Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

I don't think I'm a shitty person. I think I did a shitty thing, but I do not personally like to judge people exclusively by their worst moments. I don't personally think that a good marriage exists if one spouse is living a double life. I think there are definitely situations in which affairs are tolerated by spouses for various reasons (don't want to have sex anyway, prefer allowing affair to divorcing, etc.), but in situations like the OP's where the non-cheating spouse is struggling and the cheater is putting all his emotional eggs in another woman's basket, it's not compartmentalizing because he wasn't being a good husband when he WAS around.

One's true colors tend to appear during the worst times. Let us not make it about you. You obviously have forgiven yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

I don't think I'm a shitty person. I think I did a shitty thing, but I do not personally like to judge people exclusively by their worst moments. I don't personally think that a good marriage exists if one spouse is living a double life. I think there are definitely situations in which affairs are tolerated by spouses for various reasons (don't want to have sex anyway, prefer allowing affair to divorcing, etc.), but in situations like the OP's where the non-cheating spouse is struggling and the cheater is putting all his emotional eggs in another woman's basket, it's not compartmentalizing because he wasn't being a good husband when he WAS around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It takes a special kind of a**h** to have an affair on a wife with a newborn and PPD.

Seems like those things would make a guy somewhat more likely to have an affair.

Don't get me wrong. I think affairs are dishonorable no matter who is having them and what they're excuses might be. But the causes are somewhat more understandable (by which I don't mean excusable) in this situation than on average.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Mmm... No matter how good or shitty the marriage, some people feel entitled to have affairs. I take what you say at face value, that no, you are not a shitty person, you just happened to have an affair while in a bad marriage, as you found someone willing and able to become your AP.
However, affairs DO happen in good marriages, especially when the spouse is the compartmentalizing type and able to live a double life undetected for a long time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's morning the loss of his lover. It's natural. Give him time. Back off or you won't have a marriage. He will come around.

This is very true. He liked who he was with his AP. He wants to be with you, but you can't turn feelings off (or on) like a tap. Stick around. Do date nights, figure out what it is you need and the things he needs to feel loving (e.g. the 5 love languages) And do them, even if they feel awkward. Eventually, they will become more normal, and not forced.

Yes, the affair was his fault, completely. He knows that. But there was something in your marriage that allowed that space to open up that allowed him to go outside your marriage for emotional and sexual comfort. You both need to work on that.

This takes time. Lots of time. I can tell you if I'd moved out after my affair I would not be married right now. Because that constant "together time" is just helpful. Awkward. Unpleasant sometimes. But necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

PP here. I am sure that engaging you is not going to be productive, but no, he did not have an affair. My point, which I am not sure you understood, was that affairs are not the only warning sign of a marriage in trouble. They may be the biggest, most glaring indicators, but I have never yet seen an affair in an otherwise healthy marriage. For couples that DO choose to reconcile after the affair, those other problems must also be addressed. It is not enough to simply discuss the affair, since the ultimate goal of reconciliation is a strong relationship on the other side. That relationship is simply not going to occur if only one problem is the focus.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It takes a special kind of a**h** to have an affair on a wife with a newborn and PPD.

Seems like those things would make a guy somewhat more likely to have an affair.

Don't get me wrong. I think affairs are dishonorable no matter who is having them and what they're excuses might be. But the causes are somewhat more understandable (by which I don't mean excusable) in this situation than on average.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

During the affair, I think people have a real habit of re-writing the history of their marriage. (I think people who are unhappy in their marriages and are letting that unhappiness damage the marriage do this in general.) If your husband or wife was "always" a shitty spouse, then you can minimize your responsibility for whatever harmful activity (including an affair) you're engaged in right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

The crappy marriage was not 100% your fault. Did he also have an affair as well?

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to recognize their contributions to the successes and failures of that relationship. Affairs confuse that logic because the affair is a huge lightning rod that has a tendency to obscure all the other failures (and successes) present in a relationship.

I had an affair and ended up getting divorced as a result of it. What led to it? PPD (mine - I'm a woman), a relationship that was already emotionally unhealthy and disconnected, a partner who didn't take those things seriously, and someone who seemed to appreciate/understand me more than my husband did. It did not take long for me (and my AP) to realize that the affair was not what either of us wanted long- or short-term. I told my husband, and we separated. We tried to reconcile, but like OP's husband, I was morning the loss of the affair and was not able to get past or conceal that. Our reconciliation was not successful, and we have been divorced for several years.

In the aftermath of our final separation, my ex and I spent a lot of time hashing out Why This Happened. To his credit, he was willing to listen to my reasons for doing what I did, without blowing them off as 100% moral failings that indicated poor character (or any of the other things that people on this forum say about people who cheat). To my credit, I have never shied away from how damaging what I did was or how I hurt him. I have not blamed him, except in so far as that my decision to have an affair didn't happen in a vacuum. It happened in the context of an already crappy marriage that was not 100% my fault.

Affairs cloud everything. It's hard to see good aspects of your marriage (and there are almost always at least a few, even in the crappiest of marriages). It's hard to see the flaws of your AP as well. It does not sound to me like he is compartmentalizing well at all. Compartmentalization would mean that he was emotionally available to his wife, if he was interested in his child, and then had this other thing going on. He is not walling off his feelings. He is shutting his wife out and keeping his feelings front and center, while minimizing her feelings.

There are ways to reconcile, but it does not sound like the OP's husband is actually invested in doing that.