Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:03
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Because they are kids. Right? This is not hard.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:03
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I have a story for you OP.
My ex lives with a woman he's been with for years. They are all but married except legally. Woman purchased an expensive house. Woman made my ex call me.
"Because the new house has a bedroom just for our kids (that would be, the guest room), I am reducing your child support by $300 a month." The two of them decided that this money would be earmarked to defray the cost of her mortgage in exchange for the bedroom my kids sleep in four nights a month.
Now, my ex is a real jerk, but I could tell by his voice that he was extremely uncomfortable with this phone call. He was doing this because the new woman made him. He was doing this because he was putting her first, over our kids.
Of course CS doesn't work that way. You don't get to just cut it because your GF bought a house. So I politely declined to have my CS reduced and that was the end of it.
My point, obviously GF is acting in her own self-interest. It is not in the best interests of my kids to have their CS cut by $300 a month. This would seriously impact their quality of life.
GF is a decent person, I don't particularly dislike her. But I was really shocked that my children's stepmom would suggest something so selfish and absurd. If she needs $300 a month that badly she shouldn't have purchased the house.
In my anecdotal experience, not all step parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the step children. They do not all have the same degree of innate self-sacrifice that a nuclear-family or original parent hopefully has. People are selfish.
That situation calls for a good lawyer to clarify child support issues, which are ongoing under the law.
If a child needs more support than is currently given, a court will order an increase in child support.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:02
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
Doesn't matter what the custodial parent "asks" for. It matters what the court order says.
If you don't want your horrible ex wife demanding that you pay your fair share for the kids you made, don't have kids. Don't get divorced.
Sometimes it's the ex wife that wanted the divorce in the first place.
A point irrelevant to the needs of the child under this scenario.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:00
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
I could never stay in a relationship where one person "calls the shots." Its equality or nothing. As for the first wife, she's the mother of the stepchild, who should be the focus. What I find disturbing is the childish way some second wives use the stepchild to pick fights with first wives, rather than focusing on BIOC -- the best interests of the child.
As parents and step-parents, our focus should be on the child's needs.
It's also poignant to remember that in almost every case, the child's financial situation plummets into near poverty after a divorce. Only in a tiny percentage of cases are children of divorce even mildly better off financially. Don't believe me? Google it like the grownups you all claim to be.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 12:00
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
But child support factors in the new wife's money too. Which is the ultimate burn: when you can't make any decisions but still have to fork over the money.
Don't marry a divorced guy.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:59
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
I'm a step mom with three step kids and a bio kid. Kids always come first because they are kids. They need shelter and protection and guidance. Adults can create that for themselves. Kids can't. (Healthy) adults are self-actualized. Kid are still being formed. And we want them to grow up to be healthy, happy, productive, and kind. I'm already that. Let's focus on the kids here. All of them.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:59
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, child of first marriage here.
Spousal relationship of second marriage came first, and was very apparent once parent and step-parent had their own child. One by one, my siblings and I were made to feel like outsiders.
None of us "children from Jim's former marriage" have been in the picture for decades.
As a parent, I always wonder how my dad could let this happen to each of us (we are all in different US geographic locations, have different personalities, different timing and reasons of phasing out communications). To this day, still stuns me.
My Dad and step mom uninvited me to their wedding when I was in first grade. Took down all the photos of me, didn't include me on Christmas cards (but did include their subsequent children) etc. I hear you. I will never forgive my dad for this, and he will never see how this was wrong. We've talked about it and he says, "well (Step mom) is on one side and you are on the other." I need more xanax.
My husband's step-mother sent him and his brother to military boarding school. Once they were 18, she kicked them out of the house and told them not to come back, not even for Christmas break in college. FIL paid for college, thankfully. DH worked in the summer to support himself.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:57
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I have a story for you OP.
My ex lives with a woman he's been with for years. They are all but married except legally. Woman purchased an expensive house. Woman made my ex call me.
"Because the new house has a bedroom just for our kids (that would be, the guest room), I am reducing your child support by $300 a month." The two of them decided that this money would be earmarked to defray the cost of her mortgage in exchange for the bedroom my kids sleep in four nights a month.
Now, my ex is a real jerk, but I could tell by his voice that he was extremely uncomfortable with this phone call. He was doing this because the new woman made him. He was doing this because he was putting her first, over our kids.
Of course CS doesn't work that way. You don't get to just cut it because your GF bought a house. So I politely declined to have my CS reduced and that was the end of it.
My point, obviously GF is acting in her own self-interest. It is not in the best interests of my kids to have their CS cut by $300 a month. This would seriously impact their quality of life.
GF is a decent person, I don't particularly dislike her. But I was really shocked that my children's stepmom would suggest something so selfish and absurd. If she needs $300 a month that badly she shouldn't have purchased the house.
