Was the ex's offer made in good faith?

Anonymous wrote:Um, if I had only 50% custody of my kids, there is no way I would give up any of my time with them, regardless of what else was going on. Yes, nice that his ex-wife offered, but are you actually faulting your husband for not giving up his time with his kids to sit in the hospital with you? Would you want that down the road if he divorces you and marries someone else and his third wife is on hospital bedrest? He's a good dad. And as for school or work, sure he may not have had specific times he had to be there, but juggling both (plus kids! plus knowing a new baby is on the way!) is HARD. I don't know about you or your DH, but when I take time off work, it isn't like someone else does it for me. The work just builds up!

+1

Anonymous wrote:Are you an only child, Op?

Enough with the sterotypes...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/only-child-facts-only-children_56253caae4b0bce347019ae5

OP, that is the issue you need to work on here first and foremost.

COMMUNICATION.

You have stated that you haven't talked to your DH how you feel, then if you keep it bottled up inside things will never have a chance to get rectified.

He is not a mind reader, he may think that you are okay with things and have zero idea that you actually feel this way.

When you two can find some quiet time alone, without any form of distraction....Let him know how you feel about his behavior during your hospital stay. Allow him to explain his side of things and do not word your sentences as if you are blaming him.

Hopefully you both can work this out and come to some form of clarity.

But unless you open up to him, you will feel like this forever. And the longer you hold it all in, the worse you will feel in the long run.

Good luck to both of you.

Um, if I had only 50% custody of my kids, there is no way I would give up any of my time with them, regardless of what else was going on. Yes, nice that his ex-wife offered, but are you actually faulting your husband for not giving up his time with his kids to sit in the hospital with you? Would you want that down the road if he divorces you and marries someone else and his third wife is on hospital bedrest? He's a good dad. And as for school or work, sure he may not have had specific times he had to be there, but juggling both (plus kids! plus knowing a new baby is on the way!) is HARD. I don't know about you or your DH, but when I take time off work, it isn't like someone else does it for me. The work just builds up!

OP, I had an issue similar to this with my DH, and we have had our discussions and I have come to terms with something; just want to share with you:

My DH is a GREAT guy. He is a sucky nurse. I also believe many, many (straight) men are sucky nurses; in general, women are so much better at this then men are.

It does not mean he doesn't care. Don't take it as symbolic that he doesn't care. It's very probable that he tries in ways that you don't appreciate (e.g. "well I washed the car for you").

So have your talk with him, so he "learns" what you think should be innate; how to care for a sick wife. Also you need to learn that he'll never live up to your standards on this, so be ok with accepting less, or having to re-teach him periodically.

Also, coming to terms with this (for me) meant realizing that he won't be the old man hovering over me if I get sick in my old age--I'll need to hire someone and/or get help from (one of my two DDs--the other will be as worthless as DH on this issue).

Yes at first I was disappointed, but you know, we have a great marriage of almost 20 years, and we are crazy about each other, and I really have grown with respect to understanding this and OP, please do not blow it out of proportion. But yes, talk to him.

OP, you've GOT to make your needs clear when you need them. You should have asked him to stay more. Men aren't mind readers. If you want married and coparenting to work, this is critical.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh the drama, OP!
He should have abandoned his kids, his work, his online study, ... you felt abandoned... really?

Well he could have taken his ex up on her generous offer to watch the kids for a couple extra days, and completed his schoolwork on his laptop while hanging out at the hospital with his wife. I don't think OP would be so upset if it was just about DH taking care of the essential stuff in his life.

He is right to not give up weekends with his kids just before a new half-sibling shows up. It speaks well of him.

Those kids are the essential stuff in his life.

OP first of all you need to communicate with your husband and not simmer.

Second, as a parent in a blended family I need to give you my perspective about your husband's responsibilities to his other kids.

I have an 11-year-old. Her dad is remarried and has a four-year-old and a 1-year-old. My child had a tough transition when they came along. It's not just about being a new sibling -- which is a big deal. It's that she knew those kids would be in one house 100% of the time while she goes between two homes. Those kids got their mother 100% of the time while she doesn't (we're close). She went from being her stepmother's closest thing to a child to her stepmother actually giving birth like I did.

Your husband's two kids will never have the home life your new baby has. They will never have their parents live together. It's his responsibility to do everything in his power to show them they haven't been displaced.

I recommend you do a little perspective taking here and consider who really is at risk for feeling short changed. Then be grateful your husband is doing what he can to make the situation as good as it can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh the drama, OP!
He should have abandoned his kids, his work, his online study, ... you felt abandoned... really?

Well he could have taken his ex up on her generous offer to watch the kids for a couple extra days, and completed his schoolwork on his laptop while hanging out at the hospital with his wife. I don't think OP would be so upset if it was just about DH taking care of the essential stuff in his life.

He is right to not give up weekends with his kids just before a new half-sibling shows up. It speaks well of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP.

I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way.

We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then.

Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now.

Wow, OP, expecting him to give up his weekend with his kids is insane. He only is with them 50 percent of the time, and the other fifty percent he is all yours. You sound like a selfish princess.

Just kill it with all the mean girl bullshit. Alone in a health scare while pregnant is enormously stressful and terrifying, and I'd say that biology dictates a mother thinking solely of herself and her child. You can't know how you'd feel unless you're in it, and she can be forgiven for wanting more support from the child's other parent.

The issue now is how to move forward.

I'm curious what would have been an acceptable amount of time op? Did he need to spend 2 hours? Visit 1 hr 2x daily? 6 hrs on weekends? What was your desired number op?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh the drama, OP!
He should have abandoned his kids, his work, his online study, ... you felt abandoned... really?

Well he could have taken his ex up on her generous offer to watch the kids for a couple extra days, and completed his schoolwork on his laptop while hanging out at the hospital with his wife. I don't think OP would be so upset if it was just about DH taking care of the essential stuff in his life.

Well, I don't think that anything that OP has said WASN'T an essential thing.

Let's be honest - OP could have used her words to communicate during those weeks that she was feeling abandoned, lonely and bored.

So let's consider the alternative side:

Maybe DH didn't make extended visits was thinking of other things related to his job eg. Needing to take extra leave if baby was born early and there were other complications and there was now a baby in NICU and extra support actually requires. Sounds like OP was otherwise stable in hospital and other than hand holding, there wasn't a lot to be done.

Maybe the other children are already having trouble adapting to a stepmother and new baby on the way and he was trying to alleviate their fears and not shake up their lives (which inevitably WILL be shaken up without doubt once new baby is born).

Maybe he was trying to focus and complete as much coursework as he could so when baby was born, he might have a little wiggle room to help with day to day stuff.

The problems in life always leas to assumptions, and the problems with any assumptions about another person's frame of mind is that usually, assumptions can be wrong.

See, I would probably stab my DH in the eye if he compromised our future by neglecting work or schoolwork to come visit me for extra time while I was safe and stable in the hospital for weeks on end. If he visited once a day, checked in by text, and downloaded stuff to our iTunes account for me, and otherwise took responsibility for the team, I'd happy. But OP wasn't, which is okay. But she didn't seem to communicate that, and three months on, she still hasn't communicated it. Unless she married a mind reader, I'm not sure how he was just supposed to know if she wanted him there or not.

Are you an only child, Op?

Maybe he wanted to save up leave for when the baby was here?