It's not your responsibility, but a show of love and respect in a marital relationships. It just show you are selfish. He works to support the family financially, and you can't even make dinner for him. Would it be OK with you if he just eat dinner out by himself and your child, every day?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

Huh? Where did you see this? One of those 1950s how to be a good housewife books? "Make sure his slippers and a cocktail are waiting by the door for him."

Personally I do more household things now because I have some free time (yay preschool three mornings a week!) and I don't mind. But it's a nice extra, not a must do.

OP if you do go to the store you could pick up some food for your DH. Ask him for a list. Prepared foods might be a good option.

No. It's common sense. This idea that SAHM means nothing else than intensive mothering is a bizarre (and lazy) derivative of the role. You can outsource nannying, so the person who stays home really does need to run the household. If all you want to be is a nanny, that's just really strange. It has nothing to do with 1950s stereotypes and everything to do with keeping a household (and family) functioning.

No one with a 12-month-old should have difficulty preparing simple meals or keeping up with housework (at the very least, keep your work space clean). If these tasks are too difficult, you're doing the mothering piece wrong.

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Hi, OP. When I first met DH, I owned a business and either ate out or out of a can, whatever was convenient. I did not cook, not that I didn't want to, I just didn't have the time or motivation. 15 yrs later, I'm SAH with a 10 yr old and a man who brings home the bacon, also with a man who was raised in an old fashion home where mom cooked. Over the years, I've taught myself how to cook and, yes, I'd consider it part of my "job description" if you want to put it that way. Having said that, if my DH was disrespectful or "expected" me to do it, I'd likely dump a can of chick peas on his head, but he's not. He offers to take us out as often as we want, he does all the cooking when we camp or boat and he appreciates and loves it when I do make a meal, which is motivating. At the end of the day, we all have to bring something to the party. Are you?

Your division of labor is what you make of it. DH and I have both had periods where we have been the "at home" parent, and typically the person at home did the meal prep, although I always did the meal planning and grocery shopping. I like doing it, and he sees it as a chore.
However, I never felt like it was my job to do his laundry or ironing, and he never did mine, which a lot of people would put under the "SAH parent" responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again, I agree with y'all on healthy family dinners and modeling for DS and all that good stuff. I was thinking that would all time nicely with our son starting a few hours of pre-school. Still really appreciating all the great suggestions!

Your child probably won't be in preschool five days a week until he's at least three, probably closer to four. Is the kid not going to get healthy, balanced meals on a consistent basis until then? If you're not cooking proper dinners now, you're really not doing right by your child because at 12 months they're old enough for proper meals. It is incredibly quick and easy to lightly season some chicken breasts and throw them in the oven for 30 minutes. Sure, that's not the most interesting way to prepare chicken, but it's the easiest and it will provide soft enough chicken that you can shred some for your child to work on. While that's baking, you could add a couple of frozen biscuits to bake up. Then get one of those bags of microwave steamable veggies, and throw that in when the other stuff has just a few minutes left. If you pick the right veggies, they'll be soft enough to cut into small pieces that your child can try to eat. And then you have a dinner of chicken, vegetable and biscuit for yourself and your husband.

More broadly, though, it sounds like your real problem is that you and your DH aren't on the same page about what your role as a SAHM is, and that's something you guys really need to work out. It's not something you get to unilaterally decide, given that your lack of an income affects both of you. To be frank, you'll find yourself very much in the minority if you declare your only responsibility to be childcare. Most SAHMs also take on the lion's share of house cleaning, errands, meal planning/prep, and other chores that can be done during the week. You have one child who is 12 months old, so unless there are some significant special needs you haven't shared with us, you absolutely have the capacity to take this other stuff on. You don't need to be on the floor playing with your child every moment, nor should you be -- a little independent play time is very good for him developmentally. If you take on more of the work, then you and your husband could have some free time during evenings and weekends to do something together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Homemaker"? "Running the household"? Are you people under 65?

I am currently staying home with my kids while they are young and I have taken more of the burden of household crap, but that's not my "job". I just do it because I have a little more time at home and don't mind. Trying to make things easier for all of us. But it's not MY JOB.

7:21 here: I'm 49 and have three kids. I said not per se. In the warmer periods, DH will use the grill or I will. It's just more practical for me to plan dinner. Also, DH is exhausted from work/commuting when he gets home to be with us.

Everybody, a positive, loving attitude is key to "making a home" too! Why would anybody -- man or woman because I know several one income gay families, too, BTW -- want to come home to people as snarky as some DCUM posters?

Make home life a joy, not a drag.

Your DH is exhausted from sitting in a car listening to adult music. He sounds like the biggest baby of them all.

Let's see how exhausted he'd be caring for a baby and a toddler 12 hrs a day x 5 days a week.

