Anonymous
Post 12/03/2015 19:43     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:Op,

It sounds like you need some help. Not therapy, but someone who can help ypu figure out how best to parent your child. All children are different, and you need to find some alternatives that work for you.



I agree. I did work with a child psychologist for 4 months to learn how to better parent my kid, and made small changes each week until things were more manageable. Working with a professional helped in several ways - he was able to tell me that my kid really is as awesome as everyone else says he is, he gave me permission to try the things I knew I needed to try but was being told not to do by other people, and he was able to help me make small changes that weren't overwhelming.

Now, my 6 year old is still strong willed, still the most stubborn person I've ever met, but we have a good routine at home, and tantrums are an every other week thing now instead of every day. Life is calmer, we're happier, and my son is happy and relaxed. Working with the psychologist was the best thing I ever did.
Anonymous
Post 12/03/2015 16:18     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Op,

It sounds like you need some help. Not therapy, but someone who can help ypu figure out how best to parent your child. All children are different, and you need to find some alternatives that work for you.

Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 09:12     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:


People don't understand what it is like to have a kid with horrible behaviors and how you can lose it.


I do understand what it is like. My 6 year old has ADD and I have to tell him the same thing about 100 times before he actually complies. I screamed at him yesterday and asked him why I had to repeat myself 100 times before he would actually do what I asked him. But in the end, I was wrong for freaking out, and it helped nothing. Giving him coal or threatening him about Santa is going to help nothing. The only thing that may help is staying calm and imposing appropriate consequences calmly. It is annoying and frustrating, but as the adult, I have to help him change and deal with the situation.

NP here. My 7yo has ADHD, anxiety, ODD, and a severe LD. He can alternate between being the sweetest most sensitive kid in the world and yelling "you're a big bully!" at me in the morning when I tell him to put his socks on. I think I know a little bit about parenting a difficult child. Parenting a difficult child is a lot easier when you act like an adult yourself, though. Stop escalating the situation and stop trying to "win" by getting in the last jab or, in this case, hurtful rhetorical question.

Kazdin is a good place to start or with Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". I think you seriously need to think about the values you demonstrate vs. what you demand. If you value respectfulness, then treat everyone, including your 6yo, with respect.


I'm not sure why you are copping such an attitude. I'm not OP, and I admitted that I lost my cool with my child and that it was unhelpful. No need to be snippy.


I'm not sure if you're talking to since me collapsed three different PPs into one, but on the chance you were ...

I wasn't responding to the OP losing their cool and I don't think PPs were either. I was responding to the OP losing their cool, making a snide comment to their child, and then casting all of the blame on their child. If that is typical of their interaction things are only going to get worse.



Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 09:08     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, Christmas is about grace - love and forgiveness and hope freely given. That's the Christmas story in a nutshell. I'm sure its frustrating, but see if you can de-link your kid's behavior from his Christmas gifts. He gets Christmas gifts because you love him unconditionally (even when he is a brat), and because of the joy the whole family has when opening gifts on Christmas morning. Christmas gifts aren't rewards or bribes or incentives - they are love, freely given. Your boy needs your love now, while you two are working on behavior together.


I love the response.


+1
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 08:14     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal


People don't understand what it is like to have a kid with horrible behaviors and how you can lose it.


I do understand what it is like. My 6 year old has ADD and I have to tell him the same thing about 100 times before he actually complies. I screamed at him yesterday and asked him why I had to repeat myself 100 times before he would actually do what I asked him. But in the end, I was wrong for freaking out, and it helped nothing. Giving him coal or threatening him about Santa is going to help nothing. The only thing that may help is staying calm and imposing appropriate consequences calmly. It is annoying and frustrating, but as the adult, I have to help him change and deal with the situation.

NP here. My 7yo has ADHD, anxiety, ODD, and a severe LD. He can alternate between being the sweetest most sensitive kid in the world and yelling "you're a big bully!" at me in the morning when I tell him to put his socks on. I think I know a little bit about parenting a difficult child. Parenting a difficult child is a lot easier when you act like an adult yourself, though. Stop escalating the situation and stop trying to "win" by getting in the last jab or, in this case, hurtful rhetorical question.

Kazdin is a good place to start or with Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". I think you seriously need to think about the values you demonstrate vs. what you demand. If you value respectfulness, then treat everyone, including your 6yo, with respect.


