Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel torn because my father sacrificed financially for us when we were young, but make us feel guilty for it AND was an abusive alcoholic. He is fiscally irresponsible, doesn't drive because too many DUIs, and has a tremendous amount of pride. We paid for him to come to our wedding, much to DH's annoyance, because my dad couldn't afford to fly out or pay for a hotel room. I know my dad could use money, but I am afraid that if I give it to him, he will waste it on alcohol.

Wow. You married a real winner...

I think that DH was annoyed because my father was pretty awful--like I said, an alcoholic and abuse, as well as a mysogynist--and it cost nearly $2000 with the flight, hotels, meals, etc for us to pay for him, without warning, I might add.

I completely understand your DH's annoyance but he went along with it for your sake, so he can't be that much of a loser.

We support my mother AND my in-laws. Both sides have little to no savings, which is frustrating. DH and I have what we have because we both work hard and are good savers and investors. I do resent it sometimes, but it is the right thing to do. I couldn't bear their being in need when we have the resources to help them. So I get over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel torn because my father sacrificed financially for us when we were young, but make us feel guilty for it AND was an abusive alcoholic. He is fiscally irresponsible, doesn't drive because too many DUIs, and has a tremendous amount of pride. We paid for him to come to our wedding, much to DH's annoyance, because my dad couldn't afford to fly out or pay for a hotel room. I know my dad could use money, but I am afraid that if I give it to him, he will waste it on alcohol.

Wow. You married a real winner...

I think that DH was annoyed because my father was pretty awful--like I said, an alcoholic and abuse, as well as a mysogynist--and it cost nearly $2000 with the flight, hotels, meals, etc for us to pay for him, without warning, I might add.

Both of my parents are dead now (my mom just a couple of months ago) so that changes my perspective, but yes, I supported both of them to a degree, and with varying levels of resentment.

Neither of them saved a dime for retirement. Neither had assets. But they both had Social Security, thank God. My dad was 20 years older than my mom, and he worked until he was 80. From his late 70's until he died in his early 80's, I sent him about $200/month to pay for prescriptions that Medicare wouldn't pay.

I moved back home with him when he went into home hospice and took care of him for nearly 2 years. He was appreciative and kind and really worked very, very hard until he was physically unable to. They made bad choices in terms of never saving, but it's not like they lived extravagant lifestyles or expected me to subsidize luxury.

My mom I was more resentful about. She went through long periods of unemployment and really just expected my dad to take care of her. She also was a more difficult person, with mental illnesses and personality disorders that made her angry, resentful, and generally unpleasant a lot. My help for her primarily involved dealing with paperwork and social services to get her into a nursing home when the time came. She did ask for financial help in the form of cash occasionally, and I'm sorry to say that I refused her more often than not.

Her last request was that I send her $50 a month so she could get her hair done. I decimated my life savings to care for my dad, so I am just rebuilding my own retirement savings, and to me $600/year was substantial. I could have afforded it but I chose not to...I don't even spend that much on my own hair, and I resented sending it to my mom for hers. At the time, I was also thinking she'd live another 10 years and I felt resentful at the thought of 6 grand disappearing down a hairdresser's sink.

Now I really regret it. She's dead, and that small sacrifice would have meant a lot to her. Yes, I was really resentful of her bad choices and bad attitude, but now I have to live with the feeling of being a bad daughter...forever. $600/year would have been a small price to pay to avoid that.

Anonymous wrote:I do not and probably will not for my own parents. Some of you seem to have a hard time grasping that there are a lot of things that might lead one to make a decision not to support their parents. If I were in the position to help (which currently I'm not anyway) I'd be more apt to help my ILs than my own parents for a lot of different reasons. They're all only in their 60's now, but I will say that my parents will NEVER live with me, and if I ever did help them financially, I would have to be absolutely certain that lifestyle changes were made. I know that it sounds cold and awful, but it's also honest, and justified I believe.

Well, if you can't afford to help them, no one will judge you when the time comes.

