Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many of the people harshing here on OP have spouses with jobs of wildly different and lower professional stature? And how many can relate to OPs situation, where she thought she was marrying one type of person and he turned out to be a different type?

OP, is he really lazy, or does he just work in these unskilled/less skilled jobs but still works hard? Does he work full-time? Are his computer skills outdated by now? I'm assuming the waiter jobs aren't at high-end places where good service can be complex and remunerative?

That's exactly why he stopped looking for jobs. He was out of the field for about five years and then started getting interviews again. He bombed them all. Fell flat on his face. Said he didn't even know what they were asking with some of the questions. He tried to read up, but was overwhelmed. Doesn't feel like he can catch up now. I think he can, but will need to go back to school.

I just posted about my "over-degreed" DH. Be careful what you wish for there - my DH went back for his masters and never got a job after that either, only now I have another thousand a month in his student loans to deal with.

What is his masters in so I don't go back to school and make the same dumb assessed mistake?

Sadly, computer science. The problem is the man, not the degree. I love him, but he is ruining our family.

No the problem is rampant ageism and anti-family policies in tech, computer science, and programming. Your DH are out of luck unless they provide some personal connections or are experts in intellectual capital the company depends on. Being over 30 and with a family hit highly trained in tech is WORTHLESS. Maybe look into consulting though they will travel and you will never see them again; maybe degree in accounting?

Our economy is winner take all at an early age, if you stumble it is far far harder to make it up now because ageism is pretty rampant.

Since when is over 30 too old to work anywhere?? how would he get into consulting?

You're "old" much sooner in programming/tech.

What are you even tAlking about? My husband is 46 and never has a problem finding IT jobs.

So many on this thread are saying ageism is rampant. What field could the OPs husband or anyone over 30 transition to that wouldnt be focused on age when hiring?

Anonymous wrote:^^^ Then what are you waiting for?

I have children, we have history, and I'm not big on "quitting" if there is a hope that he can turn it around.

^^^ Then what are you waiting for?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1 that there are the right questions to ask. My DH, who I met in college and was working when we married, has a JD and a Master's and is currently a SAHD that doesn't even keep up with the house or kids all that well but knows a LOT about video games and his hobbies. He is only a SAHD because he lost his job and didn't even try to find anything else.

I work 60-80 hours a week and have to nag him to do even the most basic thing. But for the kids, I would be out in a moment, not because he doesn't fulfill some SES need but because he is not truly a partner. Instead of the motivated person I married, he is horribly lazy and selfish. It just isn't clear from your post whether that is true of your DH or not...

So he checked off all your on paper boxes and now you feel deceived. I hope this serves as a valuable lessons to your fellow money grubbing broads.

+1

"I just want an equal partner" == "I am entitled to a man whose socioeconomic status is equal to or greater than my own."


The best women (and men, too) are internally motivated. They don't feel "embarrassed" by their spouse's job because they have their own career and hobbies and passions.

PP here - a reading comprehension fail yet again. Let me try this in more basic terms. You meet and marry a nice woman and decide to get married. She has her own "career and hobbies and passions," as do you. You appreciate that about her and want her to be happy. You get married, and she then loses her job. You're totally fine with that, but then she sits on the couch and doesn't look for a job or pursue those old hobbies or passions. She just plays candy crush. Then the house starts getting dirtier and dirtier, and you realize that the baby may have stayed in the crib all day at least two days a week. In the meantime, the financial pressure from the situation has made you up your hours at work, such that you no longer have time for your own hobbies and passions. Instead, you spend your nights cleaning and trying to get your wife out of her funk. Rinse and repeat for several years.

I would be overjoyed if my DH wanted to be a waiter or do anything that involved showing up on time and having an adult conversation once in a while. I do not need him to have "socioeconomic status equal to or greater than my own" in any way. I usually don't swipe back, but you're really off base here, about me and a lot of women. Yes, people change during a marriage, and I am obviously still married "for richer or for poorer," but when a spouse stops trying at life, that is pretty fundamental and very different from being the snooty golddigger some people seem to hellbent on portraying people in our shoes as.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1 that there are the right questions to ask. My DH, who I met in college and was working when we married, has a JD and a Master's and is currently a SAHD that doesn't even keep up with the house or kids all that well but knows a LOT about video games and his hobbies. He is only a SAHD because he lost his job and didn't even try to find anything else.

I work 60-80 hours a week and have to nag him to do even the most basic thing. But for the kids, I would be out in a moment, not because he doesn't fulfill some SES need but because he is not truly a partner. Instead of the motivated person I married, he is horribly lazy and selfish. It just isn't clear from your post whether that is true of your DH or not...

So he checked off all your on paper boxes and now you feel deceived. I hope this serves as a valuable lessons to your fellow money grubbing broads.

+1

"I just want an equal partner" == "I am entitled to a man whose socioeconomic status is equal to or greater than my own."