In my anecdotal experience, not all step parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the step children. They do not all have the same degree of innate self-sacrifice that a nuclear-family or original parent hopefully has. People are selfish.
Not all biological parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the children either. Many of them are out to win and get as much as they can from the ex.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:54
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
But child support factors in the new wife's money too. Which is the ultimate burn: when you can't make any decisions but still have to fork over the money.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:54
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
Doesn't matter what the custodial parent "asks" for. It matters what the court order says.
If you don't want your horrible ex wife demanding that you pay your fair share for the kids you made, don't have kids. Don't get divorced.
Sometimes it's the ex wife that wanted the divorce in the first place.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:54
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:First, this is NOT a troll question, even though I know it's going to start a war I am curious if there are any thoughtful responses. It occurred to me reading the current thread by an OP asking about the reasonableness of a request for money from the first wife for her stepdaughters' homecoming.
Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.
With that in mind, when I read threads like the one I referenced, many of the responses are "well, the kids from the first marriage came before the second spouse so second spouse just has to suck it up since decisions don't concern him/her and the kids come first". If a marriage should be central to a relationship and family, one might presume this would include blended families, then why is it anethma for a second wife to want a role or expect to be given some priority in their relationship. This does NOT mean simply ignoring the kids, but understanding that the strength of the marriage is critical, regardless of whether any children involved are part of an intact family or are now children of divorced parents and stepparents. Why does that philosophy change when it comes to a second marriage, or is it simply different people responding to the posts?
I wasn't sure whether to post this in the parentin-special concerns forum or here since it's really about the marriage.
Children are the center of a family and a parent's first responsibility is to them. That commitment also started before the second marriage. A step-parent has to fit themselves into the family as it already exists, which means making sacrifices and supporting the divorced parent's commitment to their children. Until those kids are grown, you have to take second chair.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:53
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Because the children have no say, and no fault, in the breakup of their parents. And they have no say in the parent's new choice of spouse. Since they have little control over anything else, they pull rank on new wife.
-1! Children have greater needs than adults and more complex ones, so it's perfectly reasonable for a spouse in a second marriage to be expected to give room, attention and time to those needs of the stepchild. Grow up, OP, you knew or should have known what you were getting into before you got married.
Here's my advice: support your spouse and try to bond with your stepchild.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:53
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
Doesn't matter what the custodial parent "asks" for. It matters what the court order says.
If you don't want your horrible ex wife demanding that you pay your fair share for the kids you made, don't have kids. Don't get divorced.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:51
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
I have a story for you OP.
My ex lives with a woman he's been with for years. They are all but married except legally. Woman purchased an expensive house. Woman made my ex call me.
"Because the new house has a bedroom just for our kids (that would be, the guest room), I am reducing your child support by $300 a month." The two of them decided that this money would be earmarked to defray the cost of her mortgage in exchange for the bedroom my kids sleep in four nights a month.
Now, my ex is a real jerk, but I could tell by his voice that he was extremely uncomfortable with this phone call. He was doing this because the new woman made him. He was doing this because he was putting her first, over our kids.
Of course CS doesn't work that way. You don't get to just cut it because your GF bought a house. So I politely declined to have my CS reduced and that was the end of it.
My point, obviously GF is acting in her own self-interest. It is not in the best interests of my kids to have their CS cut by $300 a month. This would seriously impact their quality of life.
GF is a decent person, I don't particularly dislike her. But I was really shocked that my children's stepmom would suggest something so selfish and absurd. If she needs $300 a month that badly she shouldn't have purchased the house.
In my anecdotal experience, not all step parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the step children. They do not all have the same degree of innate self-sacrifice that a nuclear-family or original parent hopefully has. People are selfish.
My ex lives with a woman he's been with for years. They are all but married except legally. Woman purchased an expensive house. Woman made my ex call me.
"Because the new house has a bedroom just for our kids (that would be, the guest room), I am reducing your child support by $300 a month." The two of them decided that this money would be earmarked to defray the cost of her mortgage in exchange for the bedroom my kids sleep in four nights a month.
Now, my ex is a real jerk, but I could tell by his voice that he was extremely uncomfortable with this phone call. He was doing this because the new woman made him. He was doing this because he was putting her first, over our kids.
Of course CS doesn't work that way. You don't get to just cut it because your GF bought a house. So I politely declined to have my CS reduced and that was the end of it.
My point, obviously GF is acting in her own self-interest. It is not in the best interests of my kids to have their CS cut by $300 a month. This would seriously impact their quality of life.
GF is a decent person, I don't particularly dislike her. But I was really shocked that my children's stepmom would suggest something so selfish and absurd. If she needs $300 a month that badly she shouldn't have purchased the house.
In my anecdotal experience, not all step parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the step children. They do not all have the same degree of innate self-sacrifice that a nuclear-family or original parent hopefully has. People are selfish.
Anonymous
11/05/2015 11:50
Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.
The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.