I do not and probably will not for my own parents. Some of you seem to have a hard time grasping that there are a lot of things that might lead one to make a decision not to support their parents. If I were in the position to help (which currently I'm not anyway) I'd be more apt to help my ILs than my own parents for a lot of different reasons. They're all only in their 60's now, but I will say that my parents will NEVER live with me, and if I ever did help them financially, I would have to be absolutely certain that lifestyle changes were made. I know that it sounds cold and awful, but it's also honest, and justified I believe.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you supporting your parents or have parents who are on the verge of needing extra help, do you have parents who refuse to downsize their lives? My own parents are currently well off but they live in a house with four bedrooms in a very high tax area. I'm starting to wonder if their refusal to cut down on their expenses by moving into a one bedroom condo in a low tax area will end with them bleeding through a large chunk of their savings. I get that they are attached to their long time home but it seems very inefficient to me to be paying to heat a bunch of rooms they never use as well as pay crazy taxes for a school district they haven't sent kids to in 25 years.

.

I would not contribute until they downsized. Until they ask for your help, you cannot pressure them to move. It's an emotional decision.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you supporting your parents or have parents who are on the verge of needing extra help, do you have parents who refuse to downsize their lives? My own parents are currently well off but they live in a house with four bedrooms in a very high tax area. I'm starting to wonder if their refusal to cut down on their expenses by moving into a one bedroom condo in a low tax area will end with them bleeding through a large chunk of their savings. I get that they are attached to their long time home but it seems very inefficient to me to be paying to heat a bunch of rooms they never use as well as pay crazy taxes for a school district they haven't sent kids to in 25 years.

They cannot die with the money. If the house is paid off and they are comfortable why should they downsize. That sounds more about you than them. Who cares about a school district.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you supporting your parents or have parents who are on the verge of needing extra help, do you have parents who refuse to downsize their lives? My own parents are currently well off but they live in a house with four bedrooms in a very high tax area. I'm starting to wonder if their refusal to cut down on their expenses by moving into a one bedroom condo in a low tax area will end with them bleeding through a large chunk of their savings. I get that they are attached to their long time home but it seems very inefficient to me to be paying to heat a bunch of rooms they never use as well as pay crazy taxes for a school district they haven't sent kids to in 25 years.

My mother lives in a high tax area in a large house but it turns out condos are also expensive with commensurate taxes, plus condo fees, that actually end up being higher than the taxes plus outside maintenance on her current house. Utilities savings are negligible so it's actually cheaper to stay put. Plus the fact that the house is in a desirable school district means that the value continues to go up. I'm not sure you are looking at the whole picture so it might be worth doing a cost comparison on more than just taxes.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you supporting your parents or have parents who are on the verge of needing extra help, do you have parents who refuse to downsize their lives? My own parents are currently well off but they live in a house with four bedrooms in a very high tax area. I'm starting to wonder if their refusal to cut down on their expenses by moving into a one bedroom condo in a low tax area will end with them bleeding through a large chunk of their savings. I get that they are attached to their long time home but it seems very inefficient to me to be paying to heat a bunch of rooms they never use as well as pay crazy taxes for a school district they haven't sent kids to in 25 years.

If it's a good school district, then they should move out and rent out their home. You shouldn't feel any obligation to subsidize their continuance of this. They have several options to exhaust before coming to you.

For those of you supporting your parents or have parents who are on the verge of needing extra help, do you have parents who refuse to downsize their lives? My own parents are currently well off but they live in a house with four bedrooms in a very high tax area. I'm starting to wonder if their refusal to cut down on their expenses by moving into a one bedroom condo in a low tax area will end with them bleeding through a large chunk of their savings. I get that they are attached to their long time home but it seems very inefficient to me to be paying to heat a bunch of rooms they never use as well as pay crazy taxes for a school district they haven't sent kids to in 25 years.

I don't financially support my parents, but since August, I have been emotionally and physically supporting my father. (My mother, MIL and FIL are all deceased.) He has metastisized cancer. I spent six weeks at his house in NC first, then moved him to our house and he starts daily radiation up here this week. In the interum,we have gone to over a dozen different doctors and established his new doctoer relationships. We still have two more to go. Writing a monthly check would be much easier.