The best women (and men, too) are internally motivated. They don't feel "embarrassed" by their spouse's job because they have their own career and hobbies and passions.

Sounds like you've already put up with it for 15 years. I think now's a little late to ask yourself this question.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like too many here take the marriage vow too literally.

You married a complete person BUT if too much changes then you should tell that person that you are not happy with the changes in them and that they must address them. If not then that person should bail.

I am on wife #2 because wife #1 turned into a lazy, overweight, negative person.

I told her change or I'm gone. Kids were already in college and now like not love wife #2 more than mother.

Everyday you need to earn others affection. Stop trying and it shows.

People put their best foot forward while dating, often misrepresenting who they really are. Then after marrying their attitude is f' it, this is who I am, too bad. Unfortunately, as with the pp who is married to the slacker JD/master's degree holder, people get away with what you allow them to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people just give up looking for work because they clash with their superiors a lot or hate the fakeness or nepotism in job interviewing. I lost track of how many employers had called me in for a job interview only to tell me at the end of the second interviews they had a recommended hire or someone whose already with the business. There really is no respect for job applicants time and effort with employers and all this can get down job seekers.

I had an excellent pair of interviews about 2.5-3 weeks ago. They told me they'd let me know their decision in about 1-2 weeks.

It's now been 2.5 weeks and I have a feeling they won't be telling me anything next week, either. Another company did the same to me about a year ago, had me do two interviews, but then didn't even bother to get back to me AT ALL, other than a snippy "we're still considering candidates" when I asked about a month later.

Frustrating, and rude and unprofessional, beyond belief.

Welcome to the new normal of the global economy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1 that there are the right questions to ask. My DH, who I met in college and was working when we married, has a JD and a Master's and is currently a SAHD that doesn't even keep up with the house or kids all that well but knows a LOT about video games and his hobbies. He is only a SAHD because he lost his job and didn't even try to find anything else.

I work 60-80 hours a week and have to nag him to do even the most basic thing. But for the kids, I would be out in a moment, not because he doesn't fulfill some SES need but because he is not truly a partner. Instead of the motivated person I married, he is horribly lazy and selfish. It just isn't clear from your post whether that is true of your DH or not...

So he checked off all your on paper boxes and now you feel deceived. I hope this serves as a valuable lessons to your fellow money grubbing broads.

I'm money grubbing for not wanting to give a man almost 40 a video game allowance and wanting to see my kids instead of working more than 12 hours a day? Um, no.

Seems like too many here take the marriage vow too literally.

You married a complete person BUT if too much changes then you should tell that person that you are not happy with the changes in them and that they must address them. If not then that person should bail.

I am on wife #2 because wife #1 turned into a lazy, overweight, negative person.

I told her change or I'm gone. Kids were already in college and now like not love wife #2 more than mother.

Everyday you need to earn others affection. Stop trying and it shows.

Anonymous wrote:I think people just give up looking for work because they clash with their superiors a lot or hate the fakeness or nepotism in job interviewing. I lost track of how many employers had called me in for a job interview only to tell me at the end of the second interviews they had a recommended hire or someone whose already with the business. There really is no respect for job applicants time and effort with employers and all this can get down job seekers.

I had an excellent pair of interviews about 2.5-3 weeks ago. They told me they'd let me know their decision in about 1-2 weeks.

It's now been 2.5 weeks and I have a feeling they won't be telling me anything next week, either. Another company did the same to me about a year ago, had me do two interviews, but then didn't even bother to get back to me AT ALL, other than a snippy "we're still considering candidates" when I asked about a month later.

Frustrating, and rude and unprofessional, beyond belief.

Anonymous wrote:
ALL women I know when they first met their husbands first talked about his job or degree or where he went to school:

"He works for NASA, you know"

"He's a frat boy from Duke"

He works for the NSA"


These were all some of the first sentences my friends used to describe their now husbands upon first meeting them. If a guy does not have an impressive/lucrative job, they wouldn't look twice at him.

Pretty much, which is why I don't feel the least bit sorry for these superficial broads.

Anonymous wrote:
+1 that there are the right questions to ask. My DH, who I met in college and was working when we married, has a JD and a Master's and is currently a SAHD that doesn't even keep up with the house or kids all that well but knows a LOT about video games and his hobbies. He is only a SAHD because he lost his job and didn't even try to find anything else.

I work 60-80 hours a week and have to nag him to do even the most basic thing. But for the kids, I would be out in a moment, not because he doesn't fulfill some SES need but because he is not truly a partner. Instead of the motivated person I married, he is horribly lazy and selfish. It just isn't clear from your post whether that is true of your DH or not...

So he checked off all your on paper boxes and now you feel deceived. I hope this serves as a valuable lessons to your fellow money grubbing broads.

Anonymous wrote:
ALL women marry socioeconomic statuses. Any man planning to get married needs to make peace with that fact. Or not get married. Otherwise, he is asking for a world of pain.

THIS is exactly why I'm never getting married. Screw you.