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband do for dinner then? Does he make a single meal for himself? What are you doing when he does that? I'm trying to picture your evenings and I can't see you every single night having a potato and diet coke. Do you really just make a meal for yourself and not your husband?
By the way, I'm a mom of three who works and yes DH does have dinner ready most nights. Mostly a salad and chicken, etc. There are nights we make dinner together for everyone.
I frankly think you are missing out on making dinner a happy, family occasion.

There's no "normal" currently. DH travels a lot, about half the month. I cook once a week. He cooks once a week, we do take out, etc cobble stuff together.

Anonymous wrote:"Homemaker"? "Running the household"? Are you people under 65?

I am currently staying home with my kids while they are young and I have taken more of the burden of household crap, but that's not my "job". I just do it because I have a little more time at home and don't mind. Trying to make things easier for all of us. But it's not MY JOB.

Haha. I agree. I never would have quit my job to SAH and cook and clean for dh. I quit working to SAH and care for our kids. It just so happens that cooking/housework/grocery shopping were my usual duties pre-kids so it was already within our division of labor. But I'm no Donna Reed and, honey, if you don't think that floor is clean enough - there's the mop. Have at.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What's your damage, Heather?" Yes, most stay at home moms cook dinner for the family. I don't say this to be rude, but if you ate healthier than a diet Coke and baked potato you might have more energy.

Why not eat your cheese and crackers for lunch but then make a balanced, nutritious meal for yourself and your husband so you can reconnect after being apart all day? It's really shitty that after being "on" at work all day he turned around and had to go to the grocery store.

Why is it shitty though? We are both working all day. We start our days at the same time, around 6 am. Except his job involves going to the office. My job involves the work of caring for the child (and prepping 4 meals a day for him btw). When we were both working at an office -a mere 11 months ago-there wasn't the expectation that I make meals 5x per week. We both just managed-went out, grabbed something on the way home, each of cooked when we felt like etc. but now that my "workplace" is in the house I am in charge of dinner every night...

I do keep the house spotless and do all the cleaning, just because I like a clean house, but in theory I think that should also be a shared responsibility.

I could see once our son starts spending a few hours a day in school or pre-k, but right now we are "working" the same hours (6pm is when baby goes down and when DS goes to sleep). So why isn't dinner a shared responsibility?

Not PP, but I'm a SAHM who has had to let the practical outweigh the theoretical, and it's made my life much easier. Yes, the personal is political, but things are different now - you're running a household now and the period in your life of "just grabbing something" for dinner has passed.

How do you want your life to look? If your husband doesn't get home from the office until six and he's responsible for meal preparation, you're not going to eat until seven. What time does your son go to bed? Someone has to do that routine too. Frankly, it sounds like you're resentful of SAH - if that's the case, go back to work and hire a nanny who does meal prep. Done.

Anonymous wrote:"Homemaker"? "Running the household"? Are you people under 65?

I am currently staying home with my kids while they are young and I have taken more of the burden of household crap, but that's not my "job". I just do it because I have a little more time at home and don't mind. Trying to make things easier for all of us. But it's not MY JOB.

7:21 here: I'm 49 and have three kids. I said not per se. In the warmer periods, DH will use the grill or I will. It's just more practical for me to plan dinner. Also, DH is exhausted from work/commuting when he gets home to be with us.

Everybody, a positive, loving attitude is key to "making a home" too! Why would anybody -- man or woman because I know several one income gay families, too, BTW -- want to come home to people as snarky as some DCUM posters?

Make home life a joy, not a drag.

What does your husband do for dinner then? Does he make a single meal for himself? What are you doing when he does that? I'm trying to picture your evenings and I can't see you every single night having a potato and diet coke. Do you really just make a meal for yourself and not your husband?
By the way, I'm a mom of three who works and yes DH does have dinner ready most nights. Mostly a salad and chicken, etc. There are nights we make dinner together for everyone.
I frankly think you are missing out on making dinner a happy, family occasion.

Pretty soon you can make cooking a project for you both. He can stir and put things in the bowl or hold the bowl. He won't be that useful but you can keep him entertained while cooking.

Blue Apron can be super high maintenance. If you do want to cook more go for simple. Not something that requires so much prep or dirtying pots/pans.

I think it's just easier and less expensive to eat healthy meals at home. If dh had to grab food for himself on his way home every night or bring home take out for the kids our food bill would be astronomical. Our grocery bill is already pretty huge with two teenage boys. Thank goodness for being able to buy meat and staples in bulk at Costco and the like.

Anonymous wrote:^^
we take a healthy walk after dinner most nights, too, to model good exercise habits!

Oops! I'm 7:21! Talk about a popular thread.