Anonymous
11/01/2015 14:51
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:Oh god. He sounds like my bf. I love but it his lack of self esteem / fear of going out and getting a better career is making me cringe inside and lose respect. It's so so hard to respect and admire a guy who can't go out and be a winner. I'm 29 and feel like if my if I leave him I don't have much of a shot at getting a high achieving confident guy at this age. As those are mostly taken up by smart girls in their early twenties.
At this point I should probably marry him and have a few kids and make the best of it.
PP this is the OP. Don't do it. You are still so young and can find someone who may have more values similar to yours re work ethic, etc. You sound like you know this man well enough and know what a future would be like with him. If you can accept that and love him then go for it. But you won't be able to change him. Don't end up in my situation. I wish I had paid more attention to the red flags that were there, but I chose to ignore or spin positively.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 14:46
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
OP again. PP I appreciate your insight as BTDT. I don't want to divorce in large part because of breaking up our family not to mention the difficulty that would be involve with co-parenting with someone who can't or won't make decisions. I am tired of always having to be the fall guy. I make the call and get crap for it. He won't make the call. Despite my trying to engage him. But then criticized the calls I make. It's exhausting. Right now the big debate is Xmas break and childcare. I am putting before him a list of aftercare options since we both work. Begging for input since they fill up quickly through the county. No response. Emailed. No response. Texted. No response. Have asked in person a handful of times and No commitment or no response, eyes glaze over. So it will be the same old. I make the call and register the kids and then get hell for it for picking the wrong choice. Same thing happened for summer camps. Same thing happens for every vacation we have taken since our honeymoon (the last thing he planned, BTW).
If I leave these things to him, there would be no camps, no aftercare, no vacations.
How could I share custody with someone like this? Not to mention, he isn't a bad guy. He's actually a good guy most of the time. Like I said, he's a pretty good dad. Just very helpless and then critical. I am working ass off and he has no motivation at all anymore. It's like he's given up any professional or financial success in his mid-40s. Where is the drive and winning go-get em attitude he used to have when we were dating and first married?
Like I said, I don't need Daddy Warbucks. But if you can't pickup the financial and career slack, at least help more at home instead of playing videogames until 2am, complaining you're tired the next morning, and forgetting to pay a bill again.
If I leave these things to him, there would be no camps, no aftercare, no vacations.
How could I share custody with someone like this? Not to mention, he isn't a bad guy. He's actually a good guy most of the time. Like I said, he's a pretty good dad. Just very helpless and then critical. I am working ass off and he has no motivation at all anymore. It's like he's given up any professional or financial success in his mid-40s. Where is the drive and winning go-get em attitude he used to have when we were dating and first married?
Like I said, I don't need Daddy Warbucks. But if you can't pickup the financial and career slack, at least help more at home instead of playing videogames until 2am, complaining you're tired the next morning, and forgetting to pay a bill again.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 14:06
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Guy here: recently divorced by higher earning alpha pos wife. I related to some of what you described in terms relationship
Dynamics. I think it's a real shame that both people can't really see what divorce is like before they go into the relationship death spiral. Because it's shitty experience for everyone. Yes kids are resilient but do they have a choice ? What your husband is doing is not reasonable. But if you are assertive as you say and you genuinely want save marriage how about trying to get the marriage in a better place. I suspect sometimes both people get into bad habits when it comes to communicating etc.
Dynamics. I think it's a real shame that both people can't really see what divorce is like before they go into the relationship death spiral. Because it's shitty experience for everyone. Yes kids are resilient but do they have a choice ? What your husband is doing is not reasonable. But if you are assertive as you say and you genuinely want save marriage how about trying to get the marriage in a better place. I suspect sometimes both people get into bad habits when it comes to communicating etc.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 13:28
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
OP, to some degree, we all marry a person who came along at a certain time - we want to settle down, so do they, etc.
The signs are always there. It is whether or not you wanted to see them. That being said, this sounds like the kind of guy who needs the riot act. Set a date that if things do not get better, you are out. No ifs, ands, or buts.
The signs are always there. It is whether or not you wanted to see them. That being said, this sounds like the kind of guy who needs the riot act. Set a date that if things do not get better, you are out. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 13:19
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Oh god. He sounds like my bf. I love but it his lack of self esteem / fear of going out and getting a better career is making me cringe inside and lose respect. It's so so hard to respect and admire a guy who can't go out and be a winner. I'm 29 and feel like if my if I leave him I don't have much of a shot at getting a high achieving confident guy at this age. As those are mostly taken up by smart girls in their early twenties.