I'm not sure why you are copping such an attitude. I'm not OP, and I admitted that I lost my cool with my child and that it was unhelpful. No need to be snippy.
Anonymous
Post 12/02/2015 00:11     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
I'm just going to assume that 90% of the posters are trolls, because no one can be so obviously obtuse. Kids start pushing the sass boundary around five years of age. It's a thing. If you have a 6yo who doesn't test boundaries, I'd be concerned.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 23:59     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi, Op

This may or may not be your case here but I had a friend who when as a child her sister received a lump of coal for Christmas. It ruined the Christmas for not just the sister but, for the whole family. I wouldn't do it but I would try to find out why he is behaving the way he is. Perhaps give him more kindness since he seems to need it more?

Good luck.


That kind of crap will ruin a kid for Christmas forever. My mom gave my dad 30 silver dollars in a dirty sock for Christmas one year. He got very drunk and proceeded to inform everyone under the age of 30 that they should never, ever get married because marriage is evil.

I learned that if you are drama queen or a narcissist, Christmas is a perfect time for inflicting psychological cruelty on others.

I hate fucking Christmas.


Wow. Time to start the new thread for best/most horrible Xmas stories.


Oh, I have several. My pop was an alcoholic and used to rage at some point, every Christmas. I remember him peeing off the front porch one year, while carloads of people were driving down the street, admiring the holiday decorations.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 23:43     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:All the "give more love, more togetherness, more praise" without consequences posters exemplify the type of parenting that has led to spoiled, dependent college kids and millenials. They think they are the center of the universe and have no consequences for their actions.


If you're responding to me, two posts above yours, then you completely missed my point and probably just skimmed rather than read what I said - and for that matter, if you disapprove of volunteering in a food bank as a way to give the kid some perspective on all he has to be thankful for and to give their relationship something constructive to build on, then I feel sad for you. Also, read something on discipline - berating a kid all morning isn't effective and it's a waste of OP's energy.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 23:27     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Play, more tenderness, and PeP class, OP.
http://pepparent.org/classes-programs/parenting-school-age-children/
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 16:48     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:Take ownership. You are the problem, not your son. You even provide an example of how he is clearly mirroring the behavior he is being exposed to by you.

You deserve the coal. I truly feel sorry for your son. He got a raw deal in the parent arena.


Yup.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 16:46     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Regardless of what you get him for Christmas, I think you need to spend some time with him having fun. It can just be building legos or playing a board game. My son told DH that he had a hard time listening when I talked to him, because I was always telling him to do something he didn't want to do. I thought about it and he was pretty much right. Now I try to make a little time for us to do something fun together at home every day, and it has helped our relationship.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 16:08     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Anonymous wrote:All the "give more love, more togetherness, more praise" without consequences posters exemplify the type of parenting that has led to spoiled, dependent college kids and millenials. They think they are the center of the universe and have no consequences for their actions.


My kid is neither spoiled nor dependent, and I parent this way. Regardless, though, if you see Christmas gifts as an opportunity to show disapproval of your child you will have both an unhappy Christmas and a child with worse behavior than before. Use carrots and sticks if you must in your every day life, but can't you keep one day just for joy? No strings attached, because giving gifts to small children is its own reward?
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 16:00     Subject: Re:I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
All the "give more love, more togetherness, more praise" without consequences posters exemplify the type of parenting that has led to spoiled, dependent college kids and millenials. They think they are the center of the universe and have no consequences for their actions.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 15:47     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
therapy
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 15:45     Subject: I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal
Can you dedicate some time to spending doing something you both enjoy? Since Christmas is the subject as hand, could you call up some of the local food banks and see if any need help sorting & stocking donations? They get a lot this time of year but not a lot of volunteers to organize it all. A 6 yo could sort cans of vegetables on the lower shelves and you could organize the higher shelves.

Doing something selfless together will give you something to talk about that feels good to both of you. It will give your son a chance to be a generous person and for you to see and appreciate that side of him. Yes, behavioral problems need to be addressed directly but they also need to be held in a larger context - the majority of what you say to him should be loving, kind, and uplifting. Corrections should be a small fraction of what you discuss each day. That way your criticisms come in the context of love, rather than nagging and harassment. He'll want to please you and it's out of respect and love for you that his behavior can improve. If he just feels put upon, then there is no motivation to improve.