've been married 20 years and those embers can still be kindled quickly. I also didn't change my name.

Not clear to me whether it's the wedding or the message that is your problem. If you're not content/happy with the idea of being together in 5, 20, 50 years, don't get married.


Yup, this. Especially the bolded.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 13:02     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For some reason, I am not excited about marrying my fiancé. I don't spend hours thinking about how my name wil sound with his last name or dream of being his Mrs or anything like that. I'm not giddy at the thought of walking down the aisle or something.

He's a great guy who I know will be an excellent husband. I just can't get excited to marry him.



OP I was like you I didn't doodle our names together or spend hours dreaming of me walking down the aisle.

I dated plenty of great guys who are likely great husbands to someone the difference is when it came to my now DH as not just a great guy but as a very specific person I wanted in my life. I saw him as the one I wanted to parent children with, I saw him as someone I wanted beside when times were tough etc.

I was excited to marry him in the sense of it being our official start of life together, but there was no twirling around in the mirror for me .

Nearly 10 years in and I still feel the same way.

I guess what I'm saying not feeling giddy about your dress or changing your name isn't an automatic red flag.
But, if you don't have any feelings about him that are specific to him, that makes him special to you, you may want to take some time to figure out if he'd for you or if you're marrying him because he's good enough and you've been dating X amount of time.
Marriage is really, really, really hard don't do it if you aren't 100% sure.


This is great. If you think, "Oh, he'll make a good husband," that's a problem. If you think, "I'm really looking forward to building a family with him," or "I'm so glad this person is going to be in my life forever," or something specific to him. I wasn't giddy and twirling, either, but I did think about the specific things I liked about my husband, got excited thinking about the specific trips we would take together and how much fun it would be to explore X city with him, thought about the ways that we complemented each other, etc. When I read a great book, I would look forward to talking with him about it. When I saw something I thought he'd like, I would look forward to sharing it with him.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2016 12:56     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
Anonymous wrote:I advise you to postpone the wedding awhile more.

Reason being, you are having some doubts already. These may be valid ones too that are just now coming to the surface and may be caused by age, experience and/or pressure.

A bride should expect her wedding day to be the best day ever in her life thus far. She should feel like a princess all day and expect to make wonderful memories for the rest of her life.

And the idea of being Mrs. ______ should be exciting just in thought.

If you seriously have zero anticipation when thinking of walking down that aisle, don't do it.

Allow yourself more time to be engaged and look at your relationship as a whole to determine if this is in fact what you truly want.

Hope this helps.


This is ridiculous.

OP, I agree with others that it's not clear whether you're not excited about the wedding, or the marriage. The walking down the aisle/how your names sound together actually sounds like pretty immature stuff, really. I never dreamed about those things, either. But I was really happy to be marrying my husband, it was just that the wedding wasn't the focus of that happiness.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2016 20:05     Subject: I'm not sure if I want to marry my fiancé
A sign of depression is losing the ability to look forward to things. i wants to look forward to Christmas this year but nothing. Just felt blah.

What about other things in your life? Are you excited about anything else? If it all feels numb, talk to a doctor