At this point I should probably marry him and have a few kids and make the best of it.
I don't know why you think you should just marry him. Doesn't this thread make you think twice?
Obviously, I don't know your BF's exact situation, but I met a man when I was 30, he was mid 30's. He could've gone far in his career, too. He has a lot of respect in his industry. However, going further in his career would've made him unhappy because it would mean taking a managerial role, which he hates. He is much happier being a technical lead and individual contributer.
So, although he could probably make a heck of a lot more money if he furthered his career, I accept him for who he is, and his desire to stay in the type of role he enjoys. He was always up front about this. And quite honestly, I have similar opinions that he has on this.
Having said that, though, he is a good provider and very engaged father and husband, and unlike OP's DH, mine isn't wishy washy or complain if I make the calls if he doesn't. So, I really have no complaints (other than the little things here and there that every couple has).
This seems pretty reasonable.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 13:10
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:Oh god. He sounds like my bf. I love but it his lack of self esteem / fear of going out and getting a better career is making me cringe inside and lose respect. It's so so hard to respect and admire a guy who can't go out and be a winner. I'm 29 and feel like if my if I leave him I don't have much of a shot at getting a high achieving confident guy at this age. As those are mostly taken up by smart girls in their early twenties.
At this point I should probably marry him and have a few kids and make the best of it.
I don't know why you think you should just marry him. Doesn't this thread make you think twice?
Obviously, I don't know your BF's exact situation, but I met a man when I was 30, he was mid 30's. He could've gone far in his career, too. He has a lot of respect in his industry. However, going further in his career would've made him unhappy because it would mean taking a managerial role, which he hates. He is much happier being a technical lead and individual contributer.
So, although he could probably make a heck of a lot more money if he furthered his career, I accept him for who he is, and his desire to stay in the type of role he enjoys. He was always up front about this. And quite honestly, I have similar opinions that he has on this.
Having said that, though, he is a good provider and very engaged father and husband, and unlike OP's DH, mine isn't wishy washy or complain if I make the calls if he doesn't. So, I really have no complaints (other than the little things here and there that every couple has).
Anonymous
11/01/2015 12:03
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
You aren't leaving him because he makes less than you. You are leaving him because he is a whiner and complainer. And you have no respect for him because he is a whiner and complainer.
Please don't stay with someone who you don't respect. I grew up in a house with parents that didn't respect each other. Then spent my 20's and 30's dating guys who either didn't respect me or I didn't respect them. Took years of therapy to fix the damage my parents did to me under the guise of "not coming from a broken home".
Please don't stay with someone who you don't respect. I grew up in a house with parents that didn't respect each other. Then spent my 20's and 30's dating guys who either didn't respect me or I didn't respect them. Took years of therapy to fix the damage my parents did to me under the guise of "not coming from a broken home".
Anonymous
11/01/2015 11:57
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:Oh god. He sounds like my bf. I love but it his lack of self esteem / fear of going out and getting a better career is making me cringe inside and lose respect. It's so so hard to respect and admire a guy who can't go out and be a winner. I'm 29 and feel like if my if I leave him I don't have much of a shot at getting a high achieving confident guy at this age. As those are mostly taken up by smart girls in their early twenties.
At this point I should probably marry him and have a few kids and make the best of it.
Why does this make you lose respect? Why not respect being good, kind and responsible, as opposed to being "confident"?
Anonymous
11/01/2015 11:52
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
This thread is a pretty big confirmation of what a lot of those "red pill" guys say about what women want.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 11:44
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Oh god. He sounds like my bf. I love but it his lack of self esteem / fear of going out and getting a better career is making me cringe inside and lose respect. It's so so hard to respect and admire a guy who can't go out and be a winner. I'm 29 and feel like if my if I leave him I don't have much of a shot at getting a high achieving confident guy at this age. As those are mostly taken up by smart girls in their early twenties.
At this point I should probably marry him and have a few kids and make the best of it.
At this point I should probably marry him and have a few kids and make the best of it.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 11:03
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
OP again. I don't mind being alpha if he stepped up and helped more. Instead he does nothing but then complains and complains and criticizes.
We haven't taken a no-kids trip in probably 4 years. No family close by to babysit. Honestly, I don't really want to. I have so little respect for him I just can't imagine being in a position where he would want sex often.
We haven't taken a no-kids trip in probably 4 years. No family close by to babysit. Honestly, I don't really want to. I have so little respect for him I just can't imagine being in a position where he would want sex often.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 11:03
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, even granting the incredibly dubious assumption that "marrying up" is necessary for marital stability, it's an extraordinarily small problem for "society". It's a somewhat larger problem for "professionally successful women in their 30s with rigid and archaic expectations about gender roles".
Yeah, single ambitious women in their 30's and their archaic ideas about gender roles. Lol!
You're missing the point.
Many professional women believe that they have transcended gender roles, but then they still want those confident and successful alpha males.
If professional women had truly transcended gender roles, then they would have no problem being with men who have lower status, earnings, have passive personalities etc. But you still want to have your cake and eat it too.
Wrong. Have you been following OP?
If he were beta and laid back about it, then I could embrace the alpha status. Instead he is beta but then complains when I make the decisions! There is nothing worse than paying for trips or making plans, after getting no input or commitment, only to then get yelled at and complained to!
Women want what men want: for people to pull their weight. Someone wants to have their cake and eat it too. And it ain't the OP.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 11:00
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful responses. You've given me a lot to think about and consider. Therapy just wasn't helpful because DH didn't take the tools we learned and apply them.
For example, his big gripe was finances. We agreed with counselor that he would find a financial planner and we would both go.... That was last March. The deadline we set was July 1 for DH to find the accountant and make the appointment because it was important to him. I agreed to go. July 1 came and went. It's now November 1 and he still hadn't found a financial person or made the appointment. This is why counseling didn't work. Even with the therapist he couldn't make good on a simple commitment. He just doesn't do anything!
Yes I have considered divorce, but he is a good father with the kids for the most part. And co-parenting with him through a divorce would be hell. I could never get him to agree to anything. And I wouldn't be in the position where I could easily just make the call because I would have court orders to include him in major decisions. And he doesn't make them.
I don't know why he is so afraid to make decisions even for himself and his own career. It's almost a paralysis. Or perhaps he doesn't want the responsibility because it's easier to blame Somekne else
No I am not a gold digger. I have a successful career and can easily support myself. I wanted more of a partner. Not a 40-something child who can't make a single decision.
For example, his big gripe was finances. We agreed with counselor that he would find a financial planner and we would both go.... That was last March. The deadline we set was July 1 for DH to find the accountant and make the appointment because it was important to him. I agreed to go. July 1 came and went. It's now November 1 and he still hadn't found a financial person or made the appointment. This is why counseling didn't work. Even with the therapist he couldn't make good on a simple commitment. He just doesn't do anything!
Yes I have considered divorce, but he is a good father with the kids for the most part. And co-parenting with him through a divorce would be hell. I could never get him to agree to anything. And I wouldn't be in the position where I could easily just make the call because I would have court orders to include him in major decisions. And he doesn't make them.
I don't know why he is so afraid to make decisions even for himself and his own career. It's almost a paralysis. Or perhaps he doesn't want the responsibility because it's easier to blame Somekne else
No I am not a gold digger. I have a successful career and can easily support myself. I wanted more of a partner. Not a 40-something child who can't make a single decision.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 10:39
Subject: No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
When was the last time you had a date night or vacation with just your DH?
Life with kids is hard and relentless. Neither of you are at your best and maybe just need to focus on your relationship a bit. Like, talk to him. Tell him how he is making you feel. When was the last time you did that in a neutral setting? And listened to his point of view.
I think the posters who are going on and on about alpha vs beta spouses are missing the point entirely. THIS is what people mean when they say marriage is hard. THIS is where the work is.
Life with kids is hard and relentless. Neither of you are at your best and maybe just need to focus on your relationship a bit. Like, talk to him. Tell him how he is making you feel. When was the last time you did that in a neutral setting? And listened to his point of view.
I think the posters who are going on and on about alpha vs beta spouses are missing the point entirely. THIS is what people mean when they say marriage is hard. THIS is where the work is.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 10:29
Subject: Re:No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.
Anonymous wrote:OP you need to go. You married a loser. He's not pulling his weight in the relationship. Don't raise kids with this "man" and teach them this is the way they should be treated in their future relationships. Don't be afraid - worst case scenario is that you'll have the same amount of work but without the sadness and verbal abuse.
I disagree. What about the impact of divorce on her kids and on their finances? Also, then she's going to have to co-parent with him and arrange complicated visitation schedules and vacations and IL visits, deal with his non-responses